Thursday, July 27, 2006

Me and God

God and I have our own special relationship. I have never been christened as my Mum wanted to get me and my older sister christened at the same time. My sister was four and the vicar said she was too old. Therefore my Mum did not have either of us Christened. We went to Sunday school for a bit but I always felt different as I knew I did not 'belong' to the church.

I did learn the lords prayer at school and I say it regulary knowing that is what Jesus taught us to say. He knows why you are praying and what you want to say! The lords prayer is the only prayer you need.

Sometimes my prayers are answered. They are answered on matters not yet decided but I never ask for things I know he will not be able to change.

As for the Church (Catholic) they put too much emphasis on the church and not enough on God. I used to go with my ex and although I felt safe there and loved inside and no longer alone I object strongly about the part in mass where they say something about being faithful to the cathlic church. Christians are Christians and that is all there is to it!

When I was very low a few years ago i just went and sat in a cathedral, I lit a candle and prayed I would find the strength to sort my life out. That prayer is being answered every day now. God helped my partner find the strength to end our dead relationship after he knew I was not strong enough to do this myself. He knew things would get bad but gave me just enough strength for each day. I am still here and I have never been so happy with life.

Church is not for me, the bible is not for me (too old and no historic value). I am not interested in sharing my religous thoughts with others in a church meeting of any description.

My relationship with God is very private and God teaches me what I need to know. I have no interest in a Church that says I will not be able to have my ashes buried with my families as they are on blessed ground and I have not been christened.

To be confirmed I'd need to learn the crap in the bible, that was not written by God that was written by men and I believe poorly as God would not have put in so much that can be easily misinterpreted. That is not the type of beliefs I want to share or be any part of.

When I feel lost I read books, sometimes religous ones, sometimes self help books and sometimes little books full off feel good quotes. The quotes that seem nice, make me feel good and make sense logically are the way God guides me. He helps me choose these.

Maybe when I am stronger and more confident I will do some charity work for the Sally Army. I do not think I would be interested in their uniform or meetings though, but I would be willing to find out more. I used to go to the Sally Army Youth Club and a lot of my friends were proper members. It was a very friendly and community based atmosphere. Very caring. I'd like to be a part of that - not sure about the no drinking bit - god gives me that for ocasional relief!

I have never put how I feel about God into words before, there is nothing here I have not thought about before ut seeing it written down is kind of revealing.

I hope no one thinks I am weird!

Making Changes

Today has been a bit better, I had a good productive day at work. Everyone was very impressed with my tidy desk :o). I went through my old weight watchers book to get some meal ideas as I have not been eating well. I also went shopping to get some healthy food. I had a cod fillet, sweet corn and boiled new potatoes for dinner. It is probably the first square meal I have had in two weeks and I really enjoyed it.

I am going to the psychiatrists on Tuesday, I am going to discuss having some more CBT sessions. I have been taken omega 3 fish oil tablets yesterday and today. Maybe they will give me a boost?

I need to get an organiser thing with days of the week on for my tablets. Tonight I can not remeber if I took them earlier or not. I have taken them again as I know I am not on maximum doses. If I have taken too much I will just be really drowsy.

I feel like I have lost my grip a bit over the past few weeks. I am going to try sorting myself out AGAIN!!! This cycle of loosing my grip, getting very low, making changes, things start picking up, very content, relax a bit, loose my grip, get very low.....

This is all very tiresome (BIG YAWN!!!)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

A bad morning

I got up this morning feeling as I have done every morning recently, I got dressed, not exactly in my best clothes but wore a skirt to keep cool and a green top. As I looked in the full length mirror on the way out I saw some woman looking back who dressed like they were 50 and has no fashion sense.

I left the house anyway and headed off for work. The automatic negative thoughts got the better of me and by the time I got to work I felt like a complete total missfit. I kept going, I got out the car to walk to the office but I felt like the people walking behind me were making judgements and sniggering. Wen I walked up the stairs someone held the door open for me, they seemed tolook me up and down and laught too. I passed two other people on the way to my desk and the same happened.

I sat at my desk shaking and sweating for about 5 minutes, it felt like everyone was staring at me. I managed to turn the computer on but I could not cope with sitting there. When I wanted to go and get a drink but I could not face standing up.

I sent an instant message to my boss saying I was not feeling well and I needed to take the morning off. That was a big mistake, I may as well said I am going to gohome and cut my wriats. I should have said I had to take the cat to the vet or something. He called me into his office and started questioning me. He said I could go home as long as I went down to occupational health first. The thought of walking through site with everyone starring was enough to make me cry so I decided I would stay at work. I tried this for a few minutes but think my boss staring at me too.

