Sunday, October 29, 2006

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Disapointed :o(

I thought I was getting the first half of my brace fitted at the orthadontist tomorrow but I got the day wrong and it was today. I missed the appointment! I was really disappointed and cried. I have been waiting twenty bloody years for this brace and was so looking forward to it. I was teased so much at school and not for prominant teeth but for not getting them fixed!! I have felt so much more confident since I made the decision to get the brace and I thought once people can see the brace I no longer need to be ashamed of my teeth!!

I hate my teeth and I have forever. I remember being about 8 years old and going to a disco with a friend, I did not realise it was for the village pageant(?) and for the Queen and Princesses at the fete. I refused point blank to have my photo taken and sat at the edge of the hall. When my friends Mum 'B' picked us up she told me not to worry and she would speak to my Mum. My Mum said there was nothing wrong with me and even told me that she had told B I did not want to be in the parade!!! In fact I did not even realise what the photos were for and the idea of strangers looking at my ugly face and laughing was enough to make me freak out.

Before that I used to refuse to smile with my mouth open since my front teeth first came through. My Mum would tell me I spoilt all the photos because I pulled a silly face!

It was all suppose to come to an end tomorrow and now I have to wait another month!! I have been so looking forward to it. It feels like I have been living in a dark dark place and have been counting down to escaping and now I have to wait another month.

My Mum apologised to me for not taking me as a child. B took me when I was about 13 but the dentist would not refer me without a parent or guardian present. You can get it done free o n the NHS until you are 16 but it is considered cosmetic for adults. It is only this last year that I have had the confidence and ability to even discuss my teeth.

My Mums apology was about the guilt she felt due to it costing me over £3k. It had nothing to do with the fact I have felt ugly, inferior and worthless for 20 years and as my parent and carer she did nothing to help me despite B having tried.

I was just smelly, awkward, moody and stubborn to her. She is staying with me at the moment but I had to leave my own flat to be alone to cry. My sister rang and my Mum told her what happened. My sister asked if I cryed and my Mum told her of course not, I was disappointed but did not cry!

My Mum has no idea who I am and does not know anything about who I am. I cannot forgive her; we have a relationship based on false beliefs. I would not have it out with my Mum now, as I do not feel there is anything to be gained. She will either deny it or be really sad. I do not think I could ever forgive her, I feel like she neglected me!!

I found out a little while ago that my eldest sister had a brace, which makes me even madder at my mother as she did not bother with me.

I could moan forever, but I will post again tomorrow instead!

I also went to the psychiatrist today, he is changing my anti-depressants/ anxiety medication as he feels the social anxiety is still impacting my quality of life as I have to pre plan phone calls and conversations. Also, when talking to people my instinct is to escape. I then sit on my own wishing I had some company :o(. He also said because of my history I will be on medication for some time yet.

I feel really low at the moment! I'm off to bed!! I have my Mum staying until Saturday, I have had enough already and she only came today!

Friday, October 20, 2006

feeling crap again

I have had a very busy hectic week at work, I have worked over 50 hours this week.

Had a strop at work this afternoon and cried. My boss stayed late with me until 8pm to get through the min that I had to do to take next week off

The cats fur has fallen out around the base of her tail. I am going away for a few days and need to get her to the cattery by 10am. I have not cleaned her litter tray for a few days so I am worried that it is my fault! I am going to try

At least I have next week off work, I am taking my nephew out on Monday and Tuesday! That should be fun. He will be three soon!

I am going to look up Gullivers Land before I go to sleep!

Friday, October 13, 2006

feeling better :-)

The someone else has been in touch, don't want to say too much! I feel a bit better about things though.

We have swapped email addresses now so I hope we will be friends. If anything else is suppose to happen it will! I must not think about it too much though!

I slept in as I could not settle last night. I'm going to get dressed and go to the gym now. This evening I am going to my sisters to watch a film in her home cinema. It has just been built :o)

The guy I met speed dating is still sending me text messages on my phone, I'd meet him as friends as he eemed nice enough but I don't fancy him.


I need a hug, I just want to hold someone close to me and I want to be held.
I feel really lonely and miserable.


I feel low and miserable, whats the point to life?

Thursday, October 12, 2006


I want the someone else, I don't think I have ever felt like this before but I hardly know him. I'm trying not to think too much but I hope I see him soon.

I hardly know him so I have to stop thinking about him.

I never really loved my ex. in this fancying way. I was infatuated with him, I loved him yes and I still care for him but I was not in love with him. You can not love someone else until you love your self, I'm learning to love myself and it isopening up a whole world of new emotions.

I just want to talk to the someone else, even if nothing happens I feel like I could connect with him on a level I donot connect with other people.

My heart is aching but I MUST stop thinking!

He probably does not like me anyway but I wish I just knew, the more I think the more hurt I will be when I find out he does not like me.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Automatic Negative Thoughts

I have just spent the evening with my friend, she gave me some photos of her baby. I was really pleased she let me have them and I was making plans of where I was going to put them.

I put the photo on the seat next to me and drove home. On the way home I stopped at the fisn 'n' chip shop to get some food. I got in the car and placed these too on the seat next to me. I worried for an instant about the greece going through but decided they would be ok because the chips were well wrapped and a little greece would wipe off in worse case scenario.

When I got out of the car I found that the heat from the chips had melted some of the print on the photos. Ok it was sad but only effected one of the pictures, I still had all the others.

