Saturday, December 05, 2009

Looking to the future...

I have been thinking for a while that I need a new challenge and a new focus in life. I have joined a social group and been out with them a few times. It is a really nice group and they do all sorts of activities. I have been out with them three times ow and I am going to go for a meal with them tomorrow evening.

I have applied for a new job. I had two telephone interviews last week and I have also done some psychometric tests online. The tests were really difficult though so I am doubtful I will get further. I really want to though as this sounds like the perfect role for me.

I am also seriously considering doing a trek to Everest base camp for charity next year. My Mum has offered to help me with the fundraising. I think it will be a great focus for me and take my mind off of work for a while and give me something to get fit for. I had a good work out at the gym this morning thinking about how I am going to to try really hard to get properly fit now.

I do feel a lot better now, I really need to enter a new phase of life. I was starting to feel fed up and bored. I would not say depressed, I just had nothing that made me want to jump out of bed in the mornings.

I plan to start posting regulary again too.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Being Blind and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I was lucky enough to visit the Dialog Museum (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.com/) earlier this month. I went with colleagues from work so we were in a relatively large group. You go into the museum and everything is completely black. You have a guide for the group who is blind and leads you through the exhibition. It was a brilliant experiance. I did not stop talking for the whole hour, I may have pissed people off because of it but in reflection I would not have swapped the experiance for anything.

It really made me reflect on social anxiety. If I sit there and do nothing and say nothing it makes me disabled. Taking away my vision and making me rely on talking to others to know where to go and having to use my voice to comunicate was enlightening. I could not watch and follow so I had to talk and ask.

As most of my job involves working on the telephone I may as well be blind in my dealings with other people. I need to speak up and ask for help when needed. Today I had a break through on applying the cognitive behavioral therapy I learned some years ago. I started to worry that my management were discussing me and both planning what to say to me and when to deal with me as I was being needy. I asked one if they were coordinating their responses and when he said no I was able to completely break that cycle of automatic negative thoughts :o).

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I am a bubble of enthusiasm, excitement and energy
constrained by a world of regulations, traditions and responsibilities

Friday, June 12, 2009

I'm still about

Just to let you know I am still here. I'm feeling a lot better now and back in remission. I was depressed from the end of November until about April. It was the first significant episode since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Looking back I guess going toGermany for the day and looking after my Mother while working full time was probably a little eccentric.

I'm back on loads of medication and sleeping far too much. I'm definitely a lot more settled tho' and I have stopped crying on my way home from work! It's not much of a choice to sleep 11 to 12 hours a night or be suicidal every other day! I guess sleeping is the best option tho'. But, I am just sleeping my life away and there is so much I want to do. I'm still much better off than before diagnosis, one episode in 3.5 years compared to 3 in about 4 years is not bad going.

Life goes on and I feel a little stronger and a little more stable after each episode, I feel older and wiser and less disturbed by other peoples opinions of me. Depression is like an education which people who have not been there can never comprehend. I am spending a lot of time reflecting on whether I want to remain single indefinitely or whether I want to find a nice understanding and caring man who I can smother with love ;o). I do not seem to be short of offers but no one has tugged my heart strings in just the right way.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

suicide...

Sometimes I think about taking my own life, I think once you have made serious plans and really contemplated the idea it will always return as a way out when things are unbearable. In my mind when I get anxious about a perceived situation which may or may not happen, suicide comes to mind as an emergency exit strategy for an unbearable life.

Depression is a danger to me as I may become delusional or paranoid that something is happening or about to happen when really it is not even on the cards. If I think life is unbearable due to an imaginary situation then suicide would be a mistake.

On the other hand, if life really ever did become completely unbearable and my perception of that unbearable situation was correct then I would want to make the decision about whether to stay on this earth. The real threat is delusional and irrational thoughts that make me perceive bad things are happening when really they are not. The real threat to me is not suicide as there are worse things in life than death.

Sometimes suicidal thoughts are quite natural to me, when thinking if this happens I'll do that. When there are no bearable 'thats' suicide is an option which relieves anxiety. Once I know and feel in control of that option I can move on and start to think of better alternatives.

To threaten suicide to get help would be counter productive in my case. I fear getting sectioned, going back to an NHS hospital where in the past my freedom was taken from me without just cause. If sectioned the suicide option is removed and I could end up in a worse state of anxiety. If I talk of suicide family can have me sectioned, so to actually talk about an iminant plan for suicide would be a mistake.

Talking about suicide may sometimes be a call for help, but I think it is a really desperate one and I have promised myself never to do it as a call for help. My life is too higher price to pay to get the input and friendship of others. Tho' help is really difficult to get at times I want help from people who care and not those who do not want the suicide of someone on their minds. Also you can scream from the hill tops, "HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME!!" but how can people help? Drugs are the best option for me as it give me time out as time to sleep!

Saturday, January 31, 2009

I'm bored....

I don't often get bored but if there is a normal I am guessing this is it. I don't feel anything but I actually quite like it...

throwing away the pills....

