The happiness was short lived. I can't remember what I called my ex boss on Friday but it was not polite. It was followed by "I am glad I no longer report to you, and I will keep all comunication minimal and professional from now on". I almost hope I am disciplined for this. I do not think it would be grounds for out right dismisal but a written warning would not surprise me at all!

My mood is so low I just keep staring at the walls. I keep getting dressed and going through the motions just for something to do. I bought a box of paracetemol at the garage when i filled up with petrol. I think I'll collect a few more so I have a way out if things don't get any better.

I'm shouting and screaming for someone to talk to me at work but the more frustrated and upset I get the less I can comunicate. My boss is in Germany now, the languauge and geographical barrier is far greater than I ever dreamt it would be. I can't keep going like this much longer.

Positive Action

I took 300mg of quetiapine again last night. I took 200mg at 9.30pm but when I was still awake at 11pm I took another 100mg. I finally got to sleep after midnight but I did sleep well.

I got to work quite late. This morning I sent my health details and the 'reasonable adjustments' I think would help me to my manager. I mentioned the flexible working hours for the mornings when I am drowsy as well as the need to be clear when giving feedback and putting all feedback into context.

I found this website really helpful...

• Mental health and the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA)
• Mental health and work

My manager thanked me for my openess, said there is no need to apologise for getting upset the other day and said he would take sometime to think about it all carefully.

This afternoon I went to see my psychiatrist and discussed recent events. I am going to permanently increase the quetiapine and it is ok to take a little extra when needed to help me sleep.

I'm going to the gym tonight! I hope I have hit rock bottom now and things will start getting better!

That's it!!

I'm sick to death of fighting. I'm depressed, fed up and give up!!
I've had enough of fighting this depression and I am now going to do nothing. I don't want to be a vulnerable victim so I will just give up and take loads of medication and sleep!

tears at work

Work was horrible, a really hard slog today. I was in tears twice for no reason at all. I went to submit my end of year appraisal to find my supervisor had been changed on the system. I guess this is an administration error surely this would not be done without informing me and it is VERY unlikely to be the person it has been changed to. This just adds to the uncertainty and stress :o(.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

I have had enough....

I have had this horrible flu like virus thing the last few days. The physical symptoms are begining to clear but the depression is starting to set in :o(. I am still tired with a blocked nose and headache tho'.

All the uncertainty at work really isn't helping. My supervisor has told me that he will be moving to a new role so that is fact not rumour now. I have a lot of anxieties about how my job is likely to change when I have a new supervisor. I think I got a bit hypo as I have taken on far too much work and with one particular project I have I am beginning to feel out of my depth. There are new people working on it and they are very negative.

I'm ready to give up on work for various reasons. I use to thinkI was good at what I did and I had a future. Now there is nothing apart from a lot of hassle and no suport from anyone. But if I do not have work what is there?

I am feeling very very low :(

feeling miserable

Here's a photo from my hols, a traditional English seaside holiday! Hopefully to cheer up the post...


I have internet access back, had it for about 10days now. My mood is all over the place as there is a man about who I'm not sure whether is interested in me and I am not sure if I'm interested but think he seems really nice and I'd like to find out. I'm feeling particulary low tonight. I had a few days off work after my holiday as I was really low. Then decided to sort myself out have buzzed non stop for the last few weeks and now my mood has crashed again.

I wish I knew what normal was, maybe this is normal?? Maybe I just try to hard to feel better when I am feeling normal. Maybe that is what sends me hypo! I think the key is to just accept my different moods, not hate them and not fight them! I don't think there will ever be a man who can cope! Isit even fair to impose my moods on others?

I had a bad day...

I was in tears three times before lunch this morning. I now feel drained and like shit. First a vendor we use at work told my boss I had refused to answer her question. Ok maybe I did not answer it but it was 9pm on Monday evening and I had done a whole days work on Sunday and been in the city on a course all day! OK, this pissed me off but I took a walk, could see where she was coming from and got over it.

A bit later I found an email from my boss telling me to note the words she had used and think about the impression I was giving her. Now that really annoyed me. I am doing my best and have been working 14 hour days this week so things did not slip while I was out the office. How dare he pick me up on this!

Anyway, I talked to him for a bit and he reassured me I was doing ok and said I could go home once I had done the essential stuff! Ok I got over that one again!

