I'm so tired...

After starting to loose control in the summer months I made quite a large achievement. I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist before the time I was asked to return. I even managed to get a cancellation. The problem was that I had been sleeping too much.

Since then I have reduced my dose of quetiapine from 200mg daily to 150mg daily. My psychiatrist said I was over sedated. This has stopped me sleeping all he time but my anxiety has been slowly increasing. It is now at quite an uncomfortable level :o(. I do not know if I am so tired because I am anxious or so anxious because I am so tired. I am falling asleep on the sofa now after drinking half a bottle of wine.

Work is tough. I have so much to do but I do not want to let anything go. I really need other peoples approval. I worry that if I let things go I will loose the approval of the people I admire and respect most. I don't want to let anyone down. I have a meeting with my manager on monday to discuss my work load and how we can reduce it. I do not want to loose his respect and approval either. My colleagues are my friends and mean so much to me.

I feel bad about the way I have insisted that my work load be cut. I told my supervisor that my psychiatrist had said I need to work less hours. This is partly true but I can not remember exactly what he said. He definitely talked about how large companies put pressure on people to achieve more and more. He said that this continues until the employee pushes back and with my personality I like to please and may not push back. I think he said the last bit anyway. This is so right it is scary. He hit the nail right on the head.

I told my supervisor that my psychiatrist said I must push back and say no. I can't remember if he actually said that though so now I feel anxious about the whole situation.

I feel so rotten and tired at the moment. A friend commented on how tired I look and I am now back to visiting the psychiatrist every 6 weeks rather than every 6 months. I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few weeks.

Next week we have a department meeting and I have to go to evening events finishing after 10pm. There will be a 45 min drive home and then an hours drive in the morning to 8:45am starts. I said I would have to leave the evening events early, I said I was on medication a which makes me sleep and 8:45am was a very early start for me. This did not go down well with the organisers. I do think my supervisor, manager and occupational health are very understanding but I still feel bad. The thing that gets me is I would love to stay, but I just know I would not manage it though!

The week after next I am travelling for work and then I have 10 days holiday! I REALLY need the break!

I'm so tired!

A new relationship, a BIG risk to find LOVE!

I'm still fed up, work is really difficult at the moment and everything is going wrong. My mind is just numb.

I'm still seeing that guy I mentioned a few posts ago. We had a really nice weekend and are planning to meet again on Sunday. I'm just taking things one day at the time and trying to enjoy it. It's nice to have someone about who cares for me and someone I care about.

I am quite screwed up when it comes to relationships. My parents have not shown each other any affection since I was very small. It seems to me that they can not bare to be in the same room as each other. My Mum seems to despise my Dad and is really nasty and spiteful to him. He just takes it all and rarely retaliates. My eldest sister (who is a half sister) says that my Mum married him for a meal ticket as she was a single Mum. I know my grandparents told her not to marry him because she would always regret it. From what I can remember they liked my Dad very much and I never heard a bad word, from them, against him. I wonder if she had doubts from the start?

All I can think about is being stuck in a relationship and not being able to get out, just like she is. Last year when I was dating someone who was completely wrong for me my Mum told me that I was stupid to dump him because I was not getting any younger and there might not be anyone else who wanted me. Maybe I should just not take her relationship advise and leave it at that.

I have been thinking about visiting my Grandparents grave. I have never done it before however, sometimes when I was very upset I would feel like my Nan was there. Shortly after my Grandad died I felt he was there too. I have not felt their presence for a few years. I wonder if I would get some comfort from visiting their grave? When my Grandad died my mood was all over the place. It was shortly before I was first diagnosed with depression. I wore a yellow jacket to his funeral, I don't think he would forgive me or understand!

I am also screwed up from the one serious relationship I have had. I was emotionally dependent on someone else. I hid behind him and would not do anything alone. I never want to be like that again. It took me years to really get over him dumping me. I'm a bit nervous of falling in love with someone and being dumped! However, even that has to be better than being stuck in a relationship without love.

This man is nervous of failure and thinks rejection is failure. To me failure is making the wrong decision and ultimately being unhappy myself or hurting him. The earlier you get out of a relationship the less hurt but if you get out too soon without finding out if you might have a future you are on your own forever. I think maybe we might have a future.

I want it to work, I want a secure loving relationship with a future. I want to share the ups and downs of life and I want someone to share the mundane routine with. I know I need to let go of the anxieties and just get to know him and find out if he wants the same things as I do. I have now started caring enough not to want it to go wrong.

I wonder what it would be like to have a 'normal' confident life. The early days of a romance are suppose to be a whirl wind of pleasure!!! Oh why oh why!!

