Thursday, June 29, 2006

Interdepartmental Football Game

I played a game of interdepartmental football at lunch time today. I was really really anxious as I have never really kicked a ball before and I am not exactly fit.

I arrived at the side of the pitch alone as all the men were still getting changed. I sat down and started watching the game that was on before ours.

When the rest of them team came over the automatic negative thoughts started going - 'Why am I here, I am going to mess things up for them, they don't want me to play, I am not apart of their team, they think I am just a nuisance cos they will have to let me play as I am here etc etc etc

Anyway I shrunk, I slouched, and avoided eye contact and did not speak. The effect was they all went off and had a kick around without inviting me. I thought about going to join in but they were kicking the ball really hard and I just convinced myself it was true that I am crap (fact) and they are all really good (fact) and I was going to let the team down (illusion from negative thoughts), they really don't want me (illusion from negative thought)

Anyway as nervous as I was and as hunched up as I was when they came back over I stood up. At first I did not change my posture but just stood rather than sat. A small step I felt I could do. Someone then talked to me and said 'are you ready', I told the truth 'Not really I am worried about doing the wrong thing' everyone then turned to me and started giving me tips. I had not joined in but I was not being ignored. I was told not to touch the ball with my hands several times but was allowed to kick it!

When the other match finished they moved to the pitch to practice. I hung back as I did not feel included but rather than staying out the way and invisible I followed then over (keeping my distance of course ) but just watching them. Sure this felt a little uncomfortable but when they started kicking the ball to me, and even did it gently for me, I was a bit panicky, but I passed the ball back, not very straight but it didn't matter, everyone was really nice.

I am not very fit so I only played 5mins in each half but I touched the ball twice, the first intercepted it and gained possession for the team and the second time I tackled the person I was marking. I also got in the way of the person I was marking loads and prevented goals. I really enjoyed it.

The men said I was OK which I took as a compliment from them and in the changing room the other women said I had a really good touch to the ball and said I should start practising with the womens team on a Tuesday night. This is from people I had only just met on the pitch, they had know idea how anxious I was, This is something I have wanted to do for ages but was just too anxious that I would be crap and just annoy everyone.

So in short I went from invisible and thinking everyone hated me to there being a possibility of playing every tuesday night, Something I have envyed my work colleagues doing each week. When they go off I am always so jealous I could not join in!! This is still going to be hard but if the next match goes ok I might ask someone a bit more about what they do on Tuesdays.

The hardest part was standing up when all those negative thoughts were going through my head. The more these things happen the more I know you just have to be brave and take the first step. I always find the first step the hardest.

We lost 6 nil!

Friday, June 16, 2006

My new neice

I met my new neice, she is gorgeus, she was asleep for the whole hour and a half I was there but I watched her the whole time and she made little sounds and every 10 minutes or so she kicked her legs. She is beautiful.

It sounds like her Mum went through a really rough time with the c section and stuff, at least she is out of hospital now though and everyone is ok!

I have had a really busy day at work, I am taking next week as holiday. I have planned to spend the week at the seaside. I had so much to do before I could leave work and I have left a long list of high priority stuff for my boss and my colleague to do.

I had my mid year review this morning. The work I have done has been fine and my boss is really pleased with how much I have developed. I feel like I have always been capable but the anxiety held me back and prevented me getting any opportunities to show people I could do the job. Therefore I do not think of this as a big achievement. Yes I am happier and thrilled to be doing the type of job I went to university to do but all the over playing things just makes me remember how crapthings have been in the past. He seriously over did the ego massaging though. He has been very sweet in the support he has given me but I was really uncomfortable for the whole hour and he really dragged things out. He was doing it because he was trying so hard to make it a positive experiance for me.

I have a busy weekend this week, I have a packed agenda which should do me some good. stop me feeling sorry fo myself. I go away on Monday.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I feel low and sick and shit!!!

