Saturday, April 28, 2007

Getting on with life....

The date with the very nice guy went well, it was a really pleasant day but I will not be seeing him again. He was a General Practioner (GP) so unfortunately the subject of my illness came up rather sooner than I would have liked. I have always thought that I will not tell people (potential partners) until I have to but nor would I hide it or lie to them.

I was a it blown away by the fact that a doctor would be interested in spending some time with me and getting to know me. He was not all that great though. I expected him to be intelligent but he knew nothing more than learned facts, he did not seem to have an understanding of science, medicine or life. In the cold light of day he was not so great.

I do have several other men lined up :o). I met someone today and spent the afternoon sitting in a pub garden drinking lemonade and then off to a coffee shop. It was a really nice afternoon but there was no chemistry between us. He said he would call me or email me if I would like to meet again. I said that would be nice but I do not think I will followup. He was nice enough though.

I feel like I am in a good place at the moment. I can go out and meet people and enjoy the company. I just hope that one day I will meet someone special.

I had the day off work yesterday. An old university friend came to visit. It was really nice to see her. She got married about two years ago and we have not seen so much of her since. She comes from an Indian family and had an arranged marriage. We thought she was very happy as that is what she had always wanted. She lives with her husbands family and it seems like her mother in law has been giving her a hard time. She enjoys looking after her husband and having a traditional housewife role in her household but her mother in law seems to have been taking the piss and putting her down a lot. Never happy with her and always saying or impling she was not good enough.

She does seem to love her husband though and he arranged some counceulling for her and she has started to regain her own identity and see her friends again. I hope that now she has identified the fact that her mother in law has been putting her down unfairly she will be ok again. I told her she is always welcome to come and stay or visit me. I hope she will be happy now though!!

I told her I understood and that there were people like that in the world and infact my mother is quite like it. Where her mother in law tells her that her make up is not good enough and she let down the family she believed it. It was the same for me. My Mum used to tell me that I spoilt all the photos I was in by not smiling properly. I would not show my teeth as I felt ugly. My Mum reinforced my beliefs by telling me I spoilt photos. My friend had never come across people putting her down before. She was always told how beautiful she was when growing up. Less than two years of being with her mother in law has put her in counselling.

I do not understand how people can be like that, how can they live with themselves after messing with someones head. How dare people put others down because they think they are better than them.

I never have connected with my mother and have never been close to her. Since letting go a little and accepting that she is not always a nice person it has allowed my confidence to grow. I like to think my Mum puts me down due to her own insecurities and anxieties. She claims that she loves me and I believe her. But how can someone be so distant and have such little understanding for their children? I feel very sad that I will never be close to her but I have to keep my distance for my own well being. She does not put me down so much these days but she treats my father like shit. I find it difficult to be in the same room as her :o(. Does that make me an unloving daughter?

My sister is just like her, putting me down and expecting me to live to her 'high' standard of remembering every birthday, easter, anniversary and special ocassion. If I forget she rings me and lays on the guilt trip. How dare she treat me with such little respect. I have changed in the way that I will not take it from her anymore. She has her own problems with her anxieties but I can not live with the burden of her troubles. As much as I love my mother and my sister I do not always like being with them. Since I have loosened the ties and not let them make me feel bad I have been a lot happier myself.

To be fair my mother is much better than she used to be, but I feel she neglected my emotional needs as a child. She always says that all children need is love. I disagree, children do need love, but that is not enough, they need to feel that love every day, they need
to feel accepted for who they are and be given balanced emotional guidance to help them find there way in life. My mother always loved me but I never felt loved!

Although I would like to discuss this with her and reslove it I do not want to make her feel bad. She did and does love me and I think it would devastate her to know how I feel. I would like to be closer to her and the only way that will ever happen is if she could start to understand how I felt growing up. I do not want to hurt her that much.

I wish I could be close to my mother, she loves me but does not know me or understand me. I do not think she has the capacity for that! :o(

Thursday, April 12, 2007

A Date

I went on a date last night, someone I met online. He was attractive intelligent and respectful PLUS he wants to see me again!!!

All the other people I have met over the last year or so I just haven't been able to imagine a future of any kind with. This guy was really nice, I was comfortable with him and enjoyed the evening. It went really quickly.

I am trying not to get too excited or carried away, but even if this man is not the one, it has given me hope that I can be happy in a relationship!!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I'm Back!!!!!!!!

I am finally back, after a long long time. First my PC went wrong and then I cancelled my broad band and then I got my PC back but could not get online. I have just finished installing all the new software and I now have both the broad band and the PC at the same time!!!!

Getting my new phone line and broadband service installed this morning led to my first panic attack for ages as I shut my finger in the front door while seeing the engineer out!

The thing is I felt the door closing and I was trying to hide my pain as I saw the guy out. By the time he had gone (which was only a second but felt like an hour) my nail got a big black patch of trapped blood. I don not know whether it is more concerning that my instinct is stronger to avoid embarisment than injury or whether I had a panic attack. :o)

I'm ok again now though although my finger is very sore!!