Next I went to lunch and I forgot my security pass. I knocked on the window and asked the security guy to let me in. Not only did he want to know where my pass was (that would be fair) but he started saying I can not leave it behind (as if I would lock myself out on purpose!). He was shouting at me 'How are you going to get back in?' How the hell was I suppose to know! I just walked away from him as I knew I could not take anymore. I sent my boss a text message and he came down to let me in. I was in full tears by this point. I could not look at him. He understood and let me be.

I bumped into the security guard again and he apologised for not helping me. Apparently he was talking to an off site boss who had reprimanded them all because 4 people had been found onsite without passes last week. He felt bad but it was not his fault I was upset. I still could not look at anyone because I knew I would start bawling rather than silent tears rolling down my face.

I finally got to the canteen to meet my friend. By then the table he was sitting on had filled up and I could not face strangers. I told him what had happened and we are going to meet on Friday.

I'm still on work email now, I'm just trying to keep the essentials ticking over but I am trying to rest. I can cope with these lows now but I'm not sure I can cope with people reactions to them. If anyone tries to be nice and if I do not know them well, it makes me worse. The people I know best seem to just keep me company and let me know they are there. They except "I'm having a bad day" as a good enough reason for the tears!

I think I need a rest.

Depressed now

I feel really low now, I have just curled up and cryed the last few evenings but I am feeling slightly better at the moment. I am just sick and tired of being single. I want some company in the evenings, someone to give me a hug share my tryumphs and help me through the tough times.

Is that too much to ask. I think I am feeling low as I have just discovered a man I liked is married. I no longer have those little day dreams so I am eating instead.

I think I need some new hobbies, something to get me out in the dark evenings and something where I am likely to meet youngish, single, intelligent and handsome men. Anyone got any ideas before I eat myself into stupidity. I have given up on internet dating. I might try speed dating again just to get out the house. I tried salsa dancing a while ago, I might try that again.

I feel very misserable, this is the longest depression (about 4 days) which I have had since June.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ):

Self Harm as a Release

I have always thought of self harm as a cry for help and never seriously attempted it before as I was worried that people would think I am attention seeking and being a spoilt brat.

Yesterday I had a particulary bad day at work, I had put all my effort into two peices of work and really gave it everything I had. I thought on Wednesday it was complete, when I went in yesterday morning a very senior person in the company said simply he had changed his mind and did not want to use the wording I provided as an alternative for his inappropriate proposal. He wrote quite a rude and abrupt email so that really upset me.

I did not do any work yeasterday and I was in tears a couple of times. I was really ready to just resign and have done with it. I have been living in this town for nearly 5 years and I have tried really hard to meet people during the last 18 months and there is still no one I can call upon to go to the pub with after a bad day! I was seriouslg considering quitting my job and moving closer to my family. After all, a stressful famly is better than no famly!

I watch TV until 11pm just in numb mode, I went to bed and cryed for a while. After a bit the idea of self harm came into my head, I thought of the kitchen knives and I tried to cut myself wih a huge chopper. I did not want to cut deep as I did not want anyone to know. It did not matter if people thought I was attention seeking, I knew I was not!! In fact I did not want anyone to know!

The knives did not cut me, they were too blunt. I covered a used light bulb with a cloth and smashed it with a hammer. It took quite some effort to cut through my skin and draw blood. I was really surprised about how thick my skin is.

I have only managed a cut of about 1 cm. I felt quiet in the mind after, it was a release. I forced myself to get up and go to work this morning. I must have looked a right wreck. I did not wash, (I cleaned teeth cos of my brace) but I threw dirty clothes on and went to work.

It was really hard wth peple saying morning and stuff, I went to the bathroom several time and tryed to bite myself. I gotr some good hard bites up both arms but did not draw blood. It was a release from an unbearable situation.

At lunch time my boss (who I think of as a friend) asked me to join him for lunch. We had a good chat about things and I felt a lot better this afternoon :o). I do not feel like harming myself anymore.

I now understand that self harm is not attention seeking, those people I listened to many years ago when I was frst contemplating it were wrong. Self harm is a release. I in no way want to kill myself or stop living but the self harm is a coping strategy. Not an ideal one but it take the emotional pain away.

I know I probably need a bit more help right noe but I do not want to bother the doctor or psychiatrist this close to Christmas. Anyway I do not want more meds and I do not want pity. My chat at lunch time was the help I needed.

I am going to get my PC fixed in the new year as a matter of a priority, my blogg is definitely a better release than bites.