Video Camera

I'm feeling a bit tired and getting paranoid at the moment. I can't wait to go on holiday.

I have been on a training course for the last few days. It was filmed so it can be broadcast on the internet. I was comfortable with this because when I watched a course on the internet, which was run by the same people, and the audience were not filmed.

Today the audience were filmed. I was a bit anxious but I handled it. I was put on the spot and had to come out to the front of the room while being filmed. The good news is that I did not panic or blackout but could notanswer my question when everyone else had answered theirs. At the end of the course the organiser asked that if anone did not want to appear on the video to contact him.

I left some quite strong comments on the feedback form saying we should have the right not to be filmed and we should have been warned about the filming. I said the filming will deter me from attending future courses. I feel embarrised for making a fuss. I left my comment annonymously but I am still getting anxious and paranoid about any discusions of comments they may have. I'm not sure which is worse.

I alsoworry about appearing on the inernet film. I am not sure what would be worse though, being disguised and the only person disguised so people who knew I was there would know it was me or just letting it happen. I will probably let it happen but feel very cross I that I have had to make the decision.

Comming home I got a bit hypo with unrealistic expectations of my self and started to over genralise about what 'they' would say about the head case who got stroppy about the camera. I also got quite emotional about people taking the piss in the past and if 'they' had not done this the camera would not be an issue. I'm not even sure if anyone took this piss in the past or whether I was delusional with my depression for a long time.

Anyway, I must get some kip.
PS. Gorden Brown is now PrimeMinister

Embarising Moments

I used to pass out quite a lot, always extremely embarising.

1. At school about aged 14 or so. We were watching a video about the innerintestines. My Mum always told me I was not to watch these incase it made me pass out (wise in her day, in heinsite this probably made me worse) Anyway I passed out in front of the whole class and apparently fitted.

A few weeks later in the same class, same teacher, a boy came to swap a video. The teacher said to the boy in front of the whole class not to make a fuss as someone might pass out. The whole class laughed at me :o(

I did not know very nice people back then!! People are much nicer these days. I am well clear of that village, that school and those people.


2. I handed a peice of course work in for my MSc. In the lecture everyone was talking about something that was really obvious and I had not done it. I had another panic attack. I fainted in front of the class. Luckily my fellow students were a lot nicer than the people at school and genuinely concerned. I lt the room and threw up several times in the corridor. I lied and said I was feeling rough from a virus.

3. I got a tiny cut working in a bakery for my school work experiance, aged 16. It was a thin scatch that did not fully break the skin but I fainted. I went home after I fainted much to the bosses annoyance. The remainder of the time I was there I was not allowed to use a sharp knife and as one of my duties was slicing baguettes and spreading garlic butter my colleagues made a big deal that I was not to touch the sharp knives and they had to do it for me. My SA was extremely bad at this time and I did not speak to any of the other staff for the three weeks I was there. I still get angry that I went to my GP and the school knew but I was never offered counselling or any help. I was in the early 90's though.

4. Finally passing out and throwing up due to panic all over the optician. Medical people always made me worse.

I have not passed out for about seven years now and lead a pretty normal SA free life. I sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself about how life treated me for the first 23 years of my life :o( but no way am I going back to that dark place.

A Women's Social Anxiety Meet

I went to (and helped organise) a Social Anxiety Meet for Women on Saturday. I found the meeting REALLY REALLY difficult. I knew most of the women I met and have spoken to them all on a one to one basis. I can say I like each of them and got on well with them on their own.

I found it very un nerving how quickly the group gelled together and bonded through small talk. I flashed back to memories of always beng excluded from groups at school. I found it really difficult and it felt like I was being excluded and talked about. I know it was not happening with these people as they all have SA and would never do anything like that to someone.

What really triggered the thoughts for me were taking about men and some of the men who go to the Social Anxiety Meets only go to meet women. I do not have a problem with this as my purpose to meets is similar although I really want to meet friends first.

I really do understand that some women would find the general meets intimidating if someone fancied them and they did not know how to handle it. I took offense when they over generalised and said'men' a lot.

I personally get on far better with men than women as a general rule. I find women bond by finding a common grudge whether that is about an individual or group of people where men tend to bond over sport or more general topics.

I blame a long history of delusional depression of thinking people hate me and are wispering about me all the time. I went from age 11 right up until last year with a paranoid view of life. I believed that people always hated me, I was an outsider and the but of all jokes. Having felt like I have been on the receiving end of this for many years I am very sensitive if people critisie others. This really upsets me.

I over generalise myself and take any form of critisim as hatred and implying thatsomeone is not as good as the people critising. I find this very offensive.

