Sunday, December 17, 2006

Staying with Mum

I am staying with my Mum for a few days, she had an operation on her knee last week so I am here to look after her. At least I have internet access for a bit :o) !!

I feel much better now, I do not have the slightest desire to bite myself, I tried it but it hurts!!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Self Harm as a Release

I have always thought of self harm as a cry for help and never seriously attempted it before as I was worried that people would think I am attention seeking and being a spoilt brat.

Yesterday I had a particulary bad day at work, I had put all my effort into two peices of work and really gave it everything I had. I thought on Wednesday it was complete, when I went in yesterday morning a very senior person in the company said simply he had changed his mind and did not want to use the wording I provided as an alternative for his inappropriate proposal. He wrote quite a rude and abrupt email so that really upset me.

I did not do any work yeasterday and I was in tears a couple of times. I was really ready to just resign and have done with it. I have been living in this town for nearly 5 years and I have tried really hard to meet people during the last 18 months and there is still no one I can call upon to go to the pub with after a bad day! I was seriouslg considering quitting my job and moving closer to my family. After all, a stressful famly is better than no famly!

I watch TV until 11pm just in numb mode, I went to bed and cryed for a while. After a bit the idea of self harm came into my head, I thought of the kitchen knives and I tried to cut myself wih a huge chopper. I did not want to cut deep as I did not want anyone to know. It did not matter if people thought I was attention seeking, I knew I was not!! In fact I did not want anyone to know!

The knives did not cut me, they were too blunt. I covered a used light bulb with a cloth and smashed it with a hammer. It took quite some effort to cut through my skin and draw blood. I was really surprised about how thick my skin is.

I have only managed a cut of about 1 cm. I felt quiet in the mind after, it was a release. I forced myself to get up and go to work this morning. I must have looked a right wreck. I did not wash, (I cleaned teeth cos of my brace) but I threw dirty clothes on and went to work.

It was really hard wth peple saying morning and stuff, I went to the bathroom several time and tryed to bite myself. I gotr some good hard bites up both arms but did not draw blood. It was a release from an unbearable situation.

At lunch time my boss (who I think of as a friend) asked me to join him for lunch. We had a good chat about things and I felt a lot better this afternoon :o). I do not feel like harming myself anymore.

I now understand that self harm is not attention seeking, those people I listened to many years ago when I was frst contemplating it were wrong. Self harm is a release. I in no way want to kill myself or stop living but the self harm is a coping strategy. Not an ideal one but it take the emotional pain away.

I know I probably need a bit more help right noe but I do not want to bother the doctor or psychiatrist this close to Christmas. Anyway I do not want more meds and I do not want pity. My chat at lunch time was the help I needed.

I am going to get my PC fixed in the new year as a matter of a priority, my blogg is definitely a better release than bites.

The bite marks are gone now, but they took several hours to go. I hope they do not bruise as I do not want to wear long sleeves all over Christmas.

Sorry for such a depressive post so close to Christmas, but it helps to write these things down. I still feel I have a new confidence, I am not bad for wanting to harm myself, it was a coping strategy until someone had time for me!

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Contemplating Life

I have not been to work today, I overslept as I could not sleep last night. I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life, at every stage a voice comes into my head about what other people will think. I do not consciously think I must do this or I must not do that because other people will disapprove. The voice of disapproval usually sounds like my sisters or my mothers. Life is tough enough trying to make your self happy and content, from now on I am going to climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until I find my dream!!

For the time being this may mean loosening the ties between myself and my mother and my sister. Not in a way they would notice but I am not going to allow their opinion to influence my mood so much. This is my life no one elses!

I have always had a very clean-cut life, always doing the right thing by other people and worrying what others think. I am going to take a risk, the people I know well may see a change, the thought of loosing their respect or friendship terrifies me. However they do not and cannot fulfil my need for love and companionship! I need others and to do that I need to go out there and let my hair down!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


-- looking from the outside in --


I feel really miserable and fed up. I had a good day at work, it was office clear up day so I threw a lot of old folders out and cleaned my desk. That all went well.

I had my end of year review this afternoon and that went well and was all positive. I should get a pa rise in April.

I got home from work about 6pm and watched a spot of TV. I spoke to ‘Mr Apparently Creepy Guy’ again. Then I went to the local pub for dinner. The service was really crap but the food was good. I was dining alone which was a bit depressing, when I went to order the lady was pretty moody and I ordered my meal for one and she just said ‘What Else?’ I said ‘that’s it’ and she just mumbled something like ‘ok’. I moved on to order my drink from the bar and a large party of middle age women got there just in front of me. All I wanted was one soft drink but I had to wait for several people to buy their rounds and hand out their Christmas cards.

I am reading ‘The Road to Nab End, An extraordinary Northern Childhood’ by William Woodruff. I usually like this kind of book because they are living memories of history. I love getting sunk in to the old fashioned community that I have not experienced since a very young age. One part of the last chapter mentioned Bill had an Aunty who was deaf and going blind, she was a spinster and none of her family would take her in. That’s going to be me! – maybe that is what has upset me?

I came home went to bed and cried for a bit. After I stopped I just laid there feeling numb so I thought I would post! I do not think I will go to work in the morning because I feel very low. I have set my alarm so I can see how I feel tomorrow but I feel like I deserve a duvet day! Hopefully sleep should fix things?

Monday, December 04, 2006

General update...

I am still chatting to Mr. Apparently Creepy Guy! I quite enjoy his MSN company in the evenings. I went to see a Pocket Opera with him on Satuday and I really enjoyed it. His flat mate came along too, he was an interesting guy.

I got my car back today after having the next batch of work completed. I actually drove it home without feeling sick about what would go wrong next.

I have not started preparing for Christmas yet. Usually by this time of year I am over excited and in a silly child like mood with the tree going up on the 1st of December. It must be the stress of my car and things but I don't feel the Christmas Spirit yet and I have not even started the Christmas shopping. Maybe I will start this weekend :o)!

I have both top and bottom of my brace fitted now, I feel a little shy about showing people for the first time but then I think about having nice straight teeth when I am done :o)!! For the first time ever I have started noticing peoples teeth and just how many people have oddities with them! I am quite proud of my braces now.

Not much else to report but I will post again soon!