Friday, December 26, 2008


I mean what a nightmare. My perfect Christmas would be just me, a bottle of wine and a mountain of films. Instead I have to stay with family and participate in the festivities. I am not even allowed a lie in as I have to help prepare for guests I do not particularly want to see. I hate the tension and the small arguments and bickering.

I have drank far too much wine on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to try and make myself oblivious to my surroundings. My stomach now sounds like stew bubbling and simmering away. The stress of Christmas just drives me to drink!

But oh yes, we have another big meal today and if I pass it makes me the selfish person spoiling Christmas for everyone else. In fact I dispute this. Everyone else is spoiling my Christmas as they make me do something with others everyday. I actually would prefer to be alone, I hate Christmas and families equal nothing but stress!

My family will not let me be alone at christmas but this is more for their sake than mine. I would much prefer the solitude. I dream of a week to watch some films, surf the internet and go to the health club. Maybe stroll around the sales or have some chosen friends to dinner.

An argumentative stressful family events forced upon me is my idea of hell!! Roll on new year and my return to work! Next year I will be stronger and insist on doing my own thing. I will leave the country on a solitary holiday if that is the only way to escape!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Getting everything back into perspective

I'm feeling a lot better today. I had a chance to talk to my manager about the changes that are happening. He is a lot more clued up and people focused than my immediate supervisor. He talked to me about how the role of my current supervisor was going to change and assured me that my new supervisor would suit my style more effectively. He said he could not tell me who it would be yet as the legal stuff was not yet in place. He did share enough with me to settle most of my anxieties.

My next battle is to challenge a comment in my end of year appraisal. There is something in my development needs which I want to question. I'm usually quite submissive when discussing my performance and take the line of what ever you say sir. He has critisied a very basic skill which I feel I do well and master. It is not something I have the confidence to tackle head on but I think I can ask for specific example for when this particular area has been a problem. Even this will be a challenge for me and feels like a big deal.

I think that coment is a part of a larger issue of the whole department underestimating my ability so I think it is very important for me to challenge that coment. This perception comes from a recent task which management did to map peoples skills onto the technical career ladder. I felt really under valued. As my current supervisor has very little insight into what I do and I remain concerned that he did not have the appropriate information to do this task. I have the document which specifies the skills and I will challenge these and tackle this perception with my new supervisor next year. I guess we have progress as this is the first time ever I have anything to help me work out where I fit in the organisation and what others think of me.

I find this aspect of work and career progression the most difficult of all as you have to blow your own trumpet a bit. When I become hypomanic I feel like I rule the world and I can run the whole department and make great scientific discoveries. I hate arrogant people or big headed people. Therefore following these thoughts of great achievement and confidence the anxiety kicks in that someone may judge me as big headed or arrogant.

Work in general is back to normal tho'. After my manager settled some of my anxieties I became absorbed in my daily tasks again and the afternoon flew by. Why my supervisor could not share some of this information escapes me. My only conclusion can be that he enjoys having the power to withhold information.

Monday, December 15, 2008

When the lights go out...

I use the TV, DVDs and soaps to hide from the way I am feeling. The last few nights when the lights have gone out; when all I can hear is the clock ticking, the cat purring and next doors TV I realise how alone I am in this depressing world.

This tme yesterday I could not see my way through today. Now I at least have a plan for tomorrow and maybe after that I will be able to see my way through the week and to the Christmas break! I hate turning the lights out!

tears at work

Work was horrible, a really hard slog today. I was in tears twice for no reason at all. I went to submit my end of year appraisal to find my supervisor had been changed on the system. I guess this is an administration error surely this would not be done without informing me and it is VERY unlikely to be the person it has been changed to. This just adds to the uncertainty and stress :o(.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

motivaton all gone

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I had a migraine this afternoon and I was really hoping it would be a second round of this virus to get me off work for a few more days. I don't want to go back, can't cope at the moment and would much rather sleep. I guess I should try and get some sleep.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

getting better...

I'm feeling a bit better today. I walked into town and finished my Christmas shopping. I still fill with dread and anxiety when I think about work. I think I will just try and knuckle down and think about practical tasks which I need to complete. I might make the list tomorrow so I will be focused on Monday morning.

I have taken out unemployment / redundancy cover for my mortgage. It is a bit of reassurance for some of the anxieties in my head.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Depression following virus / flu type thing....

I keep imagining ways to end it all but that's not what I want. I have just had a bath and got dressed. I just feel clean and miserable now. I don't want to go back to work, I can't face it. Hopefully I will feel better by Monday.

I think I will just try and clear up and do some laundry today. It is probably better than doing nothing. It might keep my mind occupied. I liked being physically ill it kind of gave my mind a rest. My mind needs a kick start now as the emptyness leaves a void for the negative thoughts to sneak in. There are many many negative thoughts at the moment too. Mainly regarding my ability at work.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I have had enough....

I have had this horrible flu like virus thing the last few days. The physical symptoms are begining to clear but the depression is starting to set in :o(. I am still tired with a blocked nose and headache tho'.

All the uncertainty at work really isn't helping. My supervisor has told me that he will be moving to a new role so that is fact not rumour now. I have a lot of anxieties about how my job is likely to change when I have a new supervisor. I think I got a bit hypo as I have taken on far too much work and with one particular project I have I am beginning to feel out of my depth. There are new people working on it and they are very negative.

I'm ready to give up on work for various reasons. I use to thinkI was good at what I did and I had a future. Now there is nothing apart from a lot of hassle and no suport from anyone. But if I do not have work what is there?

I am feeling very very low :(