Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I had a bad day...
I was in tears three times before lunch this morning. I now feel drained and like shit. First a vendor we use at work told my boss I had refused to answer her question. Ok maybe I did not answer it but it was 9pm on Monday evening and I had done a whole days work on Sunday and been in the city on a course all day! OK, this pissed me off but I took a walk, could see where she was coming from and got over it.
A bit later I found an email from my boss telling me to note the words she had used and think about the impression I was giving her. Now that really annoyed me. I am doing my best and have been working 14 hour days this week so things did not slip while I was out the office. How dare he pick me up on this!
Anyway, I talked to him for a bit and he reassured me I was doing ok and said I could go home once I had done the essential stuff! Ok I got over that one again!
Next I went to lunch and I forgot my security pass. I knocked on the window and asked the security guy to let me in. Not only did he want to know where my pass was (that would be fair) but he started saying I can not leave it behind (as if I would lock myself out on purpose!). He was shouting at me 'How are you going to get back in?' How the hell was I suppose to know! I just walked away from him as I knew I could not take anymore. I sent my boss a text message and he came down to let me in. I was in full tears by this point. I could not look at him. He understood and let me be.
I bumped into the security guard again and he apologised for not helping me. Apparently he was talking to an off site boss who had reprimanded them all because 4 people had been found onsite without passes last week. He felt bad but it was not his fault I was upset. I still could not look at anyone because I knew I would start bawling rather than silent tears rolling down my face.
I finally got to the canteen to meet my friend. By then the table he was sitting on had filled up and I could not face strangers. I told him what had happened and we are going to meet on Friday.
I'm still on work email now, I'm just trying to keep the essentials ticking over but I am trying to rest. I can cope with these lows now but I'm not sure I can cope with people reactions to them. If anyone tries to be nice and if I do not know them well, it makes me worse. The people I know best seem to just keep me company and let me know they are there. They except "I'm having a bad day" as a good enough reason for the tears!
I think I need a rest.
A bit later I found an email from my boss telling me to note the words she had used and think about the impression I was giving her. Now that really annoyed me. I am doing my best and have been working 14 hour days this week so things did not slip while I was out the office. How dare he pick me up on this!
Anyway, I talked to him for a bit and he reassured me I was doing ok and said I could go home once I had done the essential stuff! Ok I got over that one again!
Next I went to lunch and I forgot my security pass. I knocked on the window and asked the security guy to let me in. Not only did he want to know where my pass was (that would be fair) but he started saying I can not leave it behind (as if I would lock myself out on purpose!). He was shouting at me 'How are you going to get back in?' How the hell was I suppose to know! I just walked away from him as I knew I could not take anymore. I sent my boss a text message and he came down to let me in. I was in full tears by this point. I could not look at him. He understood and let me be.
I bumped into the security guard again and he apologised for not helping me. Apparently he was talking to an off site boss who had reprimanded them all because 4 people had been found onsite without passes last week. He felt bad but it was not his fault I was upset. I still could not look at anyone because I knew I would start bawling rather than silent tears rolling down my face.
I finally got to the canteen to meet my friend. By then the table he was sitting on had filled up and I could not face strangers. I told him what had happened and we are going to meet on Friday.
I'm still on work email now, I'm just trying to keep the essentials ticking over but I am trying to rest. I can cope with these lows now but I'm not sure I can cope with people reactions to them. If anyone tries to be nice and if I do not know them well, it makes me worse. The people I know best seem to just keep me company and let me know they are there. They except "I'm having a bad day" as a good enough reason for the tears!
I think I need a rest.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I'm so tired.....
All I want to do is sleep. I think I have taken on too much recently :o(
I have been on a course, I have a big deadline at work and I am buying a flat.
It has now become too much for me....
It didn't seem that much a little while ago, the days just weren't long enough because I had to take my medication to make me sleep. This was just to keep my routine not because I was tired. My energy has now drained and all I want to do is sleep. The only thing that stops me calling in sick tomorrow is I love my job and it feels like a sicky.
I am going to do the minumum possible for a while, minimum work anyway!
I have been on a course, I have a big deadline at work and I am buying a flat.
It has now become too much for me....
It didn't seem that much a little while ago, the days just weren't long enough because I had to take my medication to make me sleep. This was just to keep my routine not because I was tired. My energy has now drained and all I want to do is sleep. The only thing that stops me calling in sick tomorrow is I love my job and it feels like a sicky.
I am going to do the minumum possible for a while, minimum work anyway!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
A LIFE LONG JOURNEY, Staying Well with Manic Depression/Bipolar Disorder
As I look along my bookcase I see a number of great self help books that have really helped me, I thought I'd review a few of them, maybe they can help others?
I found this book really good and comforting. It includes many accounts of real peple who have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and lead normal healthy lives. One of the hardest things about coming to terms with my illness was getting over the stereo type of psychiatric illness. I had heard of this condition before I was diagnosed but I had only ever heard horror stories.
