Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Help on the NHS

My only contact with a mental health professional these past 5 years has been my psychiatrist who I see through my private health insurance.  The problem is my health insurance is paid through work and as I am changing job it will end soon. 

I went to see my GP this morning about how I get support when my insurance runs out.  First of all she said I did not need any further support because I am considered stable.  I was so scared about falling out of the system and not being able to get support when I needed it she referred me to the community mental health team.  I cried a bit first.

I am dreading them contacting me, my experiance with them in the past has not been positive.  They are generally not interested in how you are unless you are self harming or threatening suicide. If you are not it was call this number if you change your mind.  No wonder people attempt to take their own lives or self harm to get attention.  I promised myself I would never do that but I can climb the walls quite easily and felt so bad I have tried to self harm.  I don't want to get that bad again but I am worried there will not be any support from the NHS until things get that bad.

I am loosing a really good support network along with my job and I need something in place to make sure I do not get that desperate.  I need someone to talk to me, someone seperate from my everyday life who can just help me monitor my mood.  I like to have an appointment in my diary and when things get bad I often feel I am just hanging on until the next appointment when I can get help without asking for it.

I'm really scared about falling out of the system again and not having any help there when I need it :'-(.  I will see what the mental health team can offer but I am very sceptical.  I am thinking I will probably pay to continue seeing my psychiatrist.  I don't believe there is no support for maintenance of bipolar disorder on the NHS!!! 

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

I have got a new job !~#{!¬`|\!"£$%^&**(()<@!

After about two years of being miserable at work I have finally found the courage to move on.  I will be leaving a job which for the first seven years I loved.  It is quite scary but I am convinced I am doing the right thing.

On the morning of the interview for my new job I was feeling extremely low and did not want to get out of bed.  I forced myself as I had been head hunted by a former colleague and I did not want to let him down.  I am so glad I made the effort. I am comfortable with the decision I have made this time and I have no nagging doubts.

I have handed in my notice and since I have done so I feel lighter and happier.  I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I am now working my notice. My last day will be 24 December.  On New years eve I leave on holiday for three weeks and on my return I start a new job.

The only downside is I am likely to have to find a new psychiatrist.  At the moment I see my psychiatrist privately through insurance provided by my current company.  Although my new contract includes private medical care it will not cover psychiatric care for any condition lasting more than two years.  I will have to try the NHS.

I don't want to be ill in my new job!!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

When I fell in love, it should have been forever, as I’ll never fall in love again.

I am on a flight on the way home from a business trip. I get very lonely on business trips as my colleagues all have family they miss, they ring their husbands, wives and children.  They all look forward to going home where I relish their company and wish I could spend more time working with other people.

I contacted my ex at the airport, for the first time in years.  I have missed him a lot recently.  Despite it being more than five years since we went our separate ways I still have not felt close to anyone else.  I have dated a few people (in fact I have a date on Friday) but I have never felt so close and so relaxed with anyone else.  The closeness I felt through my sexual relationship with him has never been rivalled.  He was my first love and I doubt I will ever feel the same way again.  I have given up hoping.

I have often heard people say that when a man wants sex, his desire is driven by the need to spread his genes far and wide.  When a woman wants sex, she looks for a man who will protect her and her children for life.  It seems so obvious when you write it down but I had never thought about it so clearly before.  My ex was socially competent, he protected me in social situations, I could go along with him and I knew that because he was so popular and perfect (in my eyes) I would always be accepted.

I am going to see Harry Potter on Friday for a sort of date.  I am going with a nice man but I am not attracted to him.  I wish I was as I do not want to be on my own anymore.
Yesterday I was walking along the beach as it was getting dark. For a while I thought I was just going to keep walking and never return. I wanted to just walk across Europe, living a simple life on the streets.  Alternatively, I thought of just walking out into the sea and drowning.  These thoughts were so much less disturbing than the thought of continuing life within my torturous mind.

I am thinking of stopping the aripiprazole again.  This time I will discuss it with my psychiatrist and maybe think about going back on a low dose of quetiapine instead.  I still do not feel myself, my brain is not functioning how it use to.  I phase out as people talk to me I cannot remember the beginning of the sentence as they reach the end.  They are just all words which mean nothing, I feel vacant and detached from others.  This does not help my loneliness.

I just want to be one of the crowd; nothing special, nothing extraordinary, just a part of a group of friends who I can feel comfortable with and who I can relate to.  Is this too much to ask?