I emailed occupational health and told them I was having a bad day and needed to take a few hours off. Could I go now and go to see her this afteroon. She would not let me and said I had to go and see her there and then. I sat in her office and had to face a detailed third degree on my medication, the support I have been getting (or lack of it) how work was, and how much holiday I had taken. Eventually after sweating buckets and shaking I was allowed to come home and get changed.

This would have all been nice if I thought any of them were doing it because they cared about me and wanted to make sure I was ok. I think they aredoing it cos i is their job and they have to! None of them cared last year when I needed the help!

On the radio on the way home they were talking about everyones sense of fashion going out of the window and people just wear as fewer clothes as possible. This is the type of thing that sent me psychotic last time. I'm a bit scared incase I was hearing things. Unless there is a God after all and he is making sure I hear what I need to hear! Either way I laughed at the time but now I am a bit scared.

Anyway I have got changed and put on my favourite jeans (not suppose to wear jeans to work but hey that's the least of my problems today.) I made my consultation appointment at the Orthadontist today. It is on the 6 September! If I work on my appearance I think I will feel a bit more confident.

Anyway, I best get back to work! At least it will stop the shitty thoughts!

Sunday, July 23, 2006

I went into Richmond (south west London) yesterday andmet some friends from the Social Anxiety UK discussion board. I had a really nice time and I am lokingforward to going again! We are arranging something for two weeks time! Meeting other people with SA really helps my confidence, it stops me feeling like such a freak seeing all these normal people who are nice to talk to. I don't think I have ever met such a nice understanding group of people.

A friend I have known since my student days came to visit today, we wenttosee baby Livia (my honarary neice) she is nearly 6 weeks old already!! Afterwards the two of us went to the pub and had a really good chat. We talked about men and having babies and stuff. I told her I have seen my ex a few times recently, I had not told ny of my other friends this incase they disapproved! She was really understanding about me still thinking of him as a friend and caring about him although I would not want us to get back together. I no longer fancy him and we want different things from life.

She said how well she thought I was doing. I told her that I was going to get my teeth straightened. She is one of the first people I have told. She did ask why I did not get it done as a kid and I could comfortably tell her my Mum would not take me to the dentist. I tried asking my Mum to take me once but she would not. It was nice to talk about it though and my friend started to understand why I am not close to my family. She thought it was a great idea and even agreed that there was no rush to buy a house if I wanted to spend the money getting my teeth fixed.

We spoke a bit about when I was ill, it was really nice to talk to someone about it, she is the first person who has not assumed that the break up with my ex caused all my problems and believed I was not right before all that happened.

Apparently the day I rang my boss and told him I was going to kill myself I also rang her and sent her into a panic. She said if it had not been for the London bombings she would have come straight round. She alsosaid it was good that I called my boss as he called emergency services that led to me getting some help. She does not think she would have been able to get me the help I needed. It was really good talking to her, I feel like I got a lot off my chest which was nice. We have also made further plans about going to New York is September :o)

I have had a really good weekend!! :o)

I have my Mum on msn saying she wants to set up a second computer for stupid reasons such as Dad has not installed word, will blame her if it goes wrong and all the rest of it. I wish my parents showed some love towards each other. It makes me really sad when they pick fault with each other. I also get very sad that I will never be close to my Mum and will never know why she refused to take me to the dentist or cared enough to ask why I sat in my room and never came out every evening after school for five years. She is 70 now and I think it is better for her to finish her years happy and content believing she is a good mother and my problems are all down to my ex leaving me. She still argues with the psychiatrists diagnosis :o(. My relationship with my Mum makes me very sad. I sometimes think the reason I can not get close to others is because I never bonded with my Mum. I do love her but we have no mutual understanding or respect :o(

Anyway bedtime for me, I will post again soon!

My Mum has just signed off MSN saying goodnight sweet heart, love you lots. This makes me fell riddled with guilt about the way I feel about her :o(. I love her but only because she is my Mum not for who she is. I will never express my love for her openly and never forgive her for the rose coloured spectacles she wears when she looks at me. I will never forgive her for leaving me to cry when I needed her or not noticing how much I was suffering and making me feel guilty for taking medication. Even when I push her away I am not free of the guilt she imposes on me. I feel I am either exagerating it and being unfair, pushing her away on purpose but I have tried talking to her but she only hears what she wants to hear and can not see past her tinted specs! When I look at the situation I have the problem relating to others not her! I don't think I will ever be free of these feelings. I wish I could get angry and tell her how I feel. There is no good outcome from this though, she will either continue to select what she wants to hear or feel guilty about things in the past that can not be changed. From the attempts I have made in the past I think she will go for the fist option. There is nothing to be gained by trying to talk to her.


Friday, July 21, 2006

Fed Up!