I know someone (who is my mother's god daughter) , she has the more severe form of the illness. My mum would tell me how she was in hosptital because she thought she was a beautiful ballerina and would be dancing around the ward. I also thought people had no control and spent all their money on whims and these were uncontrollable and this was the case for everyone. I believed that medication did not work for anyone and it was only a matter of time before relapse. I thought as a manic or hypomanic episode starts everyone stopped taking there medication as they felt so good they did not need it. Unfortunately I knew very little and had only heard horror stories.
This book is very positive and puts many misconceptions to rest and presents an illness which can be successfully managed for many. By reading patients accounts it gave me many ideas to make my life easier and more manageable. I believe this is essential reading for anyone who is scared about their diagnosis.
Amazon Link
I found this book really good and comforting. It includes many accounts of real peple who have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and lead normal healthy lives. One of the hardest things about coming to terms with my illness was getting over the stereo type of psychiatric illness. I had heard of this condition before I was diagnosed but I had only ever heard horror stories.
I know someone (who is my mother's god daughter) , she has the more severe form of the illness. My mum would tell me how she was in hosptital because she thought she was a beautiful ballerina and would be dancing around the ward. I also thought people had no control and spent all their money on whims and these were uncontrollable and this was the case for everyone. I believed that medication did not work for anyone and it was only a matter of time before relapse. I thought as a manic or hypomanic episode starts everyone stopped taking there medication as they felt so good they did not need it. Unfortunately I knew very little and had only heard horror stories.
This book is very positive and puts many misconceptions to rest and presents an illness which can be successfully managed for many. By reading patients accounts it gave me many ideas to make my life easier and more manageable. I believe this is essential reading for anyone who is scared about their diagnosis.
Amazon Link
Monday, January 21, 2008
Good Friends and Family
Yesterday I started sorting through some of my keep sakes ready to pack and move. I found a card one of my friends sent me while I was in hospital a few years ago. She had written a long message in it. I only read about a quarter of it and I couldn't go any further. It was just too hard. I had a good cry and packed it away in a shoe box. I have two of three really special friends who I love to peices.
My nephew came to see me an Saturday, my parents bought him down. I took them all to see my new flat and we went out for lunch. When he got home and my sister asked him what he did he said the I said 'Just calm down'. He was over excited and I kept telling him to sit on the sofa and count to one hundred.
Apparently he was still talking about me this morning. The first thing he said when he woke up was 'Aunty Annie wears contact lentals'. He meant contact lenses. He also got in the car this morning and told my sister that he wanted to call me as he had something really exciting to tell me. He told me there was a lump of mud on the road. He is a very clever little boy, he has just turned four and he can count to one hundred and knows his two times table. He also knows all his letters and reads quite a few words. I hope he does not turm out to be so clever he does no fit in. I love my nephew so much!
I'm not so sure that I need a man and a family of my own. I keep thinking that I will never want to leave my flat once I move in!
Family can also be a nightmare though. My sister and I were talking about charities we donate to. I said that I donate regulary to the NSPCC, she basically told me I wasted my money as it was the most over funded charity in the UK and it is a waste of money. She actually raised her voice to me. How dare she inflict her opinions on me as fact. I chose the NSPCC for two reasons; 1. they have just taken over childline and currently childline can only answer one third of all calls; 2. There was a little boy about the same age as my nephew on a TV advert, I just thought what if Oscar ever needs someone outside the family to talk to, I want to know his call would be answered.
I tried to call childline myself when I was very desperate and depressed as a teenager, nobody answered my calls, they need to be well funded as every time a child calls for help someone has to be there.
My nephew came to see me an Saturday, my parents bought him down. I took them all to see my new flat and we went out for lunch. When he got home and my sister asked him what he did he said the I said 'Just calm down'. He was over excited and I kept telling him to sit on the sofa and count to one hundred.
Apparently he was still talking about me this morning. The first thing he said when he woke up was 'Aunty Annie wears contact lentals'. He meant contact lenses. He also got in the car this morning and told my sister that he wanted to call me as he had something really exciting to tell me. He told me there was a lump of mud on the road. He is a very clever little boy, he has just turned four and he can count to one hundred and knows his two times table. He also knows all his letters and reads quite a few words. I hope he does not turm out to be so clever he does no fit in. I love my nephew so much!
I'm not so sure that I need a man and a family of my own. I keep thinking that I will never want to leave my flat once I move in!
Family can also be a nightmare though. My sister and I were talking about charities we donate to. I said that I donate regulary to the NSPCC, she basically told me I wasted my money as it was the most over funded charity in the UK and it is a waste of money. She actually raised her voice to me. How dare she inflict her opinions on me as fact. I chose the NSPCC for two reasons; 1. they have just taken over childline and currently childline can only answer one third of all calls; 2. There was a little boy about the same age as my nephew on a TV advert, I just thought what if Oscar ever needs someone outside the family to talk to, I want to know his call would be answered.
I tried to call childline myself when I was very desperate and depressed as a teenager, nobody answered my calls, they need to be well funded as every time a child calls for help someone has to be there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)