Sunday, December 16, 2007

feeling awkward

I found my blog on a Medical Information site and I have noticed it is quite easy to find on google. I have been thinking about people I know stumbling across it for quite a while now and wondering how I felt about that. I don't think I mind but I would want to know they have read or are reading it regulary. I need to make sure I think about what I am posting. Anyway, that's why I have changed my blog a bit!

I wanted to post about a stupid email I sent to someone at work, it has been worrying me all day. It has been a stressful time recently and my colleagues and I have been working long hours. One particular guy who has an awful lot of responsibility. He is really nice and shows me a lot of support and respect. When he gets stressed he can be uite hard to work with. This week he was being particulary negative and I asked him to try and be more positive. To give him credit he really behaved differently for the last few days. Anyway quite late yesterday evening we had achieved what we had been working really hard towards for the last few weeks. I was quite relaxed and he sent me an email asking if I had received an important message and whether I could send confirmation. Of course I sent it straight away and I asked him if he was taking time off this weekend. He said yes, he was spending it with his children. Ireplied with one word 'GOOD!!! :o)'. I have been feeling really anxious all day that he might think I meant it was good he was taking the time off because he had been grumpy. That was not what I meant at all, I just meant good because I could sense he was stressed. I sent a careless email before that hurt his feelings, he did not tell me for two days. I am now worrying that he might have taken the 'good' the wrong way. The more I think about it the more I feel that way. I hope I have not upset him. We work really well together and I have a whole lot of respect for him, probably more than anyone else I work with. He shows me so much support I would never want to hurt his feelings but I fear he is quite sensitive :o(.

I think I am having a bad day, not only can't I get that out of my mind but I also became paranoid about a FunWall post on my facebook account. It was something about finding out who had a crush on you. I sent it on to some friends just to see what it was like. Problem is I unselected one person I used to have a serious crush on. I then became really paranoid that he would find out and things would be awkward. Then I became really paranoid that the people who wrote the email had carefully manufactured it and now this person would know I had a crush on him and even worse than that, think I still had the crush.

I think I am loosing my grip today. I am trying to forget about the email I sent yesterday and get things into perspective. If possible I will check he didn't take offense on Monday.

I think I might take my meds and get some sleep....

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Guest Book

I am curious about who is reading my blog, I have found it on a few websites and a few people have left me comments. Raine is my one faithful reader but who else is out there?

Please leave me a comment, tell me who you are, where you are from and what you think of my blog?

I have noticed a few students leaving comments, do you have anymore questions? How did you find my blog.

Instructions if you recognise me...

WARNING: I express my feelings openly in this blog, I talk about some very dark years in my life and my experiances of self harm and suicidal thoughts, don't read any of this if you don't want to. If you have recognised me it might be tempting (it would be to me!) but be strong and turn away now if you don't want to know.

Ok, here's the story. I started this blog in 2006 and I have kept it going far longer than I expected I ever would. I have started to find it more and more easily in google searches and even through a few links on relevant topic pages. In an ideal world it would be totally annonymous but as we live in the real world some people who know me well or have a lot of contact with me may recognise me through my actions, my experiances or my behavior. This message is for all those people....

Number one; say hello in a comment otherwise contact me through facebook (using my real name) or by email and let me know you have read this, I really don't mind. If you want to approach me face to face that's ok too but please warn me in advance.

Number two; don't feel you have to discuss any of the content with me, try not to feel awkward. I really don't mind people knowing about my past problems or my current battles and I know the internet is a public place. If you do want to talk about it that's ok too.

Number three; I often use this to vent, if you recognise yourself keep in mind that I don't worry what other people think of me anymore and I don't judge other people. The hardest part of what I have been through is believing other people don't like me. This has tortured me in the past and I never want any of the people around me to feel like that. Yes, I get frustrated with people ocasionally but I'm human and it never lasts. I am a person who loves my family, friends, colleagues and acquaintences. I don't want them to feel the slightest hurt. (maybe the meds I take keep me well sedated)

Number four; Don't talk about me or my blog to other people who know me, even if you are saying nice things this tends to make me very paranoid and uncomfortable.