I feel really low and fed up, I dn't know why, I amjust hot sticky and fed up of feeling so alone. I am going to bed to sleep it off. I just feel like I am always going to be lonely and fed up!!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The Colour Test

ColorQuiz.comI took the free personality test!

"Needs release from stress. Longs for peace, tranqu..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I went to the gym today and did the mile in 10mins 45 seconds! 10 seconds off my best!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

A Horrible Experiance

I do not usually dream but last night I had a horrible experiane. The bad experiance was more when I woke up than the dream it self. Let me explain...

I was having a good dream, it was nothing special but it was comfortable. It was a bit like the film 'Matrix' in the sense that there was a virtual world. I had to go to this training facility to determine my destiny in life. The best outcome was you lived in the virtual world as a super hero and the worse was you died in the cyber world and had to return home to live with my parents.

Early on the dream I felt like I was waking up, I dreamt that I turned to my ex and said 'I don't want to wake up as I am having a really good dream'. I told him it was like one I had before. In the dream he said he remembered when I thought I had this dream before and it was not a dream it was a film on DVD. I turned over to finish watching the film/dream.

Anyway back to the dream....
A few people I already knew had already got their destinies, they all ended up as Super Heros almost by accident. They just fell into the cyber world at the right time. I was feeling left out as I was just a no one in the virtual world. I was given another chance though, I had this mission to follow a bad guy but he must not see me. I was advised to read the rules before I started. So I sat down and read them. I was told the badie would not leave the room until I was ready to start.

The dream jumped again and I was following a challenge and I had to look for a little ticket on the ground which had destinies marked on them. One said parachute into to the virtual world and make a life for yourself, it felt like it would be a good life. I wanted more though, I wanted to be a super hero like my friends. There were then no tickets left and was searching desperately but people were chasing me.

I was then in some kind of hospital, I was very weak and a baby again. I had to be breast fed. I pushed my mother away and I was then in two roles, I had to feed myself. I was on the brink of dying in the virtual world but I fed myself and made myself strong again. If I died in the virtual world I would have to return home to my parents.

As I grew stronger I was then given another chance with the game I had been reading the instructions for. I had to find the entrance to the game though. I could not find it. My sister was helping me look but she wondered off and left me alone again.

I was then back in the hospital and I was told I had to hand over this leather case to be cleaned. It had three DVD's in. Two were removed easiliy but the last one would not come out. The nurses forced it and then I followed my mother along the corridor, she had the DVD and was going to clean it.

After the DVD had been removed from the pouch I felt like I had a more balanced view of life.

Someone damned that film I was watching, they said the place I was in was real and I did have to find my own destiny however with the DVD it would be very dangerous to stop watching the DVD now and unfortunately I would have to put it back in. I though I had been stupid and everyone was telling me I should never have started watching the film. I did not choose to start watching it though and I had no choice or warning. I felt everyone was looking down their nose at me though.

I woke up shortly after that, I had been sleeping very deeply and had not stirred. I was wet with sweat and had a stiff neck.

As I lie in bed getting comfortable again, I remembered I had not taken my tablets, I put the vivid dream down to this and the fact I had couple of glasses of wine. I thought about getting up to take them but decided not to as I was so shattered.

I started going back to sleep again but I woke up with a shock. What if I fell asleep and someone put the DVD back in. Maybe I would not let them take it out next time and I would be trapped in that world of looking to be a super hero, it would make me ill again. But I might no be able to take that CD out again!!

If I could not take it out I may never wake up again from that hell of searching or that hell of having to feed myself and make myself better. I woke up with a shock again and sat up quickly. I calmed myself down and told myself it was silly. But everytime my eyes started to close that fight or flight response kept kicking in. I was frightened to go to sleep incase I could not take the DVD out again, I would not beable to wake up if I did not take it out. If this was thes case I might go into a comma and never wake up! I then thought if I took the tablets and I have been drinking it may make me fall into that deep sleep / coma and I would never wake up!! I could not win!!

I got up in the end and took the tablets, I must have fallen asleep instantly after that. I slept through until morning.

I do not know whether it was a security in the tablets that made me fall asleep or the chemicals themselves. My psychiatrist said I can come off them after 2 years but I am even more scared about that now!!

It might be worth adding that when I was psychotic last year I did not sleep for over a week because I really believed that if I fell asleep I would die!!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Sport Relief Mile!!

I did it this morning in a realy good time of 10mins and 55 seconds. My pervious best time on the treadmill, which is easier was 12 minutes 27 seconds. I am really really pleased with myself!!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Every thing going well....

Poppy is settling in well, I was a little worried about her at first as she did not eat, drink, poo or wee for over 24 hours. She seems reasonably happy now and she has even ate all her dinner tonight.