I have had a few crap days where I have been lost in unrealistic fantsies. I even pretended the person was with me to talk to, I kept telling myself to stop but I felt loved and happy, emotionally fullfilled. I convinced myself that someone loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their life with me and have children, I convinced myself they loved me. What a fuckin idiot! What goes up must come down! Crashing down!

I now feel numb, stupid and sick because I have been comfort eating and have ate far to much junk. As if I am not fat enough already! Why is life so shit!!! Why didn't I stop myself!

I don't think I will ever meet a nice man who understands me and who is attractive and has half a brain cell between their ears, not ancient and not immature!

AGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate myself and I feel SHIT!!!! Why is life so crap?

PS. Have not met my new neice yet, her Mummy is still feeling very rough! Hopefully tomorrow butI think I might just hold her and cry and cry right now!

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

I am an honarary Aunty

Yesterday morning a beautiful little girl called Livia was born by c section at 7.30 am, she weighed 7lb 9oz. Livia is doing very well but mother very uncomfortable. If my friend is feeling better tomorrow I will meet Livia tomorrow evening :o). I have a video clip of her just a few hours old and she is adorable.

I have just had a good cry as I want to be loved and I want a baby.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Still no baby news...

My friend has had her waters broken and been fed a load of hormones last night. Lunch time today there was still nothing happening! I am waiting for the phone to ring!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

A nice weekend

I have had a really nice weekend, I have been on my own for most of it but I am starting to appreciate time to myself and this weekend I decided to just do what I would do if I had the perfect company with someone who likes doing exactly what I do. I have to break the socialisolation I have found myself in some how and I have decided getting out of the flat is a good start. Life is not worth living without the company of others.

Yesterday I went to a few banks/ building societies to see how much I could borrow to buy a house. I can borrow more than I thought I could, I have searched a few websites but places with gardens are very limited in Reading with my budget. I do seem to have a choice flats /apartments that are not studio apartments though!

I also went to a pub on my own to watch an the opening England Game (Come on England!!!) Yesterday I also met my best friend at the pub, she had experianced contractions all Friday Night but they stopped again (She is now 42 weeks pregnant). She went in to hospital tonight to be induced, I am waiting to hear something!!

Today I went to the park near my house, I intended to just sit and read but the insects got on my nerves. I went and sat in the pub garden (the pub is in the middle of the park) I sat there had a glass of wine and started Reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. I even ordered myself some food! I have managed to get a little sun burnt on the back of my neck but I can live with that.

I went Salsa dancing tonight, it was only my second time. I really enjoyed it. I am a little over weight though and I have suddenly become motivated to join weight watchers again!

I am yawning, I must get to bed or I will never wake up in the morning for work. I have become addicted to the Social Anxiety UK discusion board. If you are visit my blogg from that site please leave me a comment and say hello!

Friday, June 09, 2006

Blogging is back :o)

Blogging is finally back, I have really missed it!

I have had quite a good week, I have worked sensible hours and got a lot done, I have also managed to stick to a routine. I have even been to yoga twice this week and tonight I even went shopping and cooked proper healthy(ish) meal. I had chicken Fajita's!

The weather here has been lovely with warm sun and long light evenings. It does not get dark until about 10pm this time of year. If the weather lasts over the weekend I intend to go to the park and read my book.

I am going to post some thoughts I wrote while I was quite sick last year, I was panicking for days before my best friend realised how sick I was and took me to my parents. I wrote several notebooks in the space of three days it was a release for my panic. Before I bought the notebooks I was typing and I found the documents earlier this week. I have not shared them with anyone before.

A Saturday in July 2005

Anxiety was at it's worse and this was written a little while before I became psychotic and was hospitalised. Not sure how long before as my memory is quite patchy during this period.

This was written 2 days after I called my boss and told him I was going to kill myself. He called the emergency Services.