Number five; Read the About Me post for my reasons for writing this blog, and yes I know the risks. But I want others to understand what I have been through and what I am still going through, I want to help people who are suffering and help their family and friends to understand.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

So much for family support....

Work has been a real nightmare, I am so busy I am working every hour I can, I don't have any clean clothes, I have just done the washing up after 2 days of leaving it, I am living on takeaways and starting to feel my grip going. I have not even thought about Christmas and have had to cancel my time off work next week.

I thought, I know, I will ask my Mum to come and stay either this week or next, just for a few days until I am back on top! Just to help me out for a day or two, my Mum and sister are always saying they are here for me and let them know when/if I need them. But rather than her helping (the first time I have ever asked after two and a half years) she cancels the one day she was going to come and help me get a Christmas tree.

I'm thinking of cancelling Christmas this year! I can't cope and all I get is hassle. It even seems like a hassle to receive presents, my sister wanted to know exaclty which colour and make of lounge suit to get me, in the end I said forget it get me slippers (she was getting annoyed that I would not go into shops and try them on, I have not had time) now she is emailing me pictures of slippers.

If I go quiet and need a rest and want to be left alone they ring me 10 times a day. The first time I have ever asked for help not only does my Mum say no but she cancels the one day she was going to come anyway. This is when I need the help, I have a career I love and I am having to choose between managing my illness and my career. I can't go on sleeping 10 hours a day and working 12 hours a day. If I only slept 7 or 8 like everyone else I could work 12 hours and keep on top of looking after myself.


The people I work with are lovely but I don't want to tell anyone why I am strugling. My boss is the only one who knows my history and he is off on holiday. That leaves my business partners and I really don't want them to know.

Saturday, November 24, 2007


I feel really stressed and agitated. I went to Germany for work this week, I have had a good week and am doing well at work. I don't know what has caused this but I feel really shaky. I have just taken one of my quetiapine tablets early as I am shaking as I write this. I have no idea what has triggered it. I don't even know what I feel shaky about. I have just had a lazy day, sat and watched TV. I have not had a lazy day for a long time but I just felt so tired. I wish I was not on my own! I'm not even thinking about much!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

My Mood Diary

3 - Happy to the extent it interfers with life
2 - Very happy and a good mood
1 - Quite satisfied and content
0 - Feeling nothing
-1 - A bit low
-2 - Very low, not doing anything
-3 - Thoughts that I don'twant to continue with life

I have been keeping a mood diary for a couple of months. The major problem with it is that whenever I start to get a bit happy I can't keep still or keep a thought in my head. Filling in the spreadsheet is impossible to remember. When I do remember I tend to dismiss it quite quickly as a waste of time thing think I don't need it anymore. I do notice the highs if they are followed by a low, I then look back to when I had an organised thought and put that date in as normal mood.

I would like my mood to be between 2 and -2 at all times!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Moving on....

Can I give up looking for someone without giving up hope I will find someone and the dreams of a family? I am gong to start looking for a flat to buy, I am gving my notice on the long term savings tomorrow. I want to stay in the town I am in now, and still quite central.

I decided to sell my car a few weeks ago after it cost me another £400 on sevicing. It is worth about £4,000.

This would really give a little more towards a flat. I think having my own place with a small garden would allow me to make a home again. I also like gardening and just sitting outside so two hobbies in one there. Living in rented accomodation just never feels the same. Not being able to customise the decor.

I think I will just concentrate on loving the friends I already have. I just don't think I have any really close friends. The only person I have ever been close to is my ex. I do have more aquaintence type friends to pass the time of day with ever before. I chat to people on the bus and go for coffee with colleagues. There just isn't really much outside work.

I love my job though and that is my life. I can't imagine feeling so forfilled and stimulated outside work as I do at work. Work does tend to send me hypo a lot of the time though. I need quiet time outside of work to reset my mood.

I think I could forget about looking for Mr Right if I had my own home to give my life outside work some meaning. I could start to build a future and start imagining my future alone. I really struggle to do this at the moment. I could cncentrate on improving the quality of my home. I also have my career where I love the people I work with. Not sure they would ever want to see me outside working hours though :(.