I found the womens meet extremely difficult and I am debating whether to go to another to work on my fear of them or just stay away and avoid groups of women forever.

In a small group I am comfortable with steering conversations away from other people but as groups get larger it is more and more difficult. I find men are not as likely to talk about others as women so maybe that is why I find mixed groups easier?

Anyone got any thoughts?

Scared of Change

Today I suddenly understood why so many people don't like change. My boss told me a colleague was returning from maternity leave in November. Things have been going so well since she left, I have taken on loads more responsibility and I now love my job. When I was working with her I felt very stiffled and held back career wise as I had to do as she asked. I now have my own studies and have built good relationships with our customers and I am really enjoying work.

I felt really worried after he told me and my mind went quite blank. I stared at the screen for about 20 minutes, the idea of the change really worried me and frightened me. In the past I have always always been excited by change and looked at things as a bit of an adventure. I never really understood peoples fear of change. I think you have to be happy with what you have to fear change! I think this is one reason why I have never connected with people in the past.

On the way home from work I kind of realised I have never been this happy before. Although a part of me hates being on my own so much I feel I have more to loose now than I have ever had in the past.

I did not feel sorry for myself or sad but I felt really tired like I was about to fall asleep and I had no energy!! I just felt like I wanted to go to sleep.

Frightened of doing well...

I am really confused and excited all at the same time! Work has been quite hard but good recently. I identified a number of potential errors and did my best to correct them. It was a stretch for me to do this but after the initial anxieties of calling people I did enjoy it.

What frightened me is my boss asked me to complete an eResume to capture my skills so he can help find tasks for me to do that will increase my experiance. He said that I am really good at what I do and have the ability to drive people to decisions or make them understand the consequences of not making decisions. My supervisor has always said I am good at what I do but I have always just brushed it off.

I do not know how I feel about putting my skills online for everyone at work to see but I do need new challenges all the time to keep my mind busy, I'd also like a few more good pay rises so I can buy some where nice to live.

I have this dream of owning a little sports car, living in a luxury apartment with balcony (or small house with garden) and flying all over europe for work. The problem is that at the moment I feel safe in my job and I am really bad at failing publicly. It might all go wrong but if I never take any risks my dreams will not have a hope of becoming reality!

I am starting to dare myself to believe that I might be good at what I do.

A bad morning

I got up this morning feeling as I have done every morning recently, I got dressed, not exactly in my best clothes but wore a skirt to keep cool and a green top. As I looked in the full length mirror on the way out I saw some woman looking back who dressed like they were 50 and has no fashion sense.

I left the house anyway and headed off for work. The automatic negative thoughts got the better of me and by the time I got to work I felt like a complete total missfit. I kept going, I got out the car to walk to the office but I felt like the people walking behind me were making judgements and sniggering. Wen I walked up the stairs someone held the door open for me, they seemed tolook me up and down and laught too. I passed two other people on the way to my desk and the same happened.

I sat at my desk shaking and sweating for about 5 minutes, it felt like everyone was staring at me. I managed to turn the computer on but I could not cope with sitting there. When I wanted to go and get a drink but I could not face standing up.

I sent an instant message to my boss saying I was not feeling well and I needed to take the morning off. That was a big mistake, I may as well said I am going to gohome and cut my wriats. I should have said I had to take the cat to the vet or something. He called me into his office and started questioning me. He said I could go home as long as I went down to occupational health first. The thought of walking through site with everyone starring was enough to make me cry so I decided I would stay at work. I tried this for a few minutes but think my boss staring at me too.

I emailed occupational health and told them I was having a bad day and needed to take a few hours off. Could I go now and go to see her this afteroon. She would not let me and said I had to go and see her there and then. I sat in her office and had to face a detailed third degree on my medication, the support I have been getting (or lack of it) how work was, and how much holiday I had taken. Eventually after sweating buckets and shaking I was allowed to come home and get changed.

This would have all been nice if I thought any of them were doing it because they cared about me and wanted to make sure I was ok. I think they aredoing it cos i is their job and they have to! None of them cared last year when I needed the help!

On the radio on the way home they were talking about everyones sense of fashion going out of the window and people just wear as fewer clothes as possible. This is the type of thing that sent me psychotic last time. I'm a bit scared incase I was hearing things. Unless there is a God after all and he is making sure I hear what I need to hear! Either way I laughed at the time but now I am a bit scared.

Anyway I have got changed and put on my favourite jeans (not suppose to wear jeans to work but hey that's the least of my problems today.) I made my consultation appointment at the Orthadontist today. It is on the 6 September! If I work on my appearance I think I will feel a bit more confident.

Anyway, I best get back to work! At least it will stop the shitty thoughts!