Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Video Camera

I'm feeling a bit tired and getting paranoid at the moment. I can't wait to go on holiday.

I have been on a training course for the last few days. It was filmed so it can be broadcast on the internet. I was comfortable with this because when I watched a course on the internet, which was run by the same people, and the audience were not filmed.

Today the audience were filmed. I was a bit anxious but I handled it. I was put on the spot and had to come out to the front of the room while being filmed. The good news is that I did not panic or blackout but could notanswer my question when everyone else had answered theirs. At the end of the course the organiser asked that if anone did not want to appear on the video to contact him.

I left some quite strong comments on the feedback form saying we should have the right not to be filmed and we should have been warned about the filming. I said the filming will deter me from attending future courses. I feel embarrised for making a fuss. I left my comment annonymously but I am still getting anxious and paranoid about any discusions of comments they may have. I'm not sure which is worse.

I alsoworry about appearing on the inernet film. I am not sure what would be worse though, being disguised and the only person disguised so people who knew I was there would know it was me or just letting it happen. I will probably let it happen but feel very cross I that I have had to make the decision.

Comming home I got a bit hypo with unrealistic expectations of my self and started to over genralise about what 'they' would say about the head case who got stroppy about the camera. I also got quite emotional about people taking the piss in the past and if 'they' had not done this the camera would not be an issue. I'm not even sure if anyone took this piss in the past or whether I was delusional with my depression for a long time.

Anyway, I must get some kip.
PS. Gorden Brown is now PrimeMinister

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

30 on Friday

well on Friday anyway!!

Goals I set for before I was30.

1. Get my teeth straightened

I'm half way through the treatment and it is all going well

2. Train with the womens 5-a-side football team (soccer for you US folks :o))
done, I'm playing in the interdeparmental game again this summer, it starts tomorrow

3. Start hosting dinner parties for my friends and family.
Not done much really, I don't have many friends to invite round

4. Be able to say that Social Anxiety is no longer controlling what I do.

Well I am well on the way, I can say Social Anxiety does not control me, I'm not particulary anxious but I am still very lonely. I have started dating though.


Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Embarising Moments

I used to pass out quite a lot, always extremely embarising.

1. At school about aged 14 or so. We were watching a video about the innerintestines. My Mum always told me I was not to watch these incase it made me pass out (wise in her day, in heinsite this probably made me worse) Anyway I passed out in front of the whole class and apparently fitted.

A few weeks later in the same class, same teacher, a boy came to swap a video. The teacher said to the boy in front of the whole class not to make a fuss as someone might pass out. The whole class laughed at me :o(

I did not know very nice people back then!! People are much nicer these days. I am well clear of that village, that school and those people.

2. I handed a peice of course work in for my MSc. In the lecture everyone was talking about something that was really obvious and I had not done it. I had another panic attack. I fainted in front of the class. Luckily my fellow students were a lot nicer than the people at school and genuinely concerned. I lt the room and threw up several times in the corridor. I lied and said I was feeling rough from a virus.

3. I got a tiny cut working in a bakery for my school work experiance, aged 16. It was a thin scatch that did not fully break the skin but I fainted. I went home after I fainted much to the bosses annoyance. The remainder of the time I was there I was not allowed to use a sharp knife and as one of my duties was slicing baguettes and spreading garlic butter my colleagues made a big deal that I was not to touch the sharp knives and they had to do it for me. My SA was extremely bad at this time and I did not speak to any of the other staff for the three weeks I was there. I still get angry that I went to my GP and the school knew but I was never offered counselling or any help. I was in the early 90's though.

4. Finally passing out and throwing up due to panic all over the optician. Medical people always made me worse.

I have not passed out for about seven years now and lead a pretty normal SA free life. I sometimes feel a bit sorry for myself about how life treated me for the first 23 years of my life :o( but no way am I going back to that dark place.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Stuck in a situation :o(

I just had an evening in where I met someone from a dating website. Problem is he is genuinely a nice guy who is the perfect gentleman and bought me flowers and the oldest wine from his collection but I do not think I fancy him. We snogged for a bit but he did not get me excited. He is comming back tomorrow and I think I am going to have to end it. I have seen him three times now but I do not think there is any future in it. I am thinking more about how I am going to wake up in the morning for work than I am about him. I think tomorrow night is going to be extremely difficult.

Maybe I should let tomorrow happen, and then break over the weekend as I have plans and naturally I would not want to see him. Maybe after the break I should make my decision. He is a lovely genuine man but does not excite me. Maybe if I give it another evening, but I really don't know. Love does not hapen over night so maybe I should give it a bit longer.

I do not want to be on my own for life but neither do I want to be stuck with the wrong person.
My mother has always resented my father and no way do I want to be in that situation. What to do??

It is early days, he is the perfect gentleman and I do not want to be old and alone wondering what might have been. :o( I do not feel threatened by him in any way so maybe give it a bit longer.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

"God leaves a trail of bread
crumbs to help us find our way"

Friday, June 01, 2007

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.”

It’s not true. Names do hurt and produce emotional scars that stay within the soul for life. A woman could not escape the bondage of a name her father gave her when she was a child: “The devil’s daughter.” She was freed from it eventually, but not without hours of counseling and struggle. Unkind words are like deadly missiles that penetrate all the soul’s defenses and blast a hole in the personality that may take years to repair. On the other hand, words that are encouraging can lift and cheer the soul in a way that is quite amazing. C. E. Macartney tells how he saw sitting on a bench a minister whom he had known. The man was well advanced in years and broken in health. As a result of his condition, he had given up his church and was unable to participate in any kind of pulpit ministry. Macartney says, “I turned to speak to him, expecting to hear from him some word of melancholy, reminiscence or present gloom, but I received a pleasant surprise. He told me that a woman going by had just spoken to him and told him that a message he had given many years ago had been the means of bringing her to Christ. The glow on his face was something I shall never forget.” How wonderful it will be if today you and I can say a cheerful and encouraging word to someone that will lift their burden, lighten their darkness and minister the life of God into their soul. At least let’s try!"

by Ayo Ashanti