Thursday, August 18, 2011


My old psychiatrist said to me that once I was in a protective relationship we could consider reducing my medication.  I do want to reduce them one day but at the same time I am quite scared.  I have had a brilliant 6 months, probably one of the best times of my life.  I don't want it to end and I don't want Mr R to be put under any pressure or stress if I become sick.  Neither can I afford to be sick from a work point of view.  I am on 3-4 months check ups with my GP at the moment, I may raise it with her next time I visit.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Mr R and the next step

Mr R and I have been discussing moving in together.  I have made it clear that I don't want to do this unless we have a future together and we are in this for the long term.  Mr R compared this to the sun coming up in the mornings, the sun has come up every day for the last 6 months and there is no reason to think the sun will not keep coming up.  The thing is if we want a good future together we will need all the money we can get hold of, it is VERY expensive to live in the south east of England and there are few professional jobs elsewhere in the country.

If we pooled our resources we could save almost a whole sallary towards buying a property (and even getting married one day).  I think we will make it, he thinks we will  make it, there is no reason to think we won't and we both really want to be together forever.

 My one doubt remains, he does not want children as much as I do and I fear I may not be being truely honest with myself about how much I want children.  I have a very powerful maternal instinct when I see a baby or young child but when I think rationally maybe I don't want them.  When Mr R spoke about our future he spoke of the nice house, the garden and the cats but no mention of the children.

I pushed one man I once loved away because I wanted the whole package of marriage and children and I ended up loosing everything, he used my wants as one excuse amongst many to end things despite now being engaged to his confidont of the time. 

Mr R comes first and I love him very much and we will be officially moving in together.  To me it is a brave decision, but thinking in the moment nothing feels more right and more natural and no one knows what may or may not happen tomorrow but with Mr R by my side I feel like I can handle what ever comes my way. 

Children or No Children, the dilema!

I'm in my mid thirties now (34).  I told my GP that I was in a new relationship and she really worried me.  The conversation started with talking about contraception.  That's fine I'm comfortable with that.  Then she said I needed a very reliable contraception because of the drugs I am taking which are not suitable if you want to become pregnant.  Still fair enough.  I told her we were using condoms and this is where it starts to go wrong.  She frowns so I ask what she would recomend as I prefer not to take the pill due to it's association with depression.  She started by suggesting the implant which works for three years, however because of my age she changed her mind and said if I had the slightest urge to have children it was not for me.  I am too old as it lasts three years I maybe too old to have children once the effects wear off.  She basically said that if I want children I need to have them now.  But hadn't I just told her I was in a new relationship.  Ummm.  I'm so confused.

My Mum also thinks I should have children asap.

I think I would like children, ideally we would have met several years ago and now be considering whether we wanted children and planning for this but we didn't.  He needs time to get use to the idea of children as it is not something he has given much thought to.  Does that mean he never will want children?  He said he was not opposed to the idea but not for a good few years.  The problem is I may not have a good few years and I have told him this.

On top of all these normal worries I then have to think about my medication, risks to a baby, risks to my own health and the strain and pressure Mr R would be under if I were to become seriously ill.  When I think how stressed and tired I get now I wonder whether having a baby would be a good idea anyway.

I have thought about this a lot and at no time have I thought for a second that Mr R is not for me regardless of whether or not he ever wants children.  I won't be having the implant incase the opportunity for children happens, I won't be having children anytime soon and I won't give up Mr R.  I just hope that one day Mr R would like children too and that day does comes before my biological clock says too late.  It makes me very sad to think it might not happen for us.