The bite marks are gone now, but they took several hours to go. I hope they do not bruise as I do not want to wear long sleeves all over Christmas.

Sorry for such a depressive post so close to Christmas, but it helps to write these things down. I still feel I have a new confidence, I am not bad for wanting to harm myself, it was a coping strategy until someone had time for me!

Miserable

I feel really miserable and fed up. I had a good day at work, it was office clear up day so I threw a lot of old folders out and cleaned my desk. That all went well.

I had my end of year review this afternoon and that went well and was all positive. I should get a pa rise in April.

I got home from work about 6pm and watched a spot of TV. I spoke to ‘Mr Apparently Creepy Guy’ again. Then I went to the local pub for dinner. The service was really crap but the food was good. I was dining alone which was a bit depressing, when I went to order the lady was pretty moody and I ordered my meal for one and she just said ‘What Else?’ I said ‘that’s it’ and she just mumbled something like ‘ok’. I moved on to order my drink from the bar and a large party of middle age women got there just in front of me. All I wanted was one soft drink but I had to wait for several people to buy their rounds and hand out their Christmas cards.

I am reading ‘The Road to Nab End, An extraordinary Northern Childhood’ by William Woodruff. I usually like this kind of book because they are living memories of history. I love getting sunk in to the old fashioned community that I have not experienced since a very young age. One part of the last chapter mentioned Bill had an Aunty who was deaf and going blind, she was a spinster and none of her family would take her in. That’s going to be me! – maybe that is what has upset me?

I came home went to bed and cried for a bit. After I stopped I just laid there feeling numb so I thought I would post! I do not think I will go to work in the morning because I feel very low. I have set my alarm so I can see how I feel tomorrow but I feel like I deserve a duvet day! Hopefully sleep should fix things?

feeling crap again

I have had a very busy hectic week at work, I have worked over 50 hours this week.

Had a strop at work this afternoon and cried. My boss stayed late with me until 8pm to get through the min that I had to do to take next week off

The cats fur has fallen out around the base of her tail. I am going away for a few days and need to get her to the cattery by 10am. I have not cleaned her litter tray for a few days so I am worried that it is my fault! I am going to try

At least I have next week off work, I am taking my nephew out on Monday and Tuesday! That should be fun. He will be three soon!

I am going to look up Gullivers Land before I go to sleep!

Automatic Negative Thoughts

I have just spent the evening with my friend, she gave me some photos of her baby. I was really pleased she let me have them and I was making plans of where I was going to put them.

I put the photo on the seat next to me and drove home. On the way home I stopped at the fisn 'n' chip shop to get some food. I got in the car and placed these too on the seat next to me. I worried for an instant about the greece going through but decided they would be ok because the chips were well wrapped and a little greece would wipe off in worse case scenario.

When I got out of the car I found that the heat from the chips had melted some of the print on the photos. Ok it was sad but only effected one of the pictures, I still had all the others.

I was sitting on the floor eating my chips from the paper and I knocked my drink all over the photos. It has ruined the whole lot :o(. The ink has washed off :o( !!It has ruined the whole lot. To just rub salt in the wound the print from the photo is all over the rug I scrubbed on my hands and knees last week.

My automatic thoughts are just 'you never look after anything, you are so careless, x won't give you anymore, she should have given them to someone else'

I feel so miserable about it!! :o(

I'm trying to fight the automatic negative thoughts but I'm so tired I just want to cry.

Still no word from the someone else, and the other guy seems to have lost interest too. I am destined to be alone forever.

Maybe it will seem better in the morning!

I feel low and sick and shit!!!

I have had a few crap days where I have been lost in unrealistic fantsies. I even pretended the person was with me to talk to, I kept telling myself to stop but I felt loved and happy, emotionally fullfilled. I convinced myself that someone loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their life with me and have children, I convinced myself they loved me. What a fuckin idiot! What goes up must come down! Crashing down!

I now feel numb, stupid and sick because I have been comfort eating and have ate far to much junk. As if I am not fat enough already! Why is life so shit!!! Why didn't I stop myself!

I don't think I will ever meet a nice man who understands me and who is attractive and has half a brain cell between their ears, not ancient and not immature!

AGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate myself and I feel SHIT!!!! Why is life so crap?

PS. Have not met my new neice yet, her Mummy is still feeling very rough! Hopefully tomorrow butI think I might just hold her and cry and cry right now!