I have tried looking for Mr. Right but I thinkit is time to start imagining a future alone. I never used to be able to think about that but it is starting to get easier now buying a flat seems to be within my reach.

Tomorrow I go to the bank to give notice on my savings, I am alsogoing to register with a few estate agents. A part of me feels sad that I am commiting to a life alone for at least a few more years. It feels like a BIG step.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Depressed now

I feel really low now, I have just curled up and cryed the last few evenings but I am feeling slightly better at the moment. I am just sick and tired of being single. I want some company in the evenings, someone to give me a hug share my tryumphs and help me through the tough times.

Is that too much to ask. I think I am feeling low as I have just discovered a man I liked is married. I no longer have those little day dreams so I am eating instead.

I think I need some new hobbies, something to get me out in the dark evenings and something where I am likely to meet youngish, single, intelligent and handsome men. Anyone got any ideas before I eat myself into stupidity. I have given up on internet dating. I might try speed dating again just to get out the house. I tried salsa dancing a while ago, I might try that again.

I feel very misserable, this is the longest depression (about 4 days) which I have had since June.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( ): ): ): ): ): ): ): ):

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Being Hypomanic

My mind races, my thoughts come so fast that I keep inturrupting and talking over people which I feel bad about straight away. By the time there is a pause in the conversation my mind has moved at least three more questions. I have to write everything down as the questions come up otherwise I have forgotten them by the time I get chance to speak, the questions come back later and the frustration starts because I have not got my point across when the opportunity was there. I am juggling everything, it is all in perfect control and I see everything perfectly clearly. When hings go wrong I sometimes see it as the inefficiency of others due to their lack of ability to function at my speed. I excel at work and get frustrated with anyone who slows my progress without good reason.

The downside is I talk to myself constantly, a constant slow murmour. People have started to comment. I am about as junior as it gets for the job I do and my frustration at the slow speed of a large organisation takes to make the smallest of decisions is unbearable. I want to go and fix everything!! I can't even wait for my supervisor to check his calendar when I need some of his time, that in itself gives me the internal fight of whether to push or not. I like to push but that causes friction.

I even eat as fast as I speak and get horrible heart burn. My mind keeps going at 100 miles an hour until the evening comes and I drug myself (presciption drugs for my condition). I am asleep with in the hour, by the next morning my mood is quite normal but throughout the day my mind starts to race and we cycle again.

I can no longer go to the evening meals after a long days meeting. It does not allow time for my speed to reduce to sleep and allow me to recover for the next day. This makes me feel isolated from my colleagues but if I went I would get to the exhaustion and then depression and burn out. My 'stay well plan' is to sleep well and stick to routine.

This illness is a big blessing as I experiance life as a roller coaster rather than a merry go round but it is also a curse that prevents really close relationships with others. Most just don't understand.

I look my meds about 20 mins ago and at last I can start to rest until tomorrow!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Support Network Gone

I have had a few months where I have been hypomanic for about 50% of the time. Now that is over I seem to have lost the good support network I had. It's hard to get it back :o(

I guess this is my lifetime struggle, no one elses. Other people and friends will come and go through my journey but the bipolar will always be there. Still it is a part of who I am and I must ride out the flat times.

I feel quite low, nothing too severe, just empty and wondering if this is how everyone else feels all the time or whether I am really low. I still feel blessed to experiance life in such an animated way, I still wouldn't stop the illness even if I could!

I have had a bad day at work, struggling with my boss. He treats me like a second class citizen and I am afraid it has got to the point where I can not talk and pass the time of day with him without him jumping on everything being patronising and even insulting. Interfering on with my working relationship with colleagues.

