Getting on with life....

The date with the very nice guy went well, it was a really pleasant day but I will not be seeing him again. He was a General Practioner (GP) so unfortunately the subject of my illness came up rather sooner than I would have liked. I have always thought that I will not tell people (potential partners) until I have to but nor would I hide it or lie to them.

I was a it blown away by the fact that a doctor would be interested in spending some time with me and getting to know me. He was not all that great though. I expected him to be intelligent but he knew nothing more than learned facts, he did not seem to have an understanding of science, medicine or life. In the cold light of day he was not so great.

I do have several other men lined up :o). I met someone today and spent the afternoon sitting in a pub garden drinking lemonade and then off to a coffee shop. It was a really nice afternoon but there was no chemistry between us. He said he would call me or email me if I would like to meet again. I said that would be nice but I do not think I will followup. He was nice enough though.

I feel like I am in a good place at the moment. I can go out and meet people and enjoy the company. I just hope that one day I will meet someone special.

I had the day off work yesterday. An old university friend came to visit. It was really nice to see her. She got married about two years ago and we have not seen so much of her since. She comes from an Indian family and had an arranged marriage. We thought she was very happy as that is what she had always wanted. She lives with her husbands family and it seems like her mother in law has been giving her a hard time. She enjoys looking after her husband and having a traditional housewife role in her household but her mother in law seems to have been taking the piss and putting her down a lot. Never happy with her and always saying or impling she was not good enough.

She does seem to love her husband though and he arranged some counceulling for her and she has started to regain her own identity and see her friends again. I hope that now she has identified the fact that her mother in law has been putting her down unfairly she will be ok again. I told her she is always welcome to come and stay or visit me. I hope she will be happy now though!!

I told her I understood and that there were people like that in the world and infact my mother is quite like it. Where her mother in law tells her that her make up is not good enough and she let down the family she believed it. It was the same for me. My Mum used to tell me that I spoilt all the photos I was in by not smiling properly. I would not show my teeth as I felt ugly. My Mum reinforced my beliefs by telling me I spoilt photos. My friend had never come across people putting her down before. She was always told how beautiful she was when growing up. Less than two years of being with her mother in law has put her in counselling.

I do not understand how people can be like that, how can they live with themselves after messing with someones head. How dare people put others down because they think they are better than them.

I never have connected with my mother and have never been close to her. Since letting go a little and accepting that she is not always a nice person it has allowed my confidence to grow. I like to think my Mum puts me down due to her own insecurities and anxieties. She claims that she loves me and I believe her. But how can someone be so distant and have such little understanding for their children? I feel very sad that I will never be close to her but I have to keep my distance for my own well being. She does not put me down so much these days but she treats my father like shit. I find it difficult to be in the same room as her :o(. Does that make me an unloving daughter?

My sister is just like her, putting me down and expecting me to live to her 'high' standard of remembering every birthday, easter, anniversary and special ocassion. If I forget she rings me and lays on the guilt trip. How dare she treat me with such little respect. I have changed in the way that I will not take it from her anymore. She has her own problems with her anxieties but I can not live with the burden of her troubles. As much as I love my mother and my sister I do not always like being with them. Since I have loosened the ties and not let them make me feel bad I have been a lot happier myself.

To be fair my mother is much better than she used to be, but I feel she neglected my emotional needs as a child. She always says that all children need is love. I disagree, children do need love, but that is not enough, they need to feel that love every day, they need
to feel accepted for who they are and be given balanced emotional guidance to help them find there way in life. My mother always loved me but I never felt loved!

Although I would like to discuss this with her and reslove it I do not want to make her feel bad. She did and does love me and I think it would devastate her to know how I feel. I would like to be closer to her and the only way that will ever happen is if she could start to understand how I felt growing up. I do not want to hurt her that much.

I wish I could be close to my mother, she loves me but does not know me or understand me. I do not think she has the capacity for that! :o(

A Date

I went on a date last night, someone I met online. He was attractive intelligent and respectful PLUS he wants to see me again!!!

All the other people I have met over the last year or so I just haven't been able to imagine a future of any kind with. This guy was really nice, I was comfortable with him and enjoyed the evening. It went really quickly.

I am trying not to get too excited or carried away, but even if this man is not the one, it has given me hope that I can be happy in a relationship!!

I'm Back!!!!!!!!

I am finally back, after a long long time. First my PC went wrong and then I cancelled my broad band and then I got my PC back but could not get online. I have just finished installing all the new software and I now have both the broad band and the PC at the same time!!!!

Getting my new phone line and broadband service installed this morning led to my first panic attack for ages as I shut my finger in the front door while seeing the engineer out!