I visited a cathedral today. I was looking to feel wanted and loved.  It worked for a while and I am feeling better than I did yesterday.  I started praying that I would die soon. I want God to take me rather than someone else who had something to live for.  In the end I felt better, a little more wanted and again came back to the realisation that only I can help myself.
I cannot imagine a future alone and I cannot imagine a future with another.
I wonder as I sit on this flight across Europe, would those people sitting in front of me, the man next to me or those behind care or try to help if they knew how I felt and what I was typing!  How can I reach out to the kind people around me?

I long to be free; free from the inner voice which criticises every move!  

“you smell, you have hairy armpits and hairy legs, your hair is a mess, you are incompetent at your job, you put other out, you are fat, unfit, incompetent, everyone thinks you are stupid, people laugh at you and hate you, you are ugly, you are a waste of space, you are a couch potato, you live in a mess, you should cancel going out on Saturday night to make space for someone who others want to see, you are selfish, mean inconsiderate and get on everyone’s nerves, you are a waste of space and the world would be a better place without you.  Go on kill yourself, you are a burden of your parents and your sisters think you are a recluse, what is the point”

How can I get out of this mess?  I want life to return to the days before things went wrong with my ex.  He could not cope with my clinginess and depression.  When Ithought he loved me I never felt things were so bad.  I believed no matter what the rest of the world thought of me I would always have him.  Then he left me with no discussion, no hints and no time to get use to the idea.  

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

What if...

I am meeting someone this afternoon to discuss the possibility of a new job.  I am so fed up and really need the change.  My job has changed so much now that I no longer enjoy it.  I want something new and exciting in the hope I will once again feel some motivation for life.  I keep wondering, what if....  what if I took that other job,  what if I did not have recurring depression, what if I was not so socially anxious, what if I had a different up bringing.  Something has to change soon.

I have been thinking about death quite a lot recently.  I keep watching other people with families.  I go home each night and sit and watch TV or play computer games.  This is not the life I want but I know no way out.  It is not I do not want to live, it is more I do not want to live this life.  I have tried making certain changes but so far nothing has helped.  I am so very lonely.  I am not going to kill myself, I could not do that, I just wish I had a button to press which would totally obliterate my life.  Just make it so I was never born, then no one could miss me and no one would hurt.  It would not start a cluster of suicides or have an adverse impact on those staying behind.

I am crossing my fingers about this job I am going to see about this afternoon.  It is closer to home so would cut two hours off my working day each day!!  At the moment I have a very long commute.  If I get the job, maybe I could start at the gym again, loose some weight (I have put nearly a stone on this year).  Maybe then my energy will return??

I am very tired all the time, I feel misserable and blue.  The slightest thing makes me feel anxious and stressed.  I have felt like this for so long now, I need to feel 'normal' for a little while.  Everthing feels so stressful I just need a break.  I am going back to see the psychiatrist in two weeks.  I never seem to be out of his office at the moment.  I just want to feel better.

Hey, I have two job interviews lined up, I feel a bit better already.  I really need tochange my job, I think that is my problem at the moment!

Thursday, October 21, 2010


My current life is like sh*t, I just want to flush it down the toilet.  I am holding out for my hoidays in January.  I will use this time to reflect and decide what I really want from life and work out how to change.  Change is going to be so hard but I think no change will be even harder.

I keep thinking what if I took that job...? Would things have been any better...?  Is this just a tough phase which will pass or have the good times been and gone?

The fact is I am fed up with this stage of my life and ready to move on to the next.  I have no one to move on with tho', everyone else is already there.

I have a caffiene problem, I have a dependence on it.  I guess it is a lot better than illegal drugs or alcohol but the mood crashes and headaches are awful.

Maybe I will try and give up diet coke, I have said this a few times but I get so low and it really picks me up for a couple of hours.  It is only temporary tho' and I crash again in the evenings.  I use the coke to get me through the day at work.

I also eat far too much and I am rapidly putting on weight!


Tuesday, October 05, 2010

The dog and the bone...

A Dog, to whom the butcher had thrown a bone, was hurrying home with his prize as fast as he could go. As he crossed a narrow footbridge, he happened to look down and saw himself reflected in the quiet water as if in a mirror. But the greedy Dog thought he saw a real Dog carrying a bone much bigger than his own.
If he had stopped to think he would have known better. But instead of thinking, he dropped his bone and sprang at the Dog in the river, only to find himself swimming for dear life to reach the shore. At last he managed to scramble out, and as he stood sadly thinking about the good bone he had lost, he realized what a stupid Dog he had been.

If I am offered a new job tomorrow should I take it.  I feel miserable and isolated working for a large corporate company, I had an interview last Friday which went very well and I will hear tomorrow whether I got it or not!  The company is much smaller, the job has a probation period and it will be a lot of work I have not done before.  However the people are more my age and more outgoing which would help socialise.  Decisions decisions...