I just flushed away the pills I bought the other day. I had to think about it for a little while tho'. I know you can not buy more than one box at the time. I was going to collect one box at the time until I had enough. I thought I would just start a collection incase one day I want to do it. But today I am in a good place and the depression has once again passed. I may collect some again in the future but today I don't want them in the house today...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Paranoid...

I have just read through my posts for the last month. When I getreally low I do get a bit delusional and paranoid. I was convinced someone would read my blog and no it was me. I was also so convinced that my line management hated me, I was a nuisance to the department and they were trying to upset me as much as possible in the hope I would resign. It seems a bit silly now but I was so upset and wanted to know what I had done wrong. In reality nothing had changed.

I still feel my ex-boss is a total idiot. I have managed not to even make eye contact with him all week. I feel so much better. I think it is just a personality clash but as I do not report to him any more I don't think I will make the effort to be civil anymore. I will say good morning and be totally professional when we need to work together. I will not try and help him at all or try to make him understand when he gets the wrong idea. He is no longer my problem as I am no longer his.

I feel released as I no longer care for what he thinks of me, he can do and say what he likes now and as I no longer have one ounce of respect for him, I don't think I care!! I have got more from my new supervisor in 2 weeks than he has given me in 12 months!

My blog may vanish again tomorrow, I've been up and down so much I don't know where I am. Today I feel calm tho' and this is the first time for quite a long time.

I've missed everyone, I hope you all come back...
I think I have got through 12 hours without a major cry or an hyperactive period. I hope all the hell is starting to pass...

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Mixed Episodes....

I'm cycling all the time at the moment. One day I am buyng extra pils and the next day someone says something nice and I feel that lovely flight in my stomach. I'm going round and round every other day! It has to end somewhere...

They say rapid cycling is four episodes in 12 months. What the hell is this then!! I'm guessing the depression has turned into a mixed episode :o(.

I thought this was nice..

There comes a point in your life when you realize
who matters,
who never did,
who won't anymore...
and who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.


'Be kinder than necessary
because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Just been to the pub. I had to come home because I could not stop shaking. I'm definitely unstable and I do not think I will ge to work this week. I am sitting next to my mother and she has no idea how shaky and unwell I am. She still denies there is anything wrong with me.

I am not sharing my blog incase I decide to end it all. No one will take that decision from me! I will not allow it! I have no definitive plans at the moment!

NO ONE WILL TAKE AWAY THE LITTLE CONTROL I HAVE!! I WILL NOT ALLOW IT!!!!
The happiness was short lived. I can't remember what I called my ex boss on Friday but it was not polite. It was followed by "I am glad I no longer report to you, and I will keep all comunication minimal and professional from now on". I almost hope I am disciplined for this. I do not think it would be grounds for out right dismisal but a written warning would not surprise me at all!

My mood is so low I just keep staring at the walls. I keep getting dressed and going through the motions just for something to do. I bought a box of paracetemol at the garage when i filled up with petrol. I think I'll collect a few more so I have a way out if things don't get any better.

I'm shouting and screaming for someone to talk to me at work but the more frustrated and upset I get the less I can comunicate. My boss is in Germany now, the languauge and geographical barrier is far greater than I ever dreamt it would be. I can't keep going like this much longer.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Happier...

Yesterday I got home from work and suddenly felt a lot brighter and happier. Everything at work came more easily today and I even participated in the meetings. I hope this is the start of a happier period. I hope it lasts a while...

I didn't like being private, the therapeutic value of telling the world disapeared!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Gone Private

As I have now shared my diagnoses with my management the risk of someone from work stumbling across my blog has significantly increased. Therefore I have gone private for a while. I liked being public, it was good therapy talking to the world. I'm thinking of talking about work less and goingpublic again in a few months. I'll just see how it goes...

Anger!!!

My ex-boss is either a complete total tosser or he is taking advantage of my low mood and lack of confidence. I like to think good of people so I am going with the first option with a little bit of ignorance on his side. But God I feel vulnerable and unhappy. I did not realise people could be like that and I have never felt such hatred for anyone before. I have never hated anyone so much....

Everytime I talk to my sister she naggs that I m not talkative, that I sound tired and tells me off for not looking after myself. Is this what family support is suppose to be like!!! I want to throw things at her.

I don't feel there is anyone in the world who I can talk to :o(

Friday, January 16, 2009


Life is so much easier,
I'm getting through my work,
eating sensibly,
keeping the place tidy.
But GOD I AM BORED!!!


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Sedated...

I have been taking extra Quetiapine and today I have reached a happy state. I think about all the troubles, all the changes at work, the closer supervision and the thoughts leave my mind as soon as they enter. To hold any thoughts in my mind I have to struggle and put some effort in.

I'm happy for now. I feel so much better and relaxed. I'm still a little concerned about work but maybe not concerned enough rather than too much, or maybe just the right amount of concern, who knows!!! This is bliss. I can rest. It is just like my brain has gone on holiday.

I'm starting a list of things I need to talk to my new supervisor about next week. My manager has not said anything about my diagnosis, I'd prefer to know a little about whether he is being sympathetic or just looking at this as another problem to overcome. Still a little anxious here.

