Wednesday, February 04, 2009


Sometimes I think about taking my own life, I think once you have made serious plans and really contemplated the idea it will always return as a way out when things are unbearable. In my mind when I get anxious about a perceived situation which may or may not happen, suicide comes to mind as an emergency exit strategy for an unbearable life.

Depression is a danger to me as I may become delusional or paranoid that something is happening or about to happen when really it is not even on the cards. If I think life is unbearable due to an imaginary situation then suicide would be a mistake.

On the other hand, if life really ever did become completely unbearable and my perception of that unbearable situation was correct then I would want to make the decision about whether to stay on this earth. The real threat is delusional and irrational thoughts that make me perceive bad things are happening when really they are not. The real threat to me is not suicide as there are worse things in life than death.

Sometimes suicidal thoughts are quite natural to me, when thinking if this happens I'll do that. When there are no bearable 'thats' suicide is an option which relieves anxiety. Once I know and feel in control of that option I can move on and start to think of better alternatives.

To threaten suicide to get help would be counter productive in my case. I fear getting sectioned, going back to an NHS hospital where in the past my freedom was taken from me without just cause. If sectioned the suicide option is removed and I could end up in a worse state of anxiety. If I talk of suicide family can have me sectioned, so to actually talk about an iminant plan for suicide would be a mistake.

Talking about suicide may sometimes be a call for help, but I think it is a really desperate one and I have promised myself never to do it as a call for help. My life is too higher price to pay to get the input and friendship of others. Tho' help is really difficult to get at times I want help from people who care and not those who do not want the suicide of someone on their minds. Also you can scream from the hill tops, "HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME!!" but how can people help? Drugs are the best option for me as it give me time out as time to sleep!