Saturday, August 30, 2008

I dumped him!

I had to dump the guy I have been seeing. I just knew it wasn't going anywhere and it had to be done. I feel so bad because he is a nice man and for various reasons a little vulnerable when it comes to relationships. It just was not right though and I felt it would be unfair to lead him on any longer. I did it face to face though, a first for me. I still feel really rotton though.

Not much else to say really, I keep clinging to my belief it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. My parents reinforce this belief nearly every time I see them. I have also spent the few months since I have moved looking forward to a single life and starting to date again now I am more confident. I am going to sign up for the next Speed Dating night, I like the idea of a bit of dating, meeting different men, nothing too serious...

I hope my Mum is not right and I hope I will not be an old maid... I'm still looking for my Prince and my happy ever after... Maybe I wont find my FairyTale though.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Is there really anything wrong with me...

The week before last I was at the gym every night my mood was NOT particulary high but I was feeling fat and frumpy and thought the exercise might help. By last week I stopped the gym each night. I could not get up to go to work in the mornings so getting to work late meant I had to stay late to get the work done. I spoke to my boss yesterday and discussed working at home for some of the time this week just to get life back on track. He agreed without any resistence, he just asked me to make an appointment with occupational health as a follow up.

The thing is though, have I just got behind at work because I have been staying up late at night. My mood has got worse because I have not been eating properly and I'm just over tired and a bit fed up or have I got myself into a hole because my moods were not stable in the first place.

I wonder if I just hide behind my diagnosis as it is easier than sorting my life out. Everyone has moods and I am just wondering if I suffer anymore than anyone else. I have a comfy job, working from home 50% of the time right now. I feel really lucky. I feel a bit worried about taking advantage and using my illness as an excuse for poor performance at work.

I have also been wondering about diagnosis, is there really anything wrong with me. Do I just make too much fuss about small fluctuations in my mood or do I really need to be aware of my moods and manage them.

I'm so pissed off with this label, if you are told you are sick in the head and your thoughts are distorted how are you ever suppose to trust anything you think again! Justbeing given this label is enough to screw you up for life even if you are perfectly well!!!

I think I spend too much time analysing my moods and just need to let go. I really fear being psychotic again though!


Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A new relationship, a BIG risk to find LOVE!

I'm still fed up, work is really difficult at the moment and everything is going wrong. My mind is just numb.

I'm still seeing that guy I mentioned a few posts ago. We had a really nice weekend and are planning to meet again on Sunday. I'm just taking things one day at the time and trying to enjoy it. It's nice to have someone about who cares for me and someone I care about.

I am quite screwed up when it comes to relationships. My parents have not shown each other any affection since I was very small. It seems to me that they can not bare to be in the same room as each other. My Mum seems to despise my Dad and is really nasty and spiteful to him. He just takes it all and rarely retaliates. My eldest sister (who is a half sister) says that my Mum married him for a meal ticket as she was a single Mum. I know my grandparents told her not to marry him because she would always regret it. From what I can remember they liked my Dad very much and I never heard a bad word, from them, against him. I wonder if she had doubts from the start?

All I can think about is being stuck in a relationship and not being able to get out, just like she is. Last year when I was dating someone who was completely wrong for me my Mum told me that I was stupid to dump him because I was not getting any younger and there might not be anyone else who wanted me. Maybe I should just not take her relationship advise and leave it at that.

I have been thinking about visiting my Grandparents grave. I have never done it before however, sometimes when I was very upset I would feel like my Nan was there. Shortly after my Grandad died I felt he was there too. I have not felt their presence for a few years. I wonder if I would get some comfort from visiting their grave? When my Grandad died my mood was all over the place. It was shortly before I was first diagnosed with depression. I wore a yellow jacket to his funeral, I don't think he would forgive me or understand!

I am also screwed up from the one serious relationship I have had. I was emotionally dependent on someone else. I hid behind him and would not do anything alone. I never want to be like that again. It took me years to really get over him dumping me. I'm a bit nervous of falling in love with someone and being dumped! However, even that has to be better than being stuck in a relationship without love.

This man is nervous of failure and thinks rejection is failure. To me failure is making the wrong decision and ultimately being unhappy myself or hurting him. The earlier you get out of a relationship the less hurt but if you get out too soon without finding out if you might have a future you are on your own forever. I think maybe we might have a future.

I want it to work, I want a secure loving relationship with a future. I want to share the ups and downs of life and I want someone to share the mundane routine with. I know I need to let go of the anxieties and just get to know him and find out if he wants the same things as I do. I have now started caring enough not to want it to go wrong.

I wonder what it would be like to have a 'normal' confident life. The early days of a romance are suppose to be a whirl wind of pleasure!!! Oh why oh why!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Friday, August 08, 2008

"I doubt sometimes whether

a quiet & unagitated life
would have suited me
- yet I sometimes long for it."

Byron 1788-1824

Thursday, August 07, 2008

feeling miserable

Here's a photo from my hols, a traditional English seaside holiday! Hopefully to cheer up the post...

I have internet access back, had it for about 10days now. My mood is all over the place as there is a man about who I'm not sure whether is interested in me and I am not sure if I'm interested but think he seems really nice and I'd like to find out. I'm feeling particulary low tonight. I had a few days off work after my holiday as I was really low. Then decided to sort myself out have buzzed non stop for the last few weeks and now my mood has crashed again.

I wish I knew what normal was, maybe this is normal?? Maybe I just try to hard to feel better when I am feeling normal. Maybe that is what sends me hypo! I think the key is to just accept my different moods, not hate them and not fight them! I don't think there will ever be a man who can cope! Isit even fair to impose my moods on others?