I've decided to ask for help when needed and believe me if their attitude towards me changes I will take it all as far as I possibly can through any courts that will listen and the legal system. I'm sedated but not stupid and not a push over. This being patient and waiting is only possible because of the meds.

I'm worried that I am too self centred too! All my effort goes into managing the illness I don't often get time for anything else. I went to see my friend tonight but I could not talk to her and she did not appear interested.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Positive Action

I took 300mg of quetiapine again last night. I took 200mg at 9.30pm but when I was still awake at 11pm I took another 100mg. I finally got to sleep after midnight but I did sleep well.

I got to work quite late. This morning I sent my health details and the 'reasonable adjustments' I think would help me to my manager. I mentioned the flexible working hours for the mornings when I am drowsy as well as the need to be clear when giving feedback and putting all feedback into context.

I found this website really helpful...
My manager thanked me for my openess, said there is no need to apologise for getting upset the other day and said he would take sometime to think about it all carefully.

This afternoon I went to see my psychiatrist and discussed recent events. I am going to permanently increase the quetiapine and it is ok to take a little extra when needed to help me sleep.

I'm going to the gym tonight! I hope I have hit rock bottom now and things will start getting better!

Monday, January 12, 2009

That's it!!

I'm sick to death of fighting. I'm depressed, fed up and give up!!
I've had enough of fighting this depression and I am now going to do nothing. I don't want to be a vulnerable victim so I will just give up and take loads of medication and sleep!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

a bit better today...

I've had a better day to day but I still feel so low. My confidence has had a major knock as it all relied on work and my success at work. Now I know that those who built my confidence did so on a wonky foundation. I am not good, at least not as good as anyone else in the office. They have been so patronising saying yes you are good, just not as good as me and not as good as anyone else because they are just better. So where does that leave me!!!!

I've had friends round this afternoon, we went for dinner. One of my friends stayed a bit longer and we went for a drink. I talked a bit and again it is helping me get things back in perspective.

I took extra quetiapine last night to help me sleep. I do not like the dizzy sensation it gives me. I'm staying completely off alcohol for the time being. I will take extra quetiapine again tonight just to make sure I sleep. When I woke up this morning my limbs were so heavy but today my mind has rested.

Tomorrow I am going to the gym and in the evening I am going o a pub quiz with a friend. I am still trying to keep busy and get things back into perspective.

Work sucks and I am angry at some people. I guess it is better I am hating them than hating myself. I like my job and other colleagues just a few have been arseholes.

I have been let down by those I rely on....

I finally managed to pin my supervisor and line manager down and discuss my job title. I learned that they have no problem with my performance or my ability but it as just not as good as anyone elses in the department. I also learned that they have every faith in my ability but I have not been given the opportunities to develop further. And whose bloody fault is that!!!!

At least I now have something solid I can work with and now I am extremely angry with those I trusted. I blame them. I was stupid enough to trust these people and when they told me I was doing well I believed them. When it came down to putting anything in writing they could not show I was as good as any other. They say I am good at what I do but have not been given the opportunities. I am so angry with these people. Why didn't they tell me I could do these things better and show me how. I feel so vulnerable and I feel these people have taken advantage of me and my need for their approval.

I have a job I love and they are asking what they can do to help. Or some anyway. A colleague rang me when I was very upset this week and his concern both surprised and showed me that on some level he cares. Even if he was more worried it was personal than for my welfare he has been kind. My old supervisor although caring does not hide the fact that it is a part of his job and any support stops at 5pm. My manager has seen childish aggressive behavior from me and I do not think he understands why. My new supervisor is yet to realise what hell she is in for.

The sallary is good, the flexible working is essential with my medication and this is all in the past. I believe altho' this mapping process is tough and unfair there is now a structure to change things. Do I flee in anger and start job hunting or do I stay in an enviroment I feel has been bad for me and stay with I have taken advantage of me. The interview process maybe worse tho'.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

My Plan for getting help...

If there is cause for stress,
  1. I will approach the person who can help.
    I will listen to the response and try not to think too much.
  2. If can not take a rationale approach I will talk to my new supervisor.
  3. If this does not help I talk to my old supervisor
  4. Next the occupational health nurse
  5. Next an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist
  6. Next my GP through the usual roots
  7. NHS direct
  8. A & E
  9. Psychiatrists emergency number
In all instances I must break the cyclie of automatic negative thoughts! I'll read up on some techniques for doing this myself too!

Loosing Control.....

I came so close to loosing control and letting things run away with me yesterday. I don't know what to write first, there is just so much. All my senses are now on edge to try and recover what is true and what thoughts have been the result of my mind racing and going over automatic negative thoughts.

Here's a few thoughts I have which I think are still rational...
  • I get just enough strength to do the next task, no more and no less.
  • My job is in no danger from any of my actions, despite any current changes in the department.
  • My tasks may change but my sallary is secure
  • My sallary is secure and therefore my flat, gym membership and independence is secure
  • I will not give up any of my control or independence without a fight. I will not let anyone take these from me.
  • I will not work past 6pm during this stressful period
  • I will continue to ask for and demand help as needed. I will be specific about the help needed to prevent any over crowding.
I WILL KEEP CONTROL OF MY LIFE!!!