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Bipolar disorder 'not to blame for violent behaviour'

People with a severe mental illness are no more likely to be violent than anyone else - unless they abuse drugs or alcohol, a study has suggested.

read the full story here

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Despite having been awakesince 3am this morning, it is now 11:30pm and I cannot sleep.
I stayed in bed for an hour and have decided toget up again. I am starting to yawn but still don't feel like I could sleep.

yeee haaa!

I've been awake since 3am and got laods of work done. I think my mood is finally turning! I hope it lasts.

I know it's not a very sensible thing to get up at 3am and this maybe the start of a hypo period, but who cares!!! I feel better!!! That is the important thing as the depression was getting me down!!!

I'll tell my psychiatrist tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

a better day

I had a better day today. I went to work, I got a little work done. My appointment with the psychiatrist is on Thursday. i am also getting my haircut on Thursday, that usually cheers me up :o)

Work is very difficult at the moment and I am struggling to cope. I do not know if I am struggling because I am a little bit depressed or I am a little bit depressed because I am struggling. WHO KNOWS!!!!

A part of me wants to start job hunting but I also want to make certain I have given everything tomy current job. I would be giving up a good pension, a good income, my private health care and lots of security. But nothing is worth getting depressed about!

Monday, September 06, 2010


Nothing seems to motivate me at the moment. I have lost interest in my career, I am just not enjoying it anymore. I have lost interest in my flat, my cat and everything really. I am half thinking of stopping my medication again, just so I can feel something. I have not seen anyone else all weekend and I called in sick this morning. This means I have not had a conversation with anyone for three days!

I cannot remember when my next appointmet with my psychiatrist is. Who cares anyway :o(. Things are falling apart in my flat and I cannot face getting them fixed. I have bills to pay and I cannot find my cheque book.

I still blame the aripiprazole! I want to stop taking those horrible bl;ue tablets that often give me heart burn!

I am watching films and eating too muchin the hope it will distract me.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Feeling Better Again...

I'm feeling much more stable at the moment. I stopped taking the aripiprazole for a while and after a while I stoppedthe sertraline too. I am not sure why i did it. The best explanation I can think of is I was frightened of the little blue tablets. They caused me to have some unpleasant side effects and I felt my concentration was very poor. I blamed the tablets for me getting behind at work.

Anyway about 6 weeks later I went to the US for work. When I got back I sleptfor nearly a week. I went to see my psychiatrist to tell him I had stopped taking the tablets and heconvincedme to go back on a reduced dose. He assureed me the sideeffects were due to an interaction between aripirazole and quetiapine and should not come back now I have completely stopped the quetiapine.

I am now on a lower dose of aripiprazole (just 2.5mg) and back on 200mg of sertraline. I have changed the timing of the sertraline to take 200mg all at the same timerather than 100mg morningand night. I kept forgetting the morning dose before.

I am feeling much better and back in control these days. I hope it lasts. Work is much better too. I have a more manageable worklod and a new boss. I have also moved desks so I have peple cose by who I can talk to. I am getting out more and socialisingso things are really on the up.

My friend had a new baby last week so I off to visit them this afteroon! I must do some housework first tho'.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I feel very very blue....

I don't want to work anymore, I don't want to do anything anymore...
My mind is blank :o(!

Friday, April 02, 2010

Where are all the gentlemen?

I work with some real gentleman, one man I work with got all embarissed at dinner because he was served before the ladies. Bless him! Unfortunately we just don't see these characterisics in younger available men. Where are they all!

Maybe my generation will improve as we all grow older but maybe I'm just living after my time. Maybe all the gentleman have been snatched up or maybe they are all hiding!

When around these nice older men I feel more like a lady, so maybe if I behave more like a lady all the time it will bring the nicer side out in the men. My problem is I am too much along the lines of what you see is what you get!

I have cryed most of the morning as a father called his daughter a beautiful princess whois learning to be a lady. I have never felt like a lady and was never told Ilooked beautiful as a child. I am pretty plain looking tho but all little girls should be made to feel like a princess. It prepares them for being a lady.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

This is how it goes....

Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence,

No Crash Yet!

No crash yet although I have eaten a whole large bag o chocoalte buttons and kept topped upon the diet coke all day.  When I feel better I will start Weight Watchers again.  In the mean time it is party all the way!  Maybe it will triggor a hypomanic period! :-)  By the way, the cat does not like dancing with me, she would rather sleep.

