Uncertainty at Work

Things have been going wellfor a while now. I am still on the lower doses of quetiaine and sertraline. I have been seeing the psychiatrist a littlemore frequently recently but the letter he wrote after my last appointment said "Annie is doing well and her mentalhealth is stable".

I have has the brace off my teeth for a few weeks now and I am pleased with the result. I do not feel self concious about smiling in front of strangers or in photos at the moment. The only thing that worries me about smiling in fron of friends is that some people want to gawp into my mouth! I mean is this normal behavior! I personally think it is an invasion into my perseonal space. I have been refusing to open my mouth!

Work is really demanding as usual. I have been working quite long hours and bringing work home in the evenings. I know this is not healthy but I care about my work and cannot leave it if I have not given it my best.

Today has been a tough one. I have been to Germany for the day. I am over tired now after being up 21 hours (it is now 1am) . I have been in bed about an hour and just cryed a lot. I think, mainly, I just need a good nights sleep.

I'm feeling very paranoid. I am wondering if those I trust and respect at work care about me at all. I am fighting the urge to try and mind read and reminding myself to take people at face value. It is hard at he moment due to certain stresses.

My supervisor, who I use to idolise, seems to be really struggling these last few months. I have been wondering if I would be better off with a different supervisor who could help me more effectively. I have heard from an indepenent source that I am not the only one who doubts his ability and is struggling to work with him. I have also heard a rumour that my manager is thinking about reorganising the department and removing some of his responsibilities, including all his direct reports.

I cannot get the idea out of my head, that if he is an inadequate supervisor that maybe the encouragement he has given me over the years was unfounded. Even worse, if the department is reorganised I may loose my studies and the people I work well with. He has been asking my favourite colleague why he likes working with me. What if my manager is thinking about finding someone else he would equally like to working with!

I know I am over tired and in the morning this may well sound crazy. Problem is if I turn off the lights I will just lay awake crying again. I wish I had someone to hold me, protect me and love me no matter what!

I SUPPOSE IT IS TIME TO TRY AND SLEEP AGAIN!

I am STRESSED but ok!

It has been a while since I last posted. Mainly I have been doing quite well. I am quite stressed as I have too much work to do. I am getting a lot of support though and my boss has taken some tasks away from me and given them to others.

I have been to a number of Social Anxiety meets and even arranged one of them myself :o). This has led to me being invited to a BBQ on Sunday. I think I will go :o)

I had a really bad day last week, I was stressed from work and cried all the way home. My thoughts started to work overtime. I was starting to get silly negative thoughts that were not doing me any good. I tried to go and see my friend but she did not answer the door. That started my mind going on more silly thoughts.

As I had not slept well for a few days I went to the GP for an emergency appointment and asked for a sleeping tablet. He would not give me one so I kind of got a bit angry with him and said I hate GP's. I told him how I wanted proper help in the form of therapy for years and the GP's kept fogging me off with tablets until everything got so bad I stopped taking them and ended up in hospital. Now I want a tablet he would not give me one. I sat in the surgery for about 30minutes crying and in the end he said he would give me a valium. He told me I had to sort out my job and keep routine going. I took this really badly as I try so hard to stay on top of things. I told him I wanted something non addictive and he said it was valium or nothing!! I stormed out and did a great wheel spin out of the car park :o)

I went home, took my emergency valium I have had in the cupboard for over a year, my seroqol and sertraline and then washed it all down with a healthy dose of whiskey. I rang my friend and she came around that night and took me to the pub for dinner.

I slept very well that night and the next day I felt a lot better. Work is still really stressful and today was worse!! I have spoken to my boss though and he is helping. I am sticking to 8 hour days and if I do not sleep well or start having difficulty turning off in the evenings I am going to call in sick the next day.

My friends are comming to dinner tonight so I best start cooking!! :o)