I have edited only to remove peoples names ( just incase anyone I know ever finds this site)

I don’t know what the date is, and I cannot think long enough to work it out or even think where to find out. I am so mixed up and confused. I do not know whether this is because I have a mental illness or whether I have just worked myself up into a state over nothing. Either way my head is screwed up or I need some serious help.

A few days ago I wanted to take my own life. I think I would have done if I could find razor blades (I noticed 50p at the chemist) enough drugs. Paracetamol 50p-60p from work coffee shop, sainsburys on the way home, BP garage opposite sainsburys, Texaco by Traffic lights and co-op just up the road. The route home from work is planned I could do it!!!

Why didn’t I? A part of me still thinks it might have been better but there is something inside me that’s says somewhere someone might be able to help me. I was desperate I got up in the morning and just cried and cried and cried. I could no longer move or do anything. I could feel myself rocking and images of hospitals all washed out and white and extremely scary came into my head. That just made me panic more. But then I would realise and stop myself. But then I would say hang on I can stop I cannot be ill. I have a choice? Then I would find myself rocking somewhere else. It was really strange, I could stop but then again there was something quite soothing in the rocking. Did I really want to stop? But then again that image of the hospital would come back.

My best friend came around so I had to stop typing earlier but she has gone now, we had a good afternoon. I think I have scared her and her husband wanted me to go and stay with them but I need to sort myself out. I guess that is how single life is? My friend helped me tidy up and the Social Worker came around!!

The session with social worker was really awful. I think I might eventually get some help but I might have used a bit of emotional blackmail. I was really down on the GP’s and I know they are just over worked, I am still wondering why I have a social worker and not a mental health professional but I guess he might be able to get me some help. He sounded hopeful. I think I may have offended him in discussing going privately. Why have I been referred to a CRISIS support team, the doctor said reactive depression but I want to know why it keeps coming back and longer term prevention. I really don’t know but I want to discuss the long term issues not the immediate CRISIS. I don’t even miss my ex anymore, I am sure I have gone whole days without thinking about him!! The last thing I want is all that dragged up again.

I spoke to the social worker about Bipolar Disorder, I am so scared, I have asked to see a psychiatrist. He said he would contact me on Monday and try to get me in asap. He did try to talk me out of it first. I felt my feelings were dismissed and he was just telling me to pull my socks up. I’m glad my friend was there, she thinks he was just trying to calm me down and if I am going to trust him my friend’s story makes more sense. I feel so vulnerable, was he taking the piss or calming me down? The latter is probably more likely but without my friend there how would I have known that, how could I have known.

My friend and I have sent away for details about joining a voluntary national trust conservation group. There were loads of photos on the website that looked like they had a good social life :o). My friend needs to get out more and I need to meet new people. I don’t think I want a long term relationship but if I was to meet someone nice I would not complain. It is kind of nice typing rather than sleeping it slows my mind down a bit. I have to find they keys :o). I reckon I have an anxiety disorder now rather than bipolar.

I could not learn to swim at school I kept sinking and I reckon it was because I was so tense, now I love floating, as it is so relaxing. I must take my swimsuit tomorrow when I go to the gym. I am not sure I am even depressed right now, I don’t want to take my medication as the idiot that came with the social worker said it was quite a high dose. I would if I thought I was depressed. My friend is really concerned I am not taking it. I would calm her down if I took it but then again I don’t feel depressed and that was her diagnosis, I think the tablets are prescribed for anxiety too but that would be like self-diagnosis and everyone says how dangerous that can be. Both the social worker and my friend said I had a rational reason for not taking the tablets but there advice is still to take it. If I do have Bipolar and I do not listen to advise that would be really daft. I so want a firm diagnosis that makes sense because it will really influence the way I deal with this.

I just don’t know what thought to type first, what if I forget some thing important as something else jumps into my mind. How are they going to help me if I do not get everything down? What if they do not think anything is wrong with me because I miss something important. Should I give this to my friend to read she would be able to tell me if I was dolayly. I can’t type quickly enough, I am tired though but I do not think I would be able to sleep. It is 11:30pm.