I have spent most of the day working and I am happy with the amount I have achieved. Iam off toTescos to buy Onions to make French Onion Soup.  That should be reasonably sensible after all the chocalate :-)!

I may be happier but still behind on the housework, I need tofind some clothes to wear to work this week!


I havejust filled up on cadbury's chocolate buttons and diet coke.  I am now dancing around the flat!  I am dreading the crash after the sugar rush but who cares, for now I am happy :-)!!  I am working as I dance :-)

Sugar crash post will be later :-(!

Friday, March 19, 2010

I went to the coffee shop and thenouttodinner on my own.  I got more work done in those few hours than I have managed all week.  I'm just going to go to bed and type some of it up!
I am sick to death of this awful illness!  I can't work, I can't concentrate and I can't do nothing.  I think I will take  walk in the rain!  I can't diet cos eating is my only source of comfort and I am rapidly expanding around the waist!  I want out, I just want to be normal, accepted and feel a part of the world rather than an on looker who watches life pass her by.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I got in touch with my psychiatrist today. I have to increase the srtraline to 200mg for a little while.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I want out!

I have had enough.

It feels like I am never going to get any better and even if I do it will come back again.

Work is falling apart I am completelyover whelmed by the amount of work I have to do.

I go days and days without talking to anyone and I am  feeling more lonely every day.

I tried calling the psychiatrist today but no one was there.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

working again

I'm wondering why I find it easier to work from home on a sunday evening than I do when I am in the office.  I tried working at home on Friday and I got very little done, I was trying to work but I could not concentrate.  Back to the office tomorrow.  I hope this week is more productive than last week. 

Saturday, March 13, 2010

I can't hold a thought in my head!

I started weight watchers last week.  I lost 1lb this week.  As I gave up on the diet for two days I am satisfied.  I would have been satisfied with no change in weight so loosing 1lb was a bonus.

I am still struggling to do anything.  The smallest of tasks just seem to be completely over whelming  so I end up getting nothing done.  I don't seem to be able to break things up into manageable tasks at the moment.  I am suppose to be going away this weekend but getting ready seems too difficult.

I worry that I am messing up my brain and turning into someone who is not me.  Then again I don't know who I am anyway.  I do know I was happy with life a little while ago before I started changing medications.   Now I am awake a lot more but I am struggling to work and function.  I cannot hold a thought in my head! :o(

I want a holiday from antipsychotic medications but my psychiatrist says because I have had a severe psychotic breakdown in the past he cannot recomend it and I am likely to relapse if I stop taking them.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


Those negative thoughts are becoming a real battle.  I was promoted at work and I find promotions a really stressful experiance.  I know if I was feeling well I would be coping a lot better than I am now.  I have a very high work load but no energy and I do not seem able to concentrate and break big things down into manageable chunks.

I went to a pub quiz last night and it went on and on so I did not get home until late.  I think I am over tired and I am hoping a good nights sleep will fix the problem.  I came home from work at lunch time today and it was only earlier this week that I was starting to feel well again.

I am starting to ignore people who are giving me a lot of hassle and demanding work from me which I do not have tme to do.  I think it is a ticking time bomb!

Friday, March 05, 2010

negative thoughts are back but spring is coming

It's been a long hard winter and I'm glad spring is coming! I seem to be fighting those familiar negative thoughts a  lot recently.  Is that person staring at me.  Those people are whispering about me.  So and so thinks I'm stupid.  He does not like me.  I think they are all irrational and a little paranoid but I do wish they would go away.  Fighting them and distracting myself takes an awful lot of effort.  I am still only on 5mg of aripiprazole and as the side effects seem to have gone away I am wondering if I might be better off with a slightly higher dose as originally planned.  I have another appointment with the psychiatrist in a few weeks and this will be my first question.

Otherwise I am doing well, my flat is tidy, I'm quite organised and generally getting on with life.  It's just everything is taking just a little bit more effort.  I must admit it is nice being able to getup inthe mornings again :o).

My parents are coming to stay this weekend and I have put on so much weight I have decided to join Weight Watchers.  The first meet is tomorrow morning.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The massage was lovely and has worked a treat.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Massage as therapy

Working on some learnings from my time in hospital a few years ago, how you feel physically and mentally are very closely linked.  I have booked a deep tissue massage for lunch time in the hope it will induce a relaxing and productive weekend.  I am extremely tense and my shoulders are hunched up.  I'm looking forward to an hour of bliss!