I don't think anyone is out there anymore.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Changing Meds

I saw the psychiatrist last week and he has reduced my sertraline from 150mg to 100mg because I am having too many hypo episodes. I have been taking the lower dose for about 5 days. I feel quite empty and possibly a little depressed. I wonder if it s the change in medication or whether I am just cycling. not even sure if I am just in a normal mood or slightly low. I don't think I know what normal is like anymore. I am still takng the Quetiapine and have no plans to reduce that ever!! I am feeling quite fed up and almost want o be hypo again! I'm just really fed up with it all at the moment.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Controlling happy thoughts

With automatic negative thoughts I have become used to recognising the negative thought patterns overtaking and learnt to distract myself. With the happy thoughts and my mind racing I find it far more difficult to distract myself. What everI do seems to be at super high speed and slowing down these thoughts are impossible.

I have not had a lasting depression fo a long time but the highs are still bothering me. Everything goes well for a while and then I realise I have not been doing any of the basic chores in life. I have no clean clothes, rubbish piled high and realise I have been eating out everyday for a week because I have not been shopping. It gets to the extent that I head off to the supermarket, decide to eat out on the way and then go to the supermarket and buy far too much butno a single square meal. This can happen a for days at the time.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Video Camera

I'm feeling a bit tired and getting paranoid at the moment. I can't wait to go on holiday.

I have been on a training course for the last few days. It was filmed so it can be broadcast on the internet. I was comfortable with this because when I watched a course on the internet, which was run by the same people, and the audience were not filmed.

Today the audience were filmed. I was a bit anxious but I handled it. I was put on the spot and had to come out to the front of the room while being filmed. The good news is that I did not panic or blackout but could notanswer my question when everyone else had answered theirs. At the end of the course the organiser asked that if anone did not want to appear on the video to contact him.

I left some quite strong comments on the feedback form saying we should have the right not to be filmed and we should have been warned about the filming. I said the filming will deter me from attending future courses. I feel embarrised for making a fuss. I left my comment annonymously but I am still getting anxious and paranoid about any discusions of comments they may have. I'm not sure which is worse.

I alsoworry about appearing on the inernet film. I am not sure what would be worse though, being disguised and the only person disguised so people who knew I was there would know it was me or just letting it happen. I will probably let it happen but feel very cross I that I have had to make the decision.

Comming home I got a bit hypo with unrealistic expectations of my self and started to over genralise about what 'they' would say about the head case who got stroppy about the camera. I also got quite emotional about people taking the piss in the past and if 'they' had not done this the camera would not be an issue. I'm not even sure if anyone took this piss in the past or whether I was delusional with my depression for a long time.

Anyway, I must get some kip.
PS. Gorden Brown is now PrimeMinister

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

30 on Friday

well on Friday anyway!!

Goals I set for before I was30.

1. Get my teeth straightened

I'm half way through the treatment and it is all going well

2. Train with the womens 5-a-side football team (soccer for you US folks :o))
done, I'm playing in the interdeparmental game again this summer, it starts tomorrow

3. Start hosting dinner parties for my friends and family.
Not done much really, I don't have many friends to invite round

4. Be able to say that Social Anxiety is no longer controlling what I do.

Well I am well on the way, I can say Social Anxiety does not control me, I'm not particulary anxious but I am still very lonely. I have started dating though.


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Embarising Moments

I used to pass out quite a lot, always extremely embarising.

1. At school about aged 14 or so. We were watching a video about the innerintestines. My Mum always told me I was not to watch these incase it made me pass out (wise in her day, in heinsite this probably made me worse) Anyway I passed out in front of the whole class and apparently fitted.

A few weeks later in the same class, same teacher, a boy came to swap a video. The teacher said to the boy in front of the whole class not to make a fuss as someone might pass out. The whole class laughed at me :o(

I did not know very nice people back then!! People are much nicer these days. I am well clear of that village, that school and those people.

2. I handed a peice of course work in for my MSc. In the lecture everyone was talking about something that was really obvious and I had not done it. I had another panic attack. I fainted in front of the class. Luckily my fellow students were a lot nicer than the people at school and genuinely concerned. I lt the room and threw up several times in the corridor. I lied and said I was feeling rough from a virus.