Dad just logged onto MSN messenger, I spoke to him but I still have not told him I am off sick. I just can’t stand the worried silences and the concern. He didn’t ask; it is Mum and my sister who will start asking questions. They think I hate them but they just do not understand. They still think I am going to go away travelling around the world but I do not think I want to go, not if I am going to get some help here, I don’t even know if I will get help though, I want long term help but then again I do not want to waste anyone’s time. It might be the case that no one can help me though, I am sure the social worker said at the end of the day I just have to help myself. What if there is nothing wrong with me and I just have to keep going, everyone will think I am attention seeking. Work was so crap they probably think I am skiving anyway. I SO SO SO don’t want to loose my job. I hope they do not make me take the career break if I do get some help.

I am just going to say about Thursday, as I have not really been able to tell anyone and writing is so much better. Why can’t I say I am just going to say about Thursday, people say I do not need to justify but I just can’t make a decision without, what if I get it wrong or someone thinks I am stupid. Anyway Thursday, I wanted to kill myself and I was thinking really hard to find a way but I couldn’t. I do think I would have taken the tablets if I thought there had been enough, I just could not think of a way. I was going to take them anyway but I was worried there would not be enough to knock me unconscious. I was going to go to the shop get some more, a knife from downstairs I don’t know. I know I did not want to die, I was really going to hurt myself though, but that is attention seeking and everyone hates attention seekers. I have interrupted meetings with stupid excuse questions as things have worried me, but were they just really stupid things, or did I really need them, did I just want attention? I don’t know? But I was not in control. I just did things out of desperation only to regret them moments later and feel even worse. My mind has wondered again I may have been thinking about this, I can’t really remember what I was panicking about.

I went to the doctors but there were no appointments until 3:10 and I had to push to get that one. They would not let me wait for 5 hours although I would have quite happily done so as not to be on my own. I decided I would drive to work late, on the way I heard about the explosions in London, I pictured everyone standing around concerned and talking. I came home again but I was worrying that someone would have seen me and said I was around and well enough to get there and did not go in. I would be fired. I came home and watched the news for a couple of hours, I started worrying about friends who work in London, if I sent them text messages I would worry they were trying to get through to family and more important friends but if I didn’t they would think I was uncaring and too wrapped up in my own troubles.

I want to put everything down but I am too tired. It is 1.43am. I am not sure if I want to avoid turning the light out or (I have forgotten the sentence I am starting to nod off) a micro sleep? Is that self diagnosis your hate me for that. I think I have anxiety disorder, it seems to fit, I don’t think I am depressed as I want to do this and write more but when I was depressed I just wanted to sleep all the time. I have been typing this for 3 hours. There is still so much to say and if I stop typing I might miss something.

I never did talk about Thursday, I want to say about Bipolar symptoms, feeling angry with system and loads more. I don’t think I can stay awake much longer but I won’t remember everything that I wanted to say. I have done this before stayed up this late with work and stuff. In the morning this will seem crap. With work one day last week I was typing some feedback for my supervisor. It took me until 1.30 am to do it. I knew I had got it better earlier in the evening and could not get it right again. I went to bed as I had to get up the next morning for work, I overslept, I was late for and I deleted the stuff I put in the email I had been writing as I decided it was better to talk to the person directly.