I am working from home on easy stress free stuff this morning :o) but I feel awful about the stress I am causing others by not doing the most urgent stuff :'o(.  Still at least I am working!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

miserable, poorly and paranoid

This is my 200th post.  WOW! I never thought this blog would last more than 5 minutes, I definitely didn't intend to keep it going this long!  Writing to my blog does make me feel better tho'.

My day has been crap again, my mood is falling and I keep crying.  I have also been daignosed with irritable bowel syndrome which just adds to the overall discomfort.  I came home sick again today as my stomach felt like it was going to explode :'-(!

I keep crying for no real reason too and this morning at work I was feeling very paranoid.  I had to do a short presentation and I lost my nerve. :'-(.  I also felt very self concious :-(.  I cry when people look at me and I cry when people are nice to me, and I cry when people ignore me!  Poor people!!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

I am feeling much better today and I am looking forward to going back to work on Monday.  I am going to have lots of catching up to do!  I will make another attempt to increase the aripiprazole under the supervision of my psychiatrist.  i see him again next week.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Sick Leave

I am on sick leave at the moment.  I have a job which is a desk job and requires a lot of thinking.  The problem is I can not sit still, settle and get on with my work at the moment.  I have a lot of built up physical energy that keeps telling me to get up and do something.  The frustration comes when there is nothing physical to do.  I was climbing the walls at home in my one bedroom flat so I am staying with my Mum for a few days.  There is nothing physically wrong with me but I am incapable of sitting down and concentrating.  I am sick but I do worry that others do not understand the nature of my illness :o(.

Aripiprazole Update

I am still at my Mum's although I am going to try and do some work tomorrow or evven later today.  I think my agitation is stress related as well as the side effect of aripiprazole.  I spoke to my psychiatrist this morning and I am to reduce both the aripiprazole back to 5mg daily and the queytiapine is to be reduced further to 25mg daily and we will review on Monday.  He thinks it is a transition problem and will calm down.  I hope so as I am certainly enjoying having those few extra hours in the day!

My mind is quiet, it is not like anxiety, but I keep getting up like I need or want to be doing something.  I just don't seem to be ableto settle down and get on with anything at all.  Perhaps that is why I am doing lots of short blog posts.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I can't sit still!!  My brain keeps telling me to get upand walk about!
I am going to go and visit my Mum!  I have a phone call booked with the psychiatrist tomorrow morning.

Staying off sick today!

I am staying at home today, I have had a really good nights sleep and I even took an afternoon nap yesterday.  Maybe my body just needs time to adjust after taking quetiapine for several years.  The quetiapine made me sleep 10 to 12 hours per night, sometimes longer so it makes sense that 8 hours will not be enough during the transition.  I took an extra 25mg of quetiapine yesterday as I could not settle and sit still.

I am staying at home today, maybe do a little work from home once I start to get bored.  I think I could go back to sleep right now :o)!

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

I came home sick again

I have come home sick again today.  Sometimes I just think it would be nice for someone to ask how I am?  or whats wrong? or how is the new medication going?  But no this is an illness people struggle to talk about and despite my openess and informing people I am changing medication, no one asks me how it is going, how I am feeling or why I have gone home sick two days in a row.  It's not a lot but it would mean a lot to me while I am feeling fed up and sick of all the meds. 

I feel like an overweight fast approaching middle aged women who lives on the outskirts of society.  I can cope with much of the weirdness, jerky movements, discomfort, inability to sit still but I so desire to feel a partof the gang and one of the crowd.  But I'll never be that and I have always known that.

Being myself is fine and I have confidence to be myself but I still wantto be one of the crowd too.

I have an appointment with my GP on Monday and the Psychiatrist on Wednesday.  I'm thinking of staying at home for a few days.

Monday, February 08, 2010

I feel ill now :o(

I have just come home from work sick, my stomach is the size of a fooball, I could burp for England andI could not sit still.  I went for a brisk walk which seemed to help but my tummy hurts.  My stomach is notdrug related just woman related but it is not helping with my overall comfort!

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Aripirazole update

Things are still going well with the new drug. I increased the dose from 5mg to 10mg two nights ago.  I also decreased the quetiapine from100mg to 50mg.  I have noticed that ocassionally I have been a little jittery, and also noticed it harder to sit still for long periods of time.  This may well be I am just noticing it more as it is a known side effect.    I haven't lost any weight but I am still eating too much.  I am going to try harder this week!

I had a lovely day out with Friends yesterday.  We visited HMS Victory and did a boat tour of all the current war ships.  There were ships visiting from the Netherlands and Germany, these were my favourites :o).

On Tuesday I find out what is happening to my job, whether I still have one and whether it is going to change much.  I'm trying to be positive.

