Uncertainty at Work

Things have been going wellfor a while now. I am still on the lower doses of quetiaine and sertraline. I have been seeing the psychiatrist a littlemore frequently recently but the letter he wrote after my last appointment said "Annie is doing well and her mentalhealth is stable".

I have has the brace off my teeth for a few weeks now and I am pleased with the result. I do not feel self concious about smiling in front of strangers or in photos at the moment. The only thing that worries me about smiling in fron of friends is that some people want to gawp into my mouth! I mean is this normal behavior! I personally think it is an invasion into my perseonal space. I have been refusing to open my mouth!

Work is really demanding as usual. I have been working quite long hours and bringing work home in the evenings. I know this is not healthy but I care about my work and cannot leave it if I have not given it my best.

Today has been a tough one. I have been to Germany for the day. I am over tired now after being up 21 hours (it is now 1am) . I have been in bed about an hour and just cryed a lot. I think, mainly, I just need a good nights sleep.

I'm feeling very paranoid. I am wondering if those I trust and respect at work care about me at all. I am fighting the urge to try and mind read and reminding myself to take people at face value. It is hard at he moment due to certain stresses.

My supervisor, who I use to idolise, seems to be really struggling these last few months. I have been wondering if I would be better off with a different supervisor who could help me more effectively. I have heard from an indepenent source that I am not the only one who doubts his ability and is struggling to work with him. I have also heard a rumour that my manager is thinking about reorganising the department and removing some of his responsibilities, including all his direct reports.

I cannot get the idea out of my head, that if he is an inadequate supervisor that maybe the encouragement he has given me over the years was unfounded. Even worse, if the department is reorganised I may loose my studies and the people I work well with. He has been asking my favourite colleague why he likes working with me. What if my manager is thinking about finding someone else he would equally like to working with!

I know I am over tired and in the morning this may well sound crazy. Problem is if I turn off the lights I will just lay awake crying again. I wish I had someone to hold me, protect me and love me no matter what!

I SUPPOSE IT IS TIME TO TRY AND SLEEP AGAIN!

Disapointed :o(

I thought I was getting the first half of my brace fitted at the orthadontist tomorrow but I got the day wrong and it was today. I missed the appointment! I was really disappointed and cried. I have been waiting twenty bloody years for this brace and was so looking forward to it. I was teased so much at school and not for prominant teeth but for not getting them fixed!! I have felt so much more confident since I made the decision to get the brace and I thought once people can see the brace I no longer need to be ashamed of my teeth!!

I hate my teeth and I have forever. I remember being about 8 years old and going to a disco with a friend, I did not realise it was for the village pageant(?) and for the Queen and Princesses at the fete. I refused point blank to have my photo taken and sat at the edge of the hall. When my friends Mum 'B' picked us up she told me not to worry and she would speak to my Mum. My Mum said there was nothing wrong with me and even told me that she had told B I did not want to be in the parade!!! In fact I did not even realise what the photos were for and the idea of strangers looking at my ugly face and laughing was enough to make me freak out.

Before that I used to refuse to smile with my mouth open since my front teeth first came through. My Mum would tell me I spoilt all the photos because I pulled a silly face!

It was all suppose to come to an end tomorrow and now I have to wait another month!! I have been so looking forward to it. It feels like I have been living in a dark dark place and have been counting down to escaping and now I have to wait another month.

My Mum apologised to me for not taking me as a child. B took me when I was about 13 but the dentist would not refer me without a parent or guardian present. You can get it done free o n the NHS until you are 16 but it is considered cosmetic for adults. It is only this last year that I have had the confidence and ability to even discuss my teeth.

My Mums apology was about the guilt she felt due to it costing me over £3k. It had nothing to do with the fact I have felt ugly, inferior and worthless for 20 years and as my parent and carer she did nothing to help me despite B having tried.

I was just smelly, awkward, moody and stubborn to her. She is staying with me at the moment but I had to leave my own flat to be alone to cry. My sister rang and my Mum told her what happened. My sister asked if I cryed and my Mum told her of course not, I was disappointed but did not cry!

My Mum has no idea who I am and does not know anything about who I am. I cannot forgive her; we have a relationship based on false beliefs. I would not have it out with my Mum now, as I do not feel there is anything to be gained. She will either deny it or be really sad. I do not think I could ever forgive her, I feel like she neglected me!!

I found out a little while ago that my eldest sister had a brace, which makes me even madder at my mother as she did not bother with me.

I could moan forever, but I will post again tomorrow instead!

I also went to the psychiatrist today, he is changing my anti-depressants/ anxiety medication as he feels the social anxiety is still impacting my quality of life as I have to pre plan phone calls and conversations. Also, when talking to people my instinct is to escape. I then sit on my own wishing I had some company :o(. He also said because of my history I will be on medication for some time yet.

I feel really low at the moment! I'm off to bed!! I have my Mum staying until Saturday, I have had enough already and she only came today!

Sunday Night

I am slowly getting back into the routine of things after my holiday. I had a very slow week at work, I just found it really difficult to motivate myself and get back into things. I did a sickie on Friday as I over slept and felt quite down as I had made a big mistake on Thursday and I felt like everyone would be pointing fingers :o(.

I went to the Orthadontist last Wednesday, I will have a brace for between 18 and 21 months. I get the bottom fitted the last week of October and the top in the first week of November. From what he was saying I think I am going to have to get up 10 minutes earlier just to clean my teeth. After 7 months I will also have to have elastics which will need taking out when I eat and changing every day. I thought wearing a brace was going to be a little uncomfortable but I did not realise it was going to be quite so time consumming!

I was suppose to go to a drama group last Friday but I did not go as I had not been to work. I was also hoping to go to the pub today to meet some people from SA - UK but that all fell through because of a lack of interest.

I had my sister and her husband to dinner last Tuesday, they brought their old TV over for me :o). I have set up the surround sound now and it is really good for DVD's. It is a proper size TV, a hundred times better than my old 12 inch portable. I was worried about cooking dinner for them as they are both vegetarian and my brother in law is a particulary fussy eater. Things went well though, I made vegetable lasagne with rocket and parmasan salad followed by home made chocalate mousse. They seemed to enjoy it :o).

I have spent over £100 this weekend and that does not include my usuall food shopping and petrol. I spent £50 on clothes and shoes in the NEXT sale as well as buying a new mobile phone and sending my sister some flowers to say thanks for the TV. The Orthodontist will cost me £3050 and I spent nearly £1000 going to Dubai. I need to seriously cutback on my spending. My instant access savings accunt will be empty by the time I have paid the deposit for my teeth. It will not fill up again either as the monthly payments for my teeth will come out of the money I used to save each month.

I am taking another week off work towards the end of October. I am going to go and spend a few days with my nephew as I have never taken him out on his own before. ( He will be three in November and is adorable) I will also spend some time with my Mum and she will then come back with me for a few days.

Anyway it is 10:40pm and I have work tomorrow. I was so shattered before I went on holiday, I was not much better last week and took a sickie on Friday so I need to have a good productive week this week!

Wish me luck!!!