It is 1am now, I am so tired I am just going to list the other stuff I wanted to put down
1. I think I have Anxiety disorder
2. I can’t carry on like this, I will loose my job, I stare at the screen and go over and over things without making any progress
3. I love my job
4. I want some help knowing what are real concerns and what things are stupid
5. My friend is helping as a sounding board but I do not want to rely on her forever
6. I wanted to mention my boss and contact with work
7. Why I though I had Bipolar, I was just as sure about that as I now am about anxiety
8. If I mention anxiety to the social worker after having now mentioned bipolar he will really think I have gone mad on the internet diagnosis which he warned me about
9. How am I expected to just sit and wait a couple of weeks with all this in my head
10. How angry I am that I have not been able to get help-
11. How worried I am that I may have isolated family but how scared I am to call them
12. It is 1:10 am I think I might be typing crap!!
13. What if all this is just dismissed and I am told to turn the lights out earlier and stop messing around.
14. I have forgotten the next point.
15. I forgot to get ready for bed before I started, I was going to have a bath and try to stick to the bedtime routine I established over the past few days since I first spoke to the social worker
16. I have drank over a litre of water today plus some other drinks
17. I have bad pins and needles I have been sitting on my foot too long
18. I had something important and I have forgotten it again.
19. It is 1:14
20. I am going to get ready for bed and then continue
21. I have cleaned my teeth, still have make up to do and get changed
22. I did remember the other thing but have forgotten it again
23. Maybe I have a personality disorder and I am getting carried away with the anxiety
24. I must look that up
25. ok 1:19 must get ready for bed
26. got other thing
27. Not sure if to meet my boss and discuss Friday and whether I should share this with him. I frightened him on Thursday. I emailed him on Friday and he did not return my email, maybe he is avoiding me but he was working from home and I did not send it until later in the day
28. There are typos and spelling mistakes everywhere should I correct them or keep them.
29. I can not make decisions
30. I am typing crap I am going to go to bed, but I do not feel in control.
31. I wanted to put the mess my life is in and how much stuff I need to sort out, career break, travelling, handed notice in on accommodation, parents arranging going away party and have sent invites to everyone, I don’t wanna go.
32. ok 1:24 must finish getting ready for bed.

Right it is 1:30 and my mind is going numb but I will leave my laptop on incase I think of anything important.

I have just read this through maybe I am hypomanic. I was going to put maybe I am a genius and therefore have mania as I can’t be because everyone hates me. I bet I delete this sentence!!!


1:38 am
I just had a game of pinball. And started thinking more really scary thoughts, I started thinking about what I could put in the morning when I read this crap, I tried to justify it, I started to think of sentences in my head but then what if I put what sounds good rather than what I feel at the time. I could mess everything up.
I forgot to say why I do not want to take my tablets, what if it hides the real symptoms. I read the label earlier tonight, can’t remember why, it said they can treat anxiety along side depression but nothing about anxiety alone? What if I get stuff wrong people will hate me, I have said people will hate me before. I have thought that in the past maybe I am trying to manipulate my thoughts, how do I know what thoughts are real and what aren’t. I had to change that sentence it said what is real and not rather than thoughts, they might think I have schizophrenia.

People say a little bit of knowledge can be dangerous what if I am told I can not work at XXXXX cos I get exposed to Neuroscience information. I said I wanted to share this information with my boss, what if I share it and the company takes advantage of me to promote a product. What if I am advised to avoid stress and not go back, I love it there. I don’t think they would take advantage they have been really good to me so far. What if this gets into the press and get the company gets in trouble.

God, it is 1:53 am I am knackered and going to sleep, I am going to turn my phone off but my worse nightmare would be my Mum trying to call, can not get through and comes rushing down here. There is nothing she can do anyway.

I’m tired; I am going to the gym with my friend tomorrow. If I am not up with my phone on she will worry. I think my friend is different from my sister as I can just be with my friend and not do anything, she will not tell me what to do even when I want her to :o)

1:57am Goodnight, I will set my alarm to make sure I am up when my friend calls

A Sunday in July 2005

It is Sunday morning. It took me at least 30mins to get to sleep last night. I kept worrying. Wanted to put more stuff down but resisted. Don’t know whether that is good or bad. I still feel tired. It is 9:30 am, legs just shaking. I feel very tense and shaky. I am meeting my friend in an hour and a half so going to get up.