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Reaction to BBC documentary 'My Child Won't Speak'

Well I watched it.  It was quite emotional for me.  Each of the three girls had a different impact on me.  When I was a child I would not talk to any adults outside my immediate family.  I still struggle with anyone who has the upper hand or in a position of authority although I do comfortably manage polite greetings these days.

Danielle was the eldest and still didn't speak when she was 14 or 15 years old.  She started a new school to help her overcome her difficulties.  I felt for her as she was fighting the fight without professional help but with a mother who recognised she was suffering.  I had to manage without proffessional help, without any help for that matter.

 My mother went through all the emotions discussed by the other mothers; the reasoning, the bribary, the desperation, the frustration and even tried disciplining me.  But I never ever felt she understood.  She is a strong believer that exroverts are better than introverts, not different, better! And she never let me forget it.   I had a conversation, aged 11 or 12, that I was too old to be shy now.  I was no longer a little girl and itwas just rude.

Megan is a beautiful little girl aged 10.  She was having therapy at school. All the other kids had just got use to not talking to her.  But, she was getting help and starting to win her fight. She had a very quiet voice but everyone was quiet and listened to her.  I remember when I use to try and talk at school, I was not heard.  The teacher saw my lips moving one day and I was told if I wanted to talk I would have to talk louder.  I felt so embarrised I did not try again.

Red was the youngest.  She was eight years old and could not speak to her grandfather.  She obviously loved him very much!  I missed out on relationships with my Grandparents and Uncles as I was growing up.  It is only recently that I have realised how many happy memories my sisters have of them,  I have was left out.  There is still time for meet to know my Uncles but it is very hard for me to start a conversation now after so many years of polite hellos and goodbyes with nothing inbetween.  After this programe I feel inspired to try again.

One of the childs anxieties started after after talking to a stranger she thought was her mother.  It wasn't.  Her mother said she had never seen anyone so upset after she realised.  I had a similar experiance when I was very young.Aged about three I lost my parents.  I was running up and down the road crying as I looked for them.  A lady eventually caught me and helped me find them.  I think I kicked her when she tried to pick me up.  I screemed the whole time.  I would not tell her anything tho'.

I think it was the same day, it was definitely the same place.  I was hiding behind my Dad's leg as they were talking to another man who had the same trousers on as my Dad.  I was horrified when I looked up and realised I was hiding behoind the wrong pair of trousers.  My parents were laughing and talking and I thought it was because they had the same trousers on!  :'o(! This all happened before the mutisim set in, but if there was a triggor that day must have been it!  I use to have nightmares about waking up naked for years after.

Finally they spoke to children braking bones and not crying.  I think the most shocking thing I did was when I was putin the wrong taxi by the school.  I was about 7 I think.  The taxi driver took me t the wrong house.  I got out the car at the wrong house and started walking along the road.  the taxi driver insisted I got back in the car and he took me back to school.

I am not moaning and certainly do not feel sorry for myself, but watching the programme really helped me understand how I have got to the place I am today.  I would not change anything about my life now and all the experiances I had as a child have made me who I am today.


The programe will be on BBC iplayer for the next week.

Monday, February 01, 2010

Selective Mutism

I overcame the problem myself as I grew up, but to the day I left University aged 23 I was still unable to speak up in a class setting.  I was offered counselling when I was 16 but it was a bit late by then and when I moved into the sixth form the Head of Sixth insisted I could not have any unless I asked for it myself.  The problem was I couldn't ask so I never received any help.

After a complete psychotic breakdown, aged about 27 I was finally diagnosed with social anxiety and bipolar disorder.  The whole world changed when I realised I was sick and not naughty, that was also very scary!  I came so close to attempting suicide but I didn't!

I'm looking forward to seeing how the next generation are getting help.  I think the BBC earn their money with things like this, I hope they do not dissapoint.

I have a 'date' with someone 12 years older than me tonight, a 'suger daddy'. Still men my own age always give up on me.  It's a first date, I'll try and tell him I suffer from depression if I get the opportunity.  If he reacts ok to that I may agree to a second date.  The rest can come out if and when it ever needs to.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

BBC documentary: My Child Won't Speak

Tuesday, 2nd February 2010, BBC One, 10:35pm My Child Won't Speak follows three young girls with a rare emotional disorder, known as selective mutism, as they struggle to overcome their phobia and speak to people other than their parents for the first time in years.

Eight-year-old Red has a set of rules about who she can and can't talk to, while ten-year-old Megan will talk freely at home, but never utters a word at school, and 15-year old Danielle started speaking in public for the first time 12 months ago.