3. I got a tiny cut working in a bakery for my school work experiance, aged 16. It was a thin scatch that did not fully break the skin but I fainted. I went home after I fainted much to the bosses annoyance. The remainder of the time I was there I was not allowed to use a sharp knife and as one of my duties was slicing baguettes and spreading garlic butter my colleagues made a big deal that I was not to touch the sharp knives and they had to do it for me. My SA was extremely bad at this time and I did not speak to any of the other staff for the three weeks I was there. I still get angry that I went to my GP and the school knew but I was never offered counselling or any help. I was in the early 90's though.

4. Finally passing out and throwing up due to panic all over the optician. Medical people always made me worse.

I have not passed out for about seven years now and lead a pretty normal SA free life. I sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself about how life treated me for the first 23 years of my life :o( but no way am I going back to that dark place.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Stuck in a situation :o(

I just had an evening in where I met someone from a dating website. Problem is he is genuinely a nice guy who is the perfect gentleman and bought me flowers and the oldest wine from his collection but I do not think I fancy him. We snogged for a bit but he did not get me excited. He is comming back tomorrow and I think I am going to have to end it. I have seen him three times now but I do not think there is any future in it. I am thinking more about how I am going to wake up in the morning for work than I am about him. I think tomorrow night is going to be extremely difficult.

Maybe I should let tomorrow happen, and then break over the weekend as I have plans and naturally I would not want to see him. Maybe after the break I should make my decision. He is a lovely genuine man but does not excite me. Maybe if I give it another evening, but I really don't know. Love does not hapen over night so maybe I should give it a bit longer.

I do not want to be on my own for life but neither do I want to be stuck with the wrong person.
My mother has always resented my father and no way do I want to be in that situation. What to do??

It is early days, he is the perfect gentleman and I do not want to be old and alone wondering what might have been. :o( I do not feel threatened by him in any way so maybe give it a bit longer.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

"God leaves a trail of bread
crumbs to help us find our way"

Friday, June 01, 2007

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

It’s not true. Names do hurt and produce emotional scars that stay within the soul for life. A woman could not escape the bondage of a name her father gave her when she was a child: “The devil’s daughter.” She was freed from it eventually, but not without hours of counseling and struggle. Unkind words are like deadly missiles that penetrate all the soul’s defenses and blast a hole in the personality that may take years to repair. On the other hand, words that are encouraging can lift and cheer the soul in a way that is quite amazing. C. E. Macartney tells how he saw sitting on a bench a minister whom he had known. The man was well advanced in years and broken in health. As a result of his condition, he had given up his church and was unable to participate in any kind of pulpit ministry. Macartney says, “I turned to speak to him, expecting to hear from him some word of melancholy, reminiscence or present gloom, but I received a pleasant surprise. He told me that a woman going by had just spoken to him and told him that a message he had given many years ago had been the means of bringing her to Christ. The glow on his face was something I shall never forget.” How wonderful it will be if today you and I can say a cheerful and encouraging word to someone that will lift their burden, lighten their darkness and minister the life of God into their soul. At least let’s try!"

by Ayo Ashanti

Friday, May 18, 2007

Me Me...

Twenty Things I love
  1. The effect of a glass of wine
  2. The feeling of being loved
  3. My Friends
  4. My Family
  5. Little Children and Babies
  6. A Relaxing Evening In
  7. My Bed
  8. My Cat
  9. My Independence
  10. My Job
  11. My Smart Car
  12. Helmans Mayonaise
  13. Lakes and Mountains
  14. Sunshine
  15. Rain
  16. Thunder Storms
  17. The Smell of Frost
  18. Deep Snow
  19. Running
  20. Straight Teeth

Twenty Things I hate
  1. Arguments
  2. People Sulking
  3. Arrogance
  4. Judgements
  5. Creulty
  6. Suffering
  7. Tension
  8. Hate
  9. Pychosis
  10. Pychiatric Hospitals
  11. General Practitioners
  12. Waiting Rooms
  13. Waking Up
  14. Office Politics
  15. SNAKES (any thing without legs really)
  16. Debt
  17. Vomit
  18. Poo
  19. Washing Up
  20. A Mess
Five Things I love to Hate
  1. Bipolar Disorder
  2. Meeting New People
  3. People in General
  4. Colds and Flu (I like duvet days)
  5. Working Weekends

Monday, May 14, 2007

Community and Friends

Life has been going really well recently. I have started to see the world in a different way; I have much happier perspective on life.