Should I take the tablet??? Logically I do not think I should take the tablet as I am not depressed, I wanna get up, I can’t keep still. I could lie and not take it. They did make me feel better last time.

It is 10:20; I am showered and dressed in my Gym kit. It has taken 40mins, I have been pacing most of the time I used to be able to get up and dressed in less than 15mins. I am still shaking and my legs are twitching. I can stop it but it is kind of more comfortable to let it happen. My head starts racing if I stop. I am going down for breakfast. Once I made that decision my leg just stopped and does not want to shake further. I am now worried there is nothing wrong, I feel a bit calmer and have just stopped. I feel sadder. That must make me really sick and actually want to be ill!! :o), I just feel numb and have a blank mind now. I will go down for breakfast while I am not shaking. I don’t know whether to take the tablet!

I have had my breakfast; I had two slices of toast and marmalade, a glass of fruit juice and a banana. I looked at the yakult in the fridge but forgot to have it.

I have just been thinking about what I was like as a child, stuff that might help the psychiatrist. A quick list as I am going out, I was always the weird one in the class, always called names, every school report said I lacked confidence, everyone called me shy although my friends disagree and I agree with my friends. I have been told I am the quietest person people have ever met although not in the last few years. As a younger child I was in trouble a lot for day dreaming and often sent out of the room as I could not sit on the chair for very long. Maybe I have ADHD?? I am going to stop trying to diagnose my self as I do not think it is very good for me!! I did not speak to the teacher when I first started school. I was too shy but I think I have grown out of it many many many years ago (ie. secondary school). My Mum still tells everyone I am shy.

Anyway; 10:45 must call my Friend. She is not ready for the gym so I have a bit longer. My mind has gone blank again. I am not going to take the tablets as I am not depressed, I have been depressed before and this is not the same!!

My friend is worried because a few years ago in the pub I went into the toilets and could not stop crying. The doctor had prescribed me antidepressants a little while before and I would not take them as I did not feel depressed. After that night I felt awful and I think I started taking them again. They do seem to give me a boost but depression is not the cause. I am getting a natural boost and extra hope from the support I am receiving from the social worker and my friend anyway. I do think there is something wrong with me though!! I do not seem to belike other people and do not feel I belong.

Right, I am going to pack my swimming gear and spend a few hours at the gym. I quite like writing this though it gives me a chance to get things off my chest.

I have just read yesterdays document, it all sounds quite normal does that mean there is nothing wrong with me and there is no help out there??? That has to be the worse thing as it means I have just been attention seeking. I would just have been wasting people’s time and a burden to others. But does that mean I want something to be wrong with me. Now that is sick!! I am going to be late to meet my friend and I still have not got my swimming stuff together.

I want to get everything off my chest but I should go and get exercise as otherwise I will be told to pull my life together. :o(

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Technical Difficulties

I am missing blogging terribly, it has become my daily therapy and company in the evenings.

This is so slow and I have lost several posts, I will try again tomorrow :o(

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Back to Work

Work was good today, I was productive and I enjoyed it.

My boss said some really nice things to me this afternoon about how far I have come in the last 6 months compared to how I used to be. He said that hehas received a lot of good feedback about how different I am now to how I was 18months ago. He said he loves working with me and I am one of the bravest people he knows. He said he was looking forward to my performance review next week. I could not ask for more support but I still did not tell him that I was not at work yesterday because I could not get up!

I explained to him how I find a good review at least as stressful as a bad one and he promised to keep that in mind next week. I find it stressful, the better I am doing the higher the expectations on me are and the more I have to loose if it all goes wrong again.

I went to the gym on the way home, I spent 20mins on the exercise bike and then did a yoga class. I felt energised afterwards. I went to Mc D's for tea.

I am going to read Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.

Monday, June 05, 2006

A day off work....