To talk freely like other children, the three girls must confront the personal fears and anxieties they have about using their voices. My Child Won't Speak joins them on their individual journeys as they start to find a way forward.

For more information on tackling behavioural issues and finding organisatiosn that can help, download our parental advice factsheet (1.08, Mb).

more hours in the day

It is so nice having more hours in the day! My flat is reasonably tidy, I rearranged some furniture yesterday, I took my car to the garage to get the brakes checked, I have caught up on my laundry and I still have more time.  I am just getting ready to go to the gym.

For months, or even years, I have struggled to do half this much on a weekend. I would stay up until about 11pm, sleep to 2pm or 3pm and rush around to do the housework which had been neglected all week before taking the tablets about 8 pm to 9pm to give me some chance of getting up for work the next day.

I think only having a small tv with very few channels is also a great help.  When tired there is nothing better than sleeping on the sofa in front of the tv all day.

I have loads and loads of social activities planned for the next month or so.  I'm feeling much more confident about going out and meeting a bunch of strangers for a chat, a film or trying something new.

I'm off to the gym now as I have eaten 12 chocalate cakes in less than 48 hours!  I went shopping hungry :o( and my defences were low.  They were buy 6 get 6 free and once I have chocolate in the flat there is no hope!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Words Are Windows
(or They're Walls)

I feel so sentenced by your words,
I feel so judged and sent away,
Before I go I've got to know,
Is that what you mean to say?

Before I rise to my defense,
Before I speak in hurt or fear,
Before I build that wall of words,
Tell me, did I really hear?

Words are windows or their walls,
They sentence us or set us free,
When I speak and when I hear,
Let the love light shine through me.

There are things I need to say,
Things that mean so much to me,
If my words don't make me clear,
Will you help me to be free?

If I seemed to put you down,
If you felt I didn't care,
Try to listen through my words,
To the feelings that we share.

                                                               Ruth Behermeyer.

Just started reading a book on Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg.  It opens with this poem which has already made me start to think.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Aripiprazole - day three

A few small headaches and a little light headed but overall feeling ok!  I am hoping these minor things will sort themselves out as my body adjusts.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

A Pretty Brain Cell!

Aripiprazole - day two

No problems at all last night and today. I took the aripiprazole a few hours before bed and the quetiapine at bedtime. I watched a film and went to bed about 1am. I was awake by 10:30am. In the past if I have stayed up and watched a film in the early hours I would not wake until 2pm or even later :o).

I am very happy today and thinking the new meds might workout :o).

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Aripiprazole - day one

I took 5mg of Aripiprarzole last night with 100mg of quetiapine. It took me a few hours to get off to sleep and I had dry eyes and itchy legs and could not lie still for a while. I think I will take the next dose tomorrow morning as I do not need to go out tomorrow and if it is going to make me restless I guess it is better to take it while I want to be up and about instead of when I want to sleep.

I'm not giving up yet! I only slept for just over 8 hours and I stirred in the night :o). When I sleep so soundly on quetiapine I do not always feel rested as the night goes past in the blink of an eye.

I went out again last night with the local film club. I enjoyed it very much and I am making lots of new friends! I am out again tonight too but I have to do some laundry and house work first.

The following website for anyone who wants further details about aripiprazole (or any other drug), this site is from the european medicines agency which regulates drugs in Europe, similar to the FDA in the US. There is a summary for the public in 22 languages as well as more in depth scientific information.

European Medicines Agency - Aripiprazole (Abilify)

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I am going to try aripiprazole/ abilify. As all the side effects are reversible if you stop taking it I guess I have nothing to loose. If I can get the prescription and get to the chemist my first dose will be tomorrow evening.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A very social weekend!

I have had a lovely weekend. Last night I went out for dinner and then on to see Avatar in 3D. It was the first cinema 3D film I have seen. I was sitting right on the front row and it was a bit close, still it was a great film.

Today I went out for sunday lunch at the social club followed by a French film, "the grocer's son". Tomorrow I plan to go to the pub for a lecture on "Global Shipping". These lectures are very popular and they have a very good reputation. I'm looking forward to it.

My television broke down about two weeks ago and I think it is doing me some good. I may notfix it or replace it ;o).

Saturday, January 16, 2010

About Me

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after a psychotic episode in the summer of 2005. I think I had a mixed episode with psychosis and anxiety. It was really frightening and I believed I was dying but no one would tell me. I did not sleep for over a week but I did not feel tired and would pace and walk around rather than sitting still! My mind was racing and my beliefs got more and more terrifying.