I played football at lunch time, I nearly scored but my brain did not tel my feet what to do quickly enough and I lost the ball. My defence was ok again but I got hit in the face quite hard with the ball. It blocked a goal though! My department is through to the play off for the semi finals. Tomorrow is the play off and if we get through we will be playing a second game straight after. For the first game I will be a sub, and going on to give the others a break to get water etc. For the second game we will be a player down so I will have to stay on the pitch for the whole game. I am really enjoying it though :o). I spoke to the girl who arranges the training as I have not yet been. She said it keeps getting cancelled because everyone is on holiday but we should get a practice in soon.

My training for the sport relief mile is going well. Last Friday I did the mile in 12mins and 30secs on the treadmill. I bought a stop watch at the weekend and I have been running what I think is an approximate mile in the park every day after work as it is all up and down and a lot harder.

My time have been as follows;

Monday 14:18
Tuesday 13:54
Wednesday 13:11

If I manage to do the mile in less than 13 minutes I will be really pleased with myself, less than 12:30 I will be well chuffed. Under 13:30 I would be satisfied but over 14 mins I would be disapointed. I'll update this post with my time for tomorrow, I have not decided whether I will run or rest on friday but it will definately be lots of carbohydrates for dinner on Friday. I have also lost a couple of pounds this week which is a nice bonus!!! :o)

Sunday, July 09, 2006

My Cat Poppy

I have been feeling a bit lonely recently but today, My ex bought my cat around to live, I asked if I could have her back. He has had her since we split up but today I got her back to live with me.

I am not really suppose to have pets in my flat as Iam renting but I don't care as I have someone (even if they are feline) to talk to, play with and cuddle. She has only been here a few hours but she is starting to make her self at home already and she has been purring and having a good fuss too.

I am trying to work out if she remembers me, I moved out 15 months ago but she is still responding to me calling her and is quite happy with me picking her up

Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Knives

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the worse day of my life. No one outside the cyber world really knows what happened and how I felt that day. The 7 July 2005 was not only the day of the London bombings for me it was the day my anxiety crossed a line and I was no longer in control.

The live news coverage of the bombings gave me a few hours relief from the hell that was going on inside my head. I intended to tell people who read this about what happened to me that day but as I have started to type I am finding I do not want to remember.

What bought my thoughts back was slicing a tomato with a very sharp knife my Mum bought me for Christmas. I was looking for a knife that day as I wanted to cut my wrists, I did not have one sharp enough. As I got better I found I do not like having too many tablets in the house as I decided on that once I could not find a knife. When I was given the knives all I could think about was how easy it would be to slice flesh with them. The images come to my head each time I use them. The other day while washing one of them I got a very shallow cut on my thumb. The knives are a weapon I could use on myself if I ever get that low again.

I really want to get rid of them, as I know on that day, had I found one I would have used it to end my life. I did not want to wake up again, I swore in previous depressions I would not risk my life on a cry for help, I would have done it properly! I am frightened of getting that low again. I only buy small packets of headache tablets for this reason and I do not want a set of giant kitchen knives in my flat!!!

My mother would not have bought them for me had she known, she says they frighten her, if only she knew what they did to me! She spent a lot of money on this gift so what would I say to her next time she comes to stay and takes over my kitchen?

Sport Relief Mile

I am going to run the Sport Relief Mile on the 15 July. I need to work on my fitness for the footie and this will give me something to aim for.

If anyone is interested in Sponsoring me (or just discovering my true identity (aaggghhhh!!!) the please visit the link below.

>> link removed to protect identity <<

Wish me luck!!!

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

An update of the targets I set myself

1. Get a tattoo
I have put some more thought into this, I am thinking of a daisy, a daffodil or other flower (as long as it is not a rose that is too common) It will be 3 to 5 cm and on the back of my left shoulder. I need to visit some tatoo shops and find the right design next :o)

2. Buy my own flat/house with a garden and a gas cooker

I have got some advice from banks and stuff about how much I can borrow, the problem is I am going off the idea as I want tospend some money on getting my teeth fixed.

3. Go to New York

Hopefully in September?

4. Increase my social life

I have started this already, I am going to Salsa, I am going to start football training and I met some girls at a Social Anxiety meeting last weekend! I am meeting them again in a few weeks time.

New goals before I am 30.

5. Get my teeth straightened

- I went to the dentist last week for a check up to make sure my teeth and gums are strong enough. The dentist said he would be happy to make the referral to an othadontist and I am waiting to hear.

6. Train with the womens 5-a-side football team (soccer for you US folks :o))
- I'd would love to play in a real match but some of that is down to fate!

7. Start hosting dinner parties for my friends and family.
I am not quite ready for this as I want everything to be perfect. I am experimenting with my cooking in preperation.

8. Be able to say that Social Anxiety is no longer controlling what I do.

I am making really good progress with this and believe I willget there one day!!!