Friday, October 17, 2008

I'm so tired...

After starting to loose control in the summer months I made quite a large achievement. I made an appointment to see my psychiatrist before the time I was asked to return. I even managed to get a cancellation. The problem was that I had been sleeping too much.

Since then I have reduced my dose of quetiapine from 200mg daily to 150mg daily. My psychiatrist said I was over sedated. This has stopped me sleeping all he time but my anxiety has been slowly increasing. It is now at quite an uncomfortable level :o(. I do not know if I am so tired because I am anxious or so anxious because I am so tired. I am falling asleep on the sofa now after drinking half a bottle of wine.

Work is tough. I have so much to do but I do not want to let anything go. I really need other peoples approval. I worry that if I let things go I will loose the approval of the people I admire and respect most. I don't want to let anyone down. I have a meeting with my manager on monday to discuss my work load and how we can reduce it. I do not want to loose his respect and approval either. My colleagues are my friends and mean so much to me.

I feel bad about the way I have insisted that my work load be cut. I told my supervisor that my psychiatrist had said I need to work less hours. This is partly true but I can not remember exactly what he said. He definitely talked about how large companies put pressure on people to achieve more and more. He said that this continues until the employee pushes back and with my personality I like to please and may not push back. I think he said the last bit anyway. This is so right it is scary. He hit the nail right on the head.

I told my supervisor that my psychiatrist said I must push back and say no. I can't remember if he actually said that though so now I feel anxious about the whole situation.

I feel so rotten and tired at the moment. A friend commented on how tired I look and I am now back to visiting the psychiatrist every 6 weeks rather than every 6 months. I have no idea how I am going to get through the next few weeks.

Next week we have a department meeting and I have to go to evening events finishing after 10pm. There will be a 45 min drive home and then an hours drive in the morning to 8:45am starts. I said I would have to leave the evening events early, I said I was on medication a which makes me sleep and 8:45am was a very early start for me. This did not go down well with the organisers. I do think my supervisor, manager and occupational health are very understanding but I still feel bad. The thing that gets me is I would love to stay, but I just know I would not manage it though!

The week after next I am travelling for work and then I have 10 days holiday! I REALLY need the break!

I'm so tired!