Saturday, December 15, 2007

Instructions if you recognise me...

WARNING: I express my feelings openly in this blog, I talk about some very dark years in my life and my experiances of self harm and suicidal thoughts, don't read any of this if you don't want to. If you have recognised me it might be tempting (it would be to me!) but be strong and turn away now if you don't want to know.

Ok, here's the story. I started this blog in 2006 and I have kept it going far longer than I expected I ever would. I have started to find it more and more easily in google searches and even through a few links on relevant topic pages. In an ideal world it would be totally annonymous but as we live in the real world some people who know me well or have a lot of contact with me may recognise me through my actions, my experiances or my behavior. This message is for all those people....

Number one; say hello in a comment otherwise contact me through facebook (using my real name) or by email and let me know you have read this, I really don't mind. If you want to approach me face to face that's ok too but please warn me in advance.

Number two; don't feel you have to discuss any of the content with me, try not to feel awkward. I really don't mind people knowing about my past problems or my current battles and I know the internet is a public place. If you do want to talk about it that's ok too.

Number three; I often use this to vent, if you recognise yourself keep in mind that I don't worry what other people think of me anymore and I don't judge other people. The hardest part of what I have been through is believing other people don't like me. This has tortured me in the past and I never want any of the people around me to feel like that. Yes, I get frustrated with people ocasionally but I'm human and it never lasts. I am a person who loves my family, friends, colleagues and acquaintences. I don't want them to feel the slightest hurt. (maybe the meds I take keep me well sedated)

Number four; Don't talk about me or my blog to other people who know me, even if you are saying nice things this tends to make me very paranoid and uncomfortable.

Number five; Read the About Me post for my reasons for writing this blog, and yes I know the risks. But I want others to understand what I have been through and what I am still going through, I want to help people who are suffering and help their family and friends to understand.


Anonymous said...

Hi. I came across your blog doing a google search on bipolar and anxiety. I read your about me section and a couple of your entries and I see so much of myself in you even though we don't know each other. I went to my doctor and to keep it short, I told her I felt like was going crazy, which is my biggest fear...losing my mind. She thinks I could possibly have a mood disorder/social anxiety/phobia disorder. I have had dark thoughts that I wouldn't dare say out loud and last night I think I was at my worst. I must have cried for an hour straight for a million reasons and none at all because I know they were all unreasonable thoughts. My mind wouldn't stop going. I had thoughts of killing myself i searched the house for pills and thought about finding a bridge, then thought about grabbing one of my dads razor blades....then I thought about my twin sister and my boyfriend. The two people who mean the most to me in this world. I realized that I couldn't do that to them. Of course I haven't told my doctor about these thoughts,as she'd probably have me locked away somewhere. Besides I don't think I have the guts to go through with it.

I am not sure why I am telling you all this. I haven't told any one this and what I wrote about isn't even the half of it. I guess I'm scared. Scared of myself. Scared Im losing my mind of losing the people closest to me.I guess I just want someone to tell me it's going to be okay... I keep thinking about the way things were a few months ago. I was on top of the world, things were great. Work was great. I was happy. Then a switch was hit and it was like I was coming down off a high. I realized that maybe I shouldnt have got that apartment i am currently living in and about to move out of and back to my parents'. My mind was still going, I felt restless and sad/tearful all at the same time and doing 90 mph down the freeway when the limit is 65... I even think I had a couple of panic attacks along the way. NOw, I can't concentrate at work at all my mind felt broken last week. A customer called me and it was like he was speaking a completely different language, i probably haven't had a decent nights sleep in weeks....

I wanted to send you a personal email, but I didn't see an email address anywhere...not that I would expect a reply back. I am sorry my thoughts seem scattered in this long note. I tend to write a lot when I get like this...thanks for reading this

Graham N said...

Hi Annie

I applaud what you are doing. I hope some "supporters" of people with BP get to see the blog as it may offer them some useful insights into why their "loved ones" may do or say what they do! I frequently join in discussions on David Oliver's blog, and it scares me to see how little many supporters misunderstand the people they are meaning to support, often to the point where I believe more harm than good! I do my best there to open a few eyes. I suppose that is what you are doing here, although I suppose it is also a place for you to work off some of the inherent frustrations that BP causes!!! And there are a lot of them, ain't there!

One of my current frustrations is due to a recent diagnosis of diabetes. Bugger! It's eating sugary stuff that helps me through the depressions, and I'm more depressed than hypo! And then there are the dire consequences of diabetes that will arise sooner or later, depending on what one does to delay them. Organ failure, strokes, heart disease, etc. The trouble is ... you guess? ... I don't care! Let it come on, I find myself saying! Do your worst, I challenge it. Where this weill eventually lead ... I cannot tell but right now I wish it would all end.

Mike said...

Hey Annie,
This may not have to do with your post here but I'm just wondering if you would like to exchange blog links so if you add my blog: ""
Then I'll add yours on my Blogroll on my website. Keep up the great posts, and godspeed in your recovery.

DC said...

Hi Annie
I myself struggle with ADD and how it affects my ability to be a productive member of society. I really like your blog and your honesty.
Thank you