I was sitting on the floor eating my chips from the paper and I knocked my drink all over the photos. It has ruined the whole lot :o(. The ink has washed off :o( !!It has ruined the whole lot. To just rub salt in the wound the print from the photo is all over the rug I scrubbed on my hands and knees last week.

My automatic thoughts are just 'you never look after anything, you are so careless, x won't give you anymore, she should have given them to someone else'

I feel so miserable about it!! :o(

I'm trying to fight the automatic negative thoughts but I'm so tired I just want to cry.

Still no word from the someone else, and the other guy seems to have lost interest too. I am destined to be alone forever.

Maybe it will seem better in the morning!

Monday, October 09, 2006

Someone Else

There is someone else I like. I think they are probably quite a bit older than me but I don't care. I have met him a few times but just as we started to hit it off the anxiety got the better of me and I left before I realised what I was doing. The flight bit of the fight or flight syndrome got me :o(. I sent him a message yesterday and I hope he replies soon.

Can not really be more specific as it is possible he knows about my blogg. I hope he replies to my message soon.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Stood Up

My date did not show up, he said he did not think we had any firm plans. HaHaHa. WhenI sent him a text he said he was still at work. This was my biggest concern about dating him was that he was a workaholic.

Just after we arranged the date he was asking some questions about bra size and stuff, I did not answer him because I didn't want to give him the impression he would get something he was not going to get. I humoured him a little though, without giving anything away. I got fed up with it and said 'there is nothing likegetting to know someone mind'. Soon after that he went very quiet and said work was busy.

He asked if we could still meet another night after he stood me up. I put two and two together and reacted by saying 'No, I'm not a quick Sex/fix'. Oooops. I felt quite annoyed with myself afterwards and wish I had just left it at 'No, I don't think so'.

He said that's not what he wanted and asked if he could make it up to me and I said I would look forward to that. I am not going to contact him, I am going to leave the ball firmly in his court. The fact is I have only met him for 3 minutes and I am not that interested. Also when I met him he said he worked long hours and I thought that would get in the way of any kind of relationship, and guess what, it has before e even went on a first date!!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

I have a date tonight

Speed Dating was quite successful for me this time, I did not have any dating matches but got 6 friendship matches. I did not actually tick anyone for dating.

Anyway to cut a long story short one of the people I ticked for friendship ticked me for dating (I think) and we are going out on a proper date tonight. We are meeting near here and going for a meal at Nandos and then going to the cinema.

I'm a bit nervous but I feel more confident than usuall because I don't really care if it goes anywhere or not.

I went to the drama group again last night, it was nice and I have started to join in singing in the chorus. I think I will enjoy it especially as the show gets closer. I'm still the quietest person there by a long long way but I am having fun. I'm no too interested in the Pub afterwards, the people are nice enough but I was just not enjoying it, I think I will just stick to rehearsals in future.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Football Practice

I went to football practice today for the first time ever. I layed a few times in the summer for an interdepartment team at work. I posted about it. It did me a lot of good at the time and I think it will begood for me again. If I get good enough I might get to play in the womens five-a-side team.

I really enjoyed it but it was really clear that I was the most unfit person their. It was great fun and I am definately going back next week.

I thinkthe exercise has really done me some good as I have been feeling very lethargic recentlt and when I got home today I got a lot of the jobs done that have built up over the past few weeks.

I am going Speed Dating tomorrow, last time I went Ihad a full panic attack and fainted!! I hope that does not happen again!!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Sunday Night

I am slowly getting back into the routine of things after my holiday. I had a very slow week at work, I just found it really difficult to motivate myself and get back into things. I did a sickie on Friday as I over slept and felt quite down as I had made a big mistake on Thursday and I felt like everyone would be pointing fingers :o(.

I went to the Orthadontist last Wednesday, I will have a brace for between 18 and 21 months. I get the bottom fitted the last week of October and the top in the first week of November. From what he was saying I think I am going to have to get up 10 minutes earlier just to clean my teeth. After 7 months I will also have to have elastics which will need taking out when I eat and changing every day. I thought wearing a brace was going to be a little uncomfortable but I did not realise it was going to be quite so time consumming!

I was suppose to go to a drama group last Friday but I did not go as I had not been to work. I was also hoping to go to the pub today to meet some people from SA - UK but that all fell through because of a lack of interest.

I had my sister and her husband to dinner last Tuesday, they brought their old TV over for me :o). I have set up the surround sound now and it is really good for DVD's. It is a proper size TV, a hundred times better than my old 12 inch portable. I was worried about cooking dinner for them as they are both vegetarian and my brother in law is a particulary fussy eater. Things went well though, I made vegetable lasagne with rocket and parmasan salad followed by home made chocalate mousse. They seemed to enjoy it :o).

I have spent over £100 this weekend and that does not include my usuall food shopping and petrol. I spent £50 on clothes and shoes in the NEXT sale as well as buying a new mobile phone and sending my sister some flowers to say thanks for the TV. The Orthodontist will cost me £3050 and I spent nearly £1000 going to Dubai. I need to seriously cutback on my spending. My instant access savings accunt will be empty by the time I have paid the deposit for my teeth. It will not fill up again either as the monthly payments for my teeth will come out of the money I used to save each month.

I am taking another week off work towards the end of October. I am going to go and spend a few days with my nephew as I have never taken him out on his own before. ( He will be three in November and is adorable) I will also spend some time with my Mum and she will then come back with me for a few days.

Anyway it is 10:40pm and I have work tomorrow. I was so shattered before I went on holiday, I was not much better last week and took a sickie on Friday so I need to have a good productive week this week!

Wish me luck!!!