I have been thinking for a while that I need a new challenge and a new focus in life. I have joined a social group and been out with them a few times. It is a really nice group and they do all sorts of activities. I have been out with them three times ow and I am going to go for a meal with them tomorrow evening.
I have applied for a new job. I had two telephone interviews last week and I have also done some psychometric tests online. The tests were really difficult though so I am doubtful I will get further. I really want to though as this sounds like the perfect role for me.
I am also seriously considering doing a trek to Everest base camp for charity next year. My Mum has offered to help me with the fundraising. I think it will be a great focus for me and take my mind off of work for a while and give me something to get fit for. I had a good work out at the gym this morning thinking about how I am going to to try really hard to get properly fit now.
I do feel a lot better now, I really need to enter a new phase of life. I was starting to feel fed up and bored. I would not say depressed, I just had nothing that made me want to jump out of bed in the mornings.
I plan to start posting regulary again too.
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Being Blind and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
I was lucky enough to visit the Dialog Museum (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.com/) earlier this month. I went with colleagues from work so we were in a relatively large group. You go into the museum and everything is completely black. You have a guide for the group who is blind and leads you through the exhibition. It was a brilliant experiance. I did not stop talking for the whole hour, I may have pissed people off because of it but in reflection I would not have swapped the experiance for anything.
It really made me reflect on social anxiety. If I sit there and do nothing and say nothing it makes me disabled. Taking away my vision and making me rely on talking to others to know where to go and having to use my voice to comunicate was enlightening. I could not watch and follow so I had to talk and ask.
As most of my job involves working on the telephone I may as well be blind in my dealings with other people. I need to speak up and ask for help when needed. Today I had a break through on applying the cognitive behavioral therapy I learned some years ago. I started to worry that my management were discussing me and both planning what to say to me and when to deal with me as I was being needy. I asked one if they were coordinating their responses and when he said no I was able to completely break that cycle of automatic negative thoughts :o).
It really made me reflect on social anxiety. If I sit there and do nothing and say nothing it makes me disabled. Taking away my vision and making me rely on talking to others to know where to go and having to use my voice to comunicate was enlightening. I could not watch and follow so I had to talk and ask.
As most of my job involves working on the telephone I may as well be blind in my dealings with other people. I need to speak up and ask for help when needed. Today I had a break through on applying the cognitive behavioral therapy I learned some years ago. I started to worry that my management were discussing me and both planning what to say to me and when to deal with me as I was being needy. I asked one if they were coordinating their responses and when he said no I was able to completely break that cycle of automatic negative thoughts :o).
Saturday, September 19, 2009
I am a bubble of enthusiasm, excitement and energy
constrained by a world of regulations, traditions and responsibilities
constrained by a world of regulations, traditions and responsibilities
Friday, June 12, 2009
I'm still about
Just to let you know I am still here. I'm feeling a lot better now and back in remission. I was depressed from the end of November until about April. It was the first significant episode since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Looking back I guess going toGermany for the day and looking after my Mother while working full time was probably a little eccentric.
I'm back on loads of medication and sleeping far too much. I'm definitely a lot more settled tho' and I have stopped crying on my way home from work! It's not much of a choice to sleep 11 to 12 hours a night or be suicidal every other day! I guess sleeping is the best option tho'. But, I am just sleeping my life away and there is so much I want to do. I'm still much better off than before diagnosis, one episode in 3.5 years compared to 3 in about 4 years is not bad going.
Life goes on and I feel a little stronger and a little more stable after each episode, I feel older and wiser and less disturbed by other peoples opinions of me. Depression is like an education which people who have not been there can never comprehend. I am spending a lot of time reflecting on whether I want to remain single indefinitely or whether I want to find a nice understanding and caring man who I can smother with love ;o). I do not seem to be short of offers but no one has tugged my heart strings in just the right way.
I'm back on loads of medication and sleeping far too much. I'm definitely a lot more settled tho' and I have stopped crying on my way home from work! It's not much of a choice to sleep 11 to 12 hours a night or be suicidal every other day! I guess sleeping is the best option tho'. But, I am just sleeping my life away and there is so much I want to do. I'm still much better off than before diagnosis, one episode in 3.5 years compared to 3 in about 4 years is not bad going.
Life goes on and I feel a little stronger and a little more stable after each episode, I feel older and wiser and less disturbed by other peoples opinions of me. Depression is like an education which people who have not been there can never comprehend. I am spending a lot of time reflecting on whether I want to remain single indefinitely or whether I want to find a nice understanding and caring man who I can smother with love ;o). I do not seem to be short of offers but no one has tugged my heart strings in just the right way.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
suicide...
Sometimes I think about taking my own life, I think once you have made serious plans and really contemplated the idea it will always return as a way out when things are unbearable. In my mind when I get anxious about a perceived situation which may or may not happen, suicide comes to mind as an emergency exit strategy for an unbearable life.
Depression is a danger to me as I may become delusional or paranoid that something is happening or about to happen when really it is not even on the cards. If I think life is unbearable due to an imaginary situation then suicide would be a mistake.
On the other hand, if life really ever did become completely unbearable and my perception of that unbearable situation was correct then I would want to make the decision about whether to stay on this earth. The real threat is delusional and irrational thoughts that make me perceive bad things are happening when really they are not. The real threat to me is not suicide as there are worse things in life than death.
Sometimes suicidal thoughts are quite natural to me, when thinking if this happens I'll do that. When there are no bearable 'thats' suicide is an option which relieves anxiety. Once I know and feel in control of that option I can move on and start to think of better alternatives.
To threaten suicide to get help would be counter productive in my case. I fear getting sectioned, going back to an NHS hospital where in the past my freedom was taken from me without just cause. If sectioned the suicide option is removed and I could end up in a worse state of anxiety. If I talk of suicide family can have me sectioned, so to actually talk about an iminant plan for suicide would be a mistake.
Talking about suicide may sometimes be a call for help, but I think it is a really desperate one and I have promised myself never to do it as a call for help. My life is too higher price to pay to get the input and friendship of others. Tho' help is really difficult to get at times I want help from people who care and not those who do not want the suicide of someone on their minds. Also you can scream from the hill tops, "HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME!!" but how can people help? Drugs are the best option for me as it give me time out as time to sleep!
Depression is a danger to me as I may become delusional or paranoid that something is happening or about to happen when really it is not even on the cards. If I think life is unbearable due to an imaginary situation then suicide would be a mistake.
On the other hand, if life really ever did become completely unbearable and my perception of that unbearable situation was correct then I would want to make the decision about whether to stay on this earth. The real threat is delusional and irrational thoughts that make me perceive bad things are happening when really they are not. The real threat to me is not suicide as there are worse things in life than death.
Sometimes suicidal thoughts are quite natural to me, when thinking if this happens I'll do that. When there are no bearable 'thats' suicide is an option which relieves anxiety. Once I know and feel in control of that option I can move on and start to think of better alternatives.
To threaten suicide to get help would be counter productive in my case. I fear getting sectioned, going back to an NHS hospital where in the past my freedom was taken from me without just cause. If sectioned the suicide option is removed and I could end up in a worse state of anxiety. If I talk of suicide family can have me sectioned, so to actually talk about an iminant plan for suicide would be a mistake.
Talking about suicide may sometimes be a call for help, but I think it is a really desperate one and I have promised myself never to do it as a call for help. My life is too higher price to pay to get the input and friendship of others. Tho' help is really difficult to get at times I want help from people who care and not those who do not want the suicide of someone on their minds. Also you can scream from the hill tops, "HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME!!" but how can people help? Drugs are the best option for me as it give me time out as time to sleep!
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