One of the key differences I have recognised in the last week or so is the difference between being a part of a community and being friends with everyone.

The people I smile at, catch the bus or train with, the neighbours I recognise but do not speak to are all apart of various communities. I do not need to be friends with all these people and it does not matter what all these people think of me. To be accepted into the community is a nice thing that is very important to me but I do not need all these peoples approval to be a part of their communities.

Then I have my friends. I care what these people think and they also are a part of the wider community. These are the people I talk in depth with, the people I care about and who care about me. They will not judge me for not agreeing with them and as they are chosen friends we are more likely to agree. They may reject me as friends but I have a lot of other friends. This rejection is not the same as being an outcast to the community.

I used to want the approval of everyone in the community, this will never happen and not something I really want anymore. Realising I can be a part of communities and belong without everyone’s approval on everything or being friends with everyone has given me a huge sense of belonging.

Writing this down seems like stating the obvious but it is something I have not realised before. I have had a very dark miserable view of life and it has made me ill in the past. These little realisations are changing my life completely.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Getting on with life....

The date with the very nice guy went well, it was a really pleasant day but I will not be seeing him again. He was a General Practioner (GP) so unfortunately the subject of my illness came up rather sooner than I would have liked. I have always thought that I will not tell people (potential partners) until I have to but nor would I hide it or lie to them.

I was a it blown away by the fact that a doctor would be interested in spending some time with me and getting to know me. He was not all that great though. I expected him to be intelligent but he knew nothing more than learned facts, he did not seem to have an understanding of science, medicine or life. In the cold light of day he was not so great.

I do have several other men lined up :o). I met someone today and spent the afternoon sitting in a pub garden drinking lemonade and then off to a coffee shop. It was a really nice afternoon but there was no chemistry between us. He said he would call me or email me if I would like to meet again. I said that would be nice but I do not think I will followup. He was nice enough though.

I feel like I am in a good place at the moment. I can go out and meet people and enjoy the company. I just hope that one day I will meet someone special.

I had the day off work yesterday. An old university friend came to visit. It was really nice to see her. She got married about two years ago and we have not seen so much of her since. She comes from an Indian family and had an arranged marriage. We thought she was very happy as that is what she had always wanted. She lives with her husbands family and it seems like her mother in law has been giving her a hard time. She enjoys looking after her husband and having a traditional housewife role in her household but her mother in law seems to have been taking the piss and putting her down a lot. Never happy with her and always saying or impling she was not good enough.

She does seem to love her husband though and he arranged some counceulling for her and she has started to regain her own identity and see her friends again. I hope that now she has identified the fact that her mother in law has been putting her down unfairly she will be ok again. I told her she is always welcome to come and stay or visit me. I hope she will be happy now though!!

I told her I understood and that there were people like that in the world and infact my mother is quite like it. Where her mother in law tells her that her make up is not good enough and she let down the family she believed it. It was the same for me. My Mum used to tell me that I spoilt all the photos I was in by not smiling properly. I would not show my teeth as I felt ugly. My Mum reinforced my beliefs by telling me I spoilt photos. My friend had never come across people putting her down before. She was always told how beautiful she was when growing up. Less than two years of being with her mother in law has put her in counselling.

I do not understand how people can be like that, how can they live with themselves after messing with someones head. How dare people put others down because they think they are better than them.

I never have connected with my mother and have never been close to her. Since letting go a little and accepting that she is not always a nice person it has allowed my confidence to grow. I like to think my Mum puts me down due to her own insecurities and anxieties. She claims that she loves me and I believe her. But how can someone be so distant and have such little understanding for their children? I feel very sad that I will never be close to her but I have to keep my distance for my own well being. She does not put me down so much these days but she treats my father like shit. I find it difficult to be in the same room as her :o(. Does that make me an unloving daughter?