The thing is I felt the door closing and I was trying to hide my pain as I saw the guy out. By the time he had gone (which was only a second but felt like an hour) my nail got a big black patch of trapped blood. I don not know whether it is more concerning that my instinct is stronger to avoid embarisment than injury or whether I had a panic attack. :o)

I'm ok again now though although my finger is very sore!!

New Years Resolutions - 1 month update

My new years resolutions have been going really well up until when I went away this week.

• I have lost about 4 lbs (and not put any back on this week)
• I have had a friend around for coffee last Saturday, she stayed for a few hours and we chatted.
• I ate in everynight
• Took sandwiches to work
• Washed up before bed
• Tidied up before bed
• Cut my spending (I found a mistake in the electric bill - I have £200 to come back)
• I am also using less electricity than before (good for the enviroment too!!)
• Cancelled my broard band (I do not have a computer)
• Been to the gym regulary (also found out I get get a discount through work!!)
• I have been straigtening my hair regulary, this and my teeth improving has given me a little confidence in my appearance1 :o)

Overall I am feeling quite good about myself!!

The gap between my front teeth has closed! I also went to the psychiatrist about two weeks ago and he is very pleased with the insight I have into bipolar and social anxiety and is convinced I will stay well. He said I could change my check ups to annually but I am really a bit scraed of the illness still so I am sticking to every three months.

All in all the start of the year has gone very well. I am going to join Match.com as all I need is love and a baby and life would be perfect.

Mr Apparently Creepy Guy is off the scene. He asked if we could meet again, I told him I would love to but nothing is going to happen because I did not fancy him. I have not heard from him since. :o(

Working too hard!!

I have been away for work this week, I really enjoyed it but I fear I became a bit hypomanic and was disruptive. I hate being like that because unlike when I feel low my mind works so fast that I do not realise that my judgement has become impaired. If only I had stopped and thought!

I flew up to Edinburgh Monday evening and I got home Thusday evening about 10 pm. I had to get up and be back at work by 9:30 on Friday morning. I over did it got very stressed and did not realise what was happening until I found myself crying for stupid things while I was at work yesterday.

What got me so stressed out was rumours flying about regarding the reorganisation of the department. I worked with two people in my small team within the department for most of last year. They were my boss and one temporary member of staff. I had a great year, I felt I had a lot of support and working with these people was well within my comfort zone. It was announced that two more people would join our small group from yesterday. They are based in other european countries so it would involve some virtual collaboration. The temporary guy who I sat with and worked with for most of last year would be moving to a different group. I did not realise how worried I had become about the changes.

I sat with the two new people at dinner and made an effort to start getting to know them. I felt like I could cope with the changes and I would still have the support of this small group even if a few people changed.

I had about 10 to 11 hour working days all week, (I count the socialising that we are encouraged to do too as this is very draining and not at all relaxing for me!)

Thursday morning we were told that our new group would have lunch together, this is when I flipped!! I started asking my boss loads of questions about the rumours I had heard, putting him on the spot in front of everyone and giving him some very direct, nasty and harsh feedback in front of others. All he did in return was be nice to me and I was really using him as a punch bag!!! The harder I punch the more he tries to build my confidence, I feel really bad now, I made him look bad in front of his new employees. The truth is if I talk to other people while I am stressd they try to emphasise which really does nothing for me. He discusses issues and treats me with respoect which makes me feel a lot better. I just hope I do not wear out my punch bag and hope it is tough enough to cope. I know no one else who can make me feel better in this way, I wish he was my friend and not my boss!!

The hypomanic bit came in as many senior management and directors were there. I though well I always get good feedback from my participation in these meetings so this is an excellent opportunity for my career. As I focused on this I started to believe that the new people in my very small support group were not an issue and I would lead the group and be an important member of the group. I have not really been ambitous in the the past but I have enjoyed working on operational projects. In the last few years all these projects have been given only to group leaders, therfore I have become more ambitous as I would like to be involved in them again.

While I was trying to cease the opportunity I became very focused and my objective became obsessive, my opinion was no longer balanced, I fear I have made a fool of myself :(! I convinced myself that I would be a group leader and it was only a matter of time, I have switched roles in my department and someone from my old role said he wanted to see me sitting up there with the group leaders. I think that was another trigger.

While I was kicking my punch bag (my boss) he said he had been very proud of my contribution to the meeting over the past few days, that just makes me feel worse for being so mean. I think I probably looked a lot worse than him for using my punch bag in public.

Next time I will stop trying so hard, what will be will be!

I came home from work sick yesterday as I kept crying. I spent about 24 hours watching TV and sleeping, I think the one thing I can change next time is to get more sleep and not go to the pub or drink in the evenings. I so enjoy it though!!! My mind can just not cope though :o(