I was first diagnosed with depression in 2000 when I was 23 and I had three severe episodes of depression before I was diagnosed with bipolar. The summer of 2005 was the first time I was psychotic and I would rather die than go through that again. I thought I was dying and no one would tell me. I also thought my mother was dying at one time. I played out some of my most deepest fantasies. All my life, up to my diagnosis, my view of the world had been darkened by depression, this had made fantasies a large part of my life and they had also become very dark.

I remember feeling very anxious since I was extremely young, my first memories of school when I was 4 years old were about anxiety, of course I did not understand what it was at the time. I would not speak to the teachers, I was frightened and I was getting told off for being rude because I would not answer the teachers. I was always in trouble but I never said a word. I now believe I had selective mutism which is an anxiety disorder which was only recognised as an illness a few years before I suffered. I was just seen as rude and naughty.

At the moment I am well, I take 50mg Sertraline (also known as Lustral or Zoloft) for my anxiety and I take 2.5mg od Aripiprzole (also known as Abilify) as a mood stabiliser. These provide few side effects but I am trying to reduce these as much as possible to try for a family.

Since my diagnosis in 2005 I have been relatively well, I have had a few episodes of depression, some deeper than others.  I have also had a couple of periods where I have needed to work reduced hours.  Mostly because of an extremely stressful job.  I have also had a couple of periods where I have got a bit carried away with things and felt far more confident than usual, I usually look back at these times with shame and regret.

In the summer of this year (2013) I married my man (Mr. R).  I am very happy and along with all the love, he also supports me, lets me talk, lets me hide under the duvet and provides stability.

Life was very dark before I was diagnosed, I always knew I was different and did not fit in but did not know why. Getting the correct diagnosis has been the best thing that has happened in my life however, I had to get extremely sick before I managed to get the help I needed.

I first wanted to kill myself when I was about 12; to everyone else I was just a moody teenager who spent all my time in my room (nobody ever came to see what I was doing) I thought nobody cared. I was an easy target for bullies and I would hang around with all the other kids who were bullied. Some of whom are still good friends. But I was not happy, I planned my suicide, I put the suicide note under my mattress and planned to take an overdose about a mile from my house down a farm track called green lane. I just never went through with it; I clinged to the hope that life would get better.

Please read on, come back and visit again or leave a comment and introduce yourself. I like to know who is reading my blog.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Trip to the Psychiatrist

Yesterday I had my 6 month check up with my psychiatrist. He has suggested that I change my seroquel medication to abilify. This may help me loose weight and is not such a strong sedative. There is a possibility of a side effect of stiffness or jerky movements which sounds very scary. I am sleeping so much I am struggling to put my hours in at work so I have to change something. My weight is also bordering on obese. I am waiting for his written letter and advise before I mke my final decision.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Happy New Year

Resolutions for 2010

1. to get up, get dressed and make the bed before switching on the computer or television.
I have bought myself some nice new bedding, a digital radio and a fan heater to help me here.

2. to post on my blog at least once a month.
I have had requests from a few bipolar and counselling sites about using my blog as a source of information for their readers. At this point in time I am not comfortable with this. However, this is in line with my motivation for starting the site and I like to think it could be used in the future.

The old favourites

3. loose weight.
My current weight is 11st and 7lbs, before the medication it was 10st and 0lbs and for several years after starting the medication it was 11st and 0lbs. My weight is now at a stage where I am bordering on obese and it is starting to worry me more and more :o(. I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow and this will be at the top of the list!

4. keep a work life balance.

Easier said than done but essential for my health and also a broader perspective will help me decide if I want to continue working for the same company or expand my horizons.

In 2008 I made the following resolutions
1. Watch less television, listen to more music and be more active. I currently spend too many days in front of the televison.
- this didn't really work out for me, I have some evenings now where I don't put the tv on but overall I am still a couch potato. My first resolution for 2010 is suppose to be a smaller and more manageable step in this direction.

2. Have my own flat and be moved in by next Christmas!
- done!

3. Continue to try and expand my social life.
- done!

In 2007 I made the following resolutions
1. lots more friends, some friends I can ring and say, hey, do you want to go to the pub tonight!!
I have found a social meetup group in my own town and the last few months I have been out with them quite a few times. Most of the people are quite a lot older than I am but nevertheless I enjoy their company, I get out and try new things and I am making new friends! There is definitely much improvement in the last two years!

2. loose weight, my medication made me put on a stone so I am going to have another attempt at shifting it!
Still no progress here, unfortunately I have put on even more weight and I am considering discussing alternative medications with my psychiatrist.

3. be happier
Well, I'm doing ok but bipolar is for life :o(.