Saturday, November 29, 2008

Uncertainty at Work

Things have been going wellfor a while now. I am still on the lower doses of quetiaine and sertraline. I have been seeing the psychiatrist a littlemore frequently recently but the letter he wrote after my last appointment said "Annie is doing well and her mentalhealth is stable".

I have has the brace off my teeth for a few weeks now and I am pleased with the result. I do not feel self concious about smiling in front of strangers or in photos at the moment. The only thing that worries me about smiling in fron of friends is that some people want to gawp into my mouth! I mean is this normal behavior! I personally think it is an invasion into my perseonal space. I have been refusing to open my mouth!

Work is really demanding as usual. I have been working quite long hours and bringing work home in the evenings. I know this is not healthy but I care about my work and cannot leave it if I have not given it my best.

Today has been a tough one. I have been to Germany for the day. I am over tired now after being up 21 hours (it is now 1am) . I have been in bed about an hour and just cryed a lot. I think, mainly, I just need a good nights sleep.

I'm feeling very paranoid. I am wondering if those I trust and respect at work care about me at all. I am fighting the urge to try and mind read and reminding myself to take people at face value. It is hard at he moment due to certain stresses.

My supervisor, who I use to idolise, seems to be really struggling these last few months. I have been wondering if I would be better off with a different supervisor who could help me more effectively. I have heard from an indepenent source that I am not the only one who doubts his ability and is struggling to work with him. I have also heard a rumour that my manager is thinking about reorganising the department and removing some of his responsibilities, including all his direct reports.

I cannot get the idea out of my head, that if he is an inadequate supervisor that maybe the encouragement he has given me over the years was unfounded. Even worse, if the department is reorganised I may loose my studies and the people I work well with. He has been asking my favourite colleague why he likes working with me. What if my manager is thinking about finding someone else he would equally like to working with!

I know I am over tired and in the morning this may well sound crazy. Problem is if I turn off the lights I will just lay awake crying again. I wish I had someone to hold me, protect me and love me no matter what!