My sister is just like her, putting me down and expecting me to live to her 'high' standard of remembering every birthday, easter, anniversary and special ocassion. If I forget she rings me and lays on the guilt trip. How dare she treat me with such little respect. I have changed in the way that I will not take it from her anymore. She has her own problems with her anxieties but I can not live with the burden of her troubles. As much as I love my mother and my sister I do not always like being with them. Since I have loosened the ties and not let them make me feel bad I have been a lot happier myself.

To be fair my mother is much better than she used to be, but I feel she neglected my emotional needs as a child. She always says that all children need is love. I disagree, children do need love, but that is not enough, they need to feel that love every day, they need
to feel accepted for who they are and be given balanced emotional guidance to help them find there way in life. My mother always loved me but I never felt loved!

Although I would like to discuss this with her and reslove it I do not want to make her feel bad. She did and does love me and I think it would devastate her to know how I feel. I would like to be closer to her and the only way that will ever happen is if she could start to understand how I felt growing up. I do not want to hurt her that much.

I wish I could be close to my mother, she loves me but does not know me or understand me. I do not think she has the capacity for that! :o(

Thursday, April 12, 2007

A Date

I went on a date last night, someone I met online. He was attractive intelligent and respectful PLUS he wants to see me again!!!

All the other people I have met over the last year or so I just haven't been able to imagine a future of any kind with. This guy was really nice, I was comfortable with him and enjoyed the evening. It went really quickly.

I am trying not to get too excited or carried away, but even if this man is not the one, it has given me hope that I can be happy in a relationship!!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I'm Back!!!!!!!!

I am finally back, after a long long time. First my PC went wrong and then I cancelled my broad band and then I got my PC back but could not get online. I have just finished installing all the new software and I now have both the broad band and the PC at the same time!!!!

Getting my new phone line and broadband service installed this morning led to my first panic attack for ages as I shut my finger in the front door while seeing the engineer out!

The thing is I felt the door closing and I was trying to hide my pain as I saw the guy out. By the time he had gone (which was only a second but felt like an hour) my nail got a big black patch of trapped blood. I don not know whether it is more concerning that my instinct is stronger to avoid embarisment than injury or whether I had a panic attack. :o)

I'm ok again now though although my finger is very sore!!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

New Years Resolutions - 1 month update

My new years resolutions have been going really well up until when I went away this week.

  • I have lost about 4 lbs (and not put any back on this week)
  • I have had a friend around for coffee last Saturday, she stayed for a few hours and we chatted.
  • I ate in everynight
  • Took sandwiches to work
  • Washed up before bed
  • Tidied up before bed
  • Cut my spending (I found a mistake in the electric bill - I have £200 to come back)
  • I am also using less electricity than before (good for the enviroment too!!)
  • Cancelled my broard band (I do not have a computer)
  • Been to the gym regulary (also found out I get get a discount through work!!)
  • I have been straigtening my hair regulary, this and my teeth improving has given me a little confidence in my appearance1 :o)

Overall I am feeling quite good about myself!!

The gap between my front teeth has closed! I also went to the psychiatrist about two weeks ago and he is very pleased with the insight I have into bipolar and social anxiety and is convinced I will stay well. He said I could change my check ups to annually but I am really a bit scraed of the illness still so I am sticking to every three months.

All in all the start of the year has gone very well. I am going to join as all I need is love and a baby and life would be perfect.

Mr Apparently Creepy Guy is off the scene. He asked if we could meet again, I told him I would love to but nothing is going to happen because I did not fancy him. I have not heard from him since. :o(

Working too hard!!

I have been away for work this week, I really enjoyed it but I fear I became a bit hypomanic and was disruptive. I hate being like that because unlike when I feel low my mind works so fast that I do not realise that my judgement has become impaired. If only I had stopped and thought!

I flew up to Edinburgh Monday evening and I got home Thusday evening about 10 pm. I had to get up and be back at work by 9:30 on Friday morning. I over did it got very stressed and did not realise what was happening until I found myself crying for stupid things while I was at work yesterday.