I have not gone to work today, I went to bed about 10pm and set my alarm for 6am. I pressed snooze a few times, but the next thing I knew it was 8.15. I got up and cleaned my teeth and washed myface but I felt a bit odd and all I wanted to dowas collapse on my bed. I rang in sick and went back to bed. I have just woken up at 1pm. I have slept for 15 hours that can not be normal!!

I feel quite well now though, I find a good nights sleep fixes many problems, I'd like to go to work this afternoon but I think it would lead to suspicion of why I was off. You can not exactly put over tired on your sick form (is this an illness), I do not want to put bipolar as it makes it seem like I am not coping with work. Has anyone got any suggestions?

I wish I felt I could go in this afternoon as I love work and I have a lot to do! I stayed up late for me (10pm) last night as I was getting stuff ready for work. I don't think I have done anything wrong by taking the day off but I do worry about it! Has anyone got any similar experiance of needing to take an odd day off work?

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Sunday Night....

The weekend has been ok, I still feel a little low or possibly just normal, I don't think I know what normal really feels like. I don't want to die and my mind is not racing so I guess I am good. All I want to do is sleep though!

I went up to my parents for the weekend, an old uni friend stopped by to see me yesterday morning and after she left I took the 2 hour drive north to my parents. I felt quite ill on the way up and had to pull over. i had a slight headache (probably due to not sleeping well) but I got anxious about passing out while I was driving. I know it was anxiety making me feel worse as I was staying in the slow lane incase I wanted to pull over, when I hit some raod works and the hard shoulder disapeared I started hyperventilating. I was worried incase I had to stop and someone else would stop to see if I was ok, or the police would notice on a survelance camera. I felt really ill. I pulled over at the services, took a pain killer for my head ache and had a rest. I felt really weird when I got out the car but I felt much better after a drink of water and a pain killer.

I spent yesterday afternoon playing with my nephew and had dinner there last night. Today I slept in and then went out for lunch with my parents.

I am going on holiday with my parents and my nephew in 2 weeks. My friend could not get the timeoff work to go to New York so we ave put that off until September.

With the summer evenings being so long it is really easy to loose track of time and stay up too late!!

Friday, June 02, 2006

Bubble Burst!

It has been another busy week, I have been productive at work and things are still going well, I have been feeling like a normal happy person. I don't ever remember being so content.

I think spliting up with my ex was the best thing that ever happened to me. It used to hide behind him in social situations as he made me feel safe. The only problem was I did not do anything on my own - on the rare occasions that I wanted to he would stop me by not approving of my chosen activity.

Leaving him has made me face up to my problems - ok things came to a nasty crash but I got through it and the outcome was I am getting some much needed help.

The interdepartmental football team is going ahead, I am still really looking forward to it! We have even ordered football shirts.

I am going to stay with my sister and my nephew in the morning. Ihave not talked about my nephew much on here, he is two and a half years old and he is a lot of fun. I feel very protective of him - he is gorgous!! I am starting to feel a bit tired, I have not seen my nephew for about 6 weeks though and he changes so quickly at the moment.

I am addicted to blogging and chat rooms at the moment - I came straight home from work and log in every day. It probably isn't healthly but it is less like comming home to an empty house - I really don't like living on my own and blogging make me feel less lonely! I got quite stressed when I got home and could not login.

I suddenly feel quite low, I am going to go and make some dinner and go to bed, I have had an on top of the world week but the bubble has burst!


I don't want my psychiatrist to increase my medication further, I hate being on the pills and they make me sleep a lot. I do seem to be a lot better taking them later in the evening though, I just struggle getting up. The last few days I don't think I have slept as much. Normally I sleep about 10 hours a night but the last few nights I have woken up naturally after 7 hours. I felt really well though!

I guess I was a bit high - but oh well I had fun, I have BP II so I do not need to worry about getting too manic and I have not spent any money. I spent a few thousand pounds on nothing last year so I now have my savings in accounts where I need to give notice to get it out. I am going to go to bed early and hope things seem better in the morning - I have felt worse.