What got me so stressed out was rumours flying about regarding the reorganisation of the department. I worked with two people in my small team within the department for most of last year. They were my boss and one temporary member of staff. I had a great year, I felt I had a lot of support and working with these people was well within my comfort zone. It was announced that two more people would join our small group from yesterday. They are based in other european countries so it would involve some virtual collaboration. The temporary guy who I sat with and worked with for most of last year would be moving to a different group. I did not realise how worried I had become about the changes.

I sat with the two new people at dinner and made an effort to start getting to know them. I felt like I could cope with the changes and I would still have the support of this small group even if a few people changed.

I had about 10 to 11 hour working days all week, (I count the socialising that we are encouraged to do too as this is very draining and not at all relaxing for me!)

Thursday morning we were told that our new group would have lunch together, this is when I flipped!! I started asking my boss loads of questions about the rumours I had heard, putting him on the spot in front of everyone and giving him some very direct, nasty and harsh feedback in front of others. All he did in return was be nice to me and I was really using him as a punch bag!!! The harder I punch the more he tries to build my confidence, I feel really bad now, I made him look bad in front of his new employees. The truth is if I talk to other people while I am stressd they try to emphasise which really does nothing for me. He discusses issues and treats me with respoect which makes me feel a lot better. I just hope I do not wear out my punch bag and hope it is tough enough to cope. I know no one else who can make me feel better in this way, I wish he was my friend and not my boss!!

The hypomanic bit came in as many senior management and directors were there. I though well I always get good feedback from my participation in these meetings so this is an excellent opportunity for my career. As I focused on this I started to believe that the new people in my very small support group were not an issue and I would lead the group and be an important member of the group. I have not really been ambitous in the the past but I have enjoyed working on operational projects. In the last few years all these projects have been given only to group leaders, therfore I have become more ambitous as I would like to be involved in them again.

While I was trying to cease the opportunity I became very focused and my objective became obsessive, my opinion was no longer balanced, I fear I have made a fool of myself :(! I convinced myself that I would be a group leader and it was only a matter of time, I have switched roles in my department and someone from my old role said he wanted to see me sitting up there with the group leaders. I think that was another trigger.

While I was kicking my punch bag (my boss) he said he had been very proud of my contribution to the meeting over the past few days, that just makes me feel worse for being so mean. I think I probably looked a lot worse than him for using my punch bag in public.

Next time I will stop trying so hard, what will be will be!

I came home from work sick yesterday as I kept crying. I spent about 24 hours watching TV and sleeping, I think the one thing I can change next time is to get more sleep and not go to the pub or drink in the evenings. I so enjoy it though!!! My mind can just not cope though :o(

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

New Years Resolutions

Things I want to work towards.
- lots more friends, some friends I can ring and say, hey, do you want to go to the pub tonight!! (hence no. 2 below)

- loose weight, my medication made me put on a stone so I am going to have another attempt at shifting it!

- be happier

Steps I am starting with

1. Start going to the gym again, (2 or 3 times a weeks) I managed this reasonably well until my car troubles. My car is now fixed so no excuses!

2. Invite people round for coffee and even proper dinner parties. I did one with my friends and parents last week and I have invited someone from work for coffee. This is a huge thing for me but an important step I think.

3. Try to be more organised with housework. I made laods of lists and planned what days to do each on, it has gone pear shaped today as I has Mc Donalds and now I am in the internet cafe. I put clean the bathrooms today so it is not all lost, I can do that in 15mins as I did the ensuite on Monday!! Health eating has gone out the window today, I must make sure I have a few ready meals next week!

4. To help with no. 3 I have put daylight bulbs in my bedroom and in one bathroom. I have also ordered a daylight lamp for my desk at work. So far this has given me more energy in the evenings so I am going to buy more bulbs for the hall way and living room. I only seen to be able to get old fashioned type bulbs at the moment, no hallogen bulbs and no energy saving bulbs - does anyone know if anyone makes them?

Just a quick footnote: A friend has taken my laptop away to have a look at it, if he can fix it I might get it back next week. I am really really missing it!!