Wednesday, February 04, 2009


Sometimes I think about taking my own life, I think once you have made serious plans and really contemplated the idea it will always return as a way out when things are unbearable. In my mind when I get anxious about a perceived situation which may or may not happen, suicide comes to mind as an emergency exit strategy for an unbearable life.

Depression is a danger to me as I may become delusional or paranoid that something is happening or about to happen when really it is not even on the cards. If I think life is unbearable due to an imaginary situation then suicide would be a mistake.

On the other hand, if life really ever did become completely unbearable and my perception of that unbearable situation was correct then I would want to make the decision about whether to stay on this earth. The real threat is delusional and irrational thoughts that make me perceive bad things are happening when really they are not. The real threat to me is not suicide as there are worse things in life than death.

Sometimes suicidal thoughts are quite natural to me, when thinking if this happens I'll do that. When there are no bearable 'thats' suicide is an option which relieves anxiety. Once I know and feel in control of that option I can move on and start to think of better alternatives.

To threaten suicide to get help would be counter productive in my case. I fear getting sectioned, going back to an NHS hospital where in the past my freedom was taken from me without just cause. If sectioned the suicide option is removed and I could end up in a worse state of anxiety. If I talk of suicide family can have me sectioned, so to actually talk about an iminant plan for suicide would be a mistake.

Talking about suicide may sometimes be a call for help, but I think it is a really desperate one and I have promised myself never to do it as a call for help. My life is too higher price to pay to get the input and friendship of others. Tho' help is really difficult to get at times I want help from people who care and not those who do not want the suicide of someone on their minds. Also you can scream from the hill tops, "HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME!!" but how can people help? Drugs are the best option for me as it give me time out as time to sleep!


Anonymous said...

I would think alot about suicide as well. Now they have me on all these lovely medications that keep those thoughts placed way in the back of my brain. I fear they may slip out again but I pray they dont.

Raine said...

I used to manage a mental health chat room and I have talked to many people who had loved ones who committed suicide. They suffer, they blame themselves and they do not recover. Often times they will follow the example . Therefor I made the decision to never do such a thing to those I love

phobiagirl said...

Suicidal thoughts are ones I've had since I was a teen, and never went through with, hoping things would get better. I guess we have to cling to the hope!

Anonymous said...

I've been going through the same kinds of things. I've also just recently been put on antidepressants and they're not really working. Instead I'm having sexual dysfunctions, I'm tired all the time, and I'm gaining some weight. When I use Cannabis though, I feel better and calmer. Right now I'm thinking about getting off of these synthetic pills and just using Cannabis because I think that they will be more effective in helping me and I know that it has helped others get through depression. So I wanted to suggest the same thing for you. I don't know how you feel about Cannabis but if you are averse to it because it is illegal, try looking up why it is illegal and you'll find that it is only because of political and racist reasons and just about every scientist says Cannabis is not dangerous. You don't even have to smoke it if you're afraid for your lungs, you can cook with it or vaporize it. If you do decide to use it though make sure you ween yourself off of the pills gradually and not all at once because that is definitely not a good idea. Just some food for thought, hope you feel better.

DRO said...

I have been bipolar for 20 years and for the first 15 never had a true suicidal thought or plan. However my last depression/mania episode lasted 3 years and during it I began to truly despair I'd ever get better. I began to understand why someone would contemplate suicide. Shortly after I began to see how my family and friends would be better off without me. Strangely enough it was the inability to leave my wife and daughter alone that kept me from truly making plans. Eventually, increasing the amounts of Welbutrin, Effexor and adding Lamictal to Lithium has helped lift me past the worst of it. If you can, try and get your doctor to be creative and proactive in finding the right meds for you.

Raine said...

Annie its been a long time since you posted this. It would be very nice to know that you are alive..........

Anonymous said...

hey, i just came across your blog..
i think i suffer from all three of your ilnesses but am in denial about it..
i am an adult dependant, 25, trapped with an abusive mother.
I have no job, i suffer from trichotillomania, which is a form of bizarre self-harm where i pull out my hair. Coming from a migrnat background and having grown up in 3 countries i am often paranoid about racist remarks, feel like my life has had no defined 'center' to it. I nearly went to uni 2 yrs ago but when it came to leaving
for it i got suicidal because i thought nobody would accept me there.
I think i just made one of the biggest mistakes of my lfie because i moved from Germany back to the Uk where care for people like me is shit and life opportunities for people without money zero.
My family broke down 2 yrs ago,with my step-father walking out on my mother with a 20yr old chinese translator and leaving us without any financial aid.A couple of years ago i was experiencing an 'up' when i thought all was possible and i could do anything and i think the family breakdown helped to contribute to my fall-back into depression, anxiety, etc.
Now i am actually losing the ability to speak to people because i just feel numb all the time..
i can't hold conversations with people anymore.. just type on the web sometimes how i feel.
I feel totally worthless, trapped and helpless.
But going to Doctors here is totally useless.
Sorry. It's just.. really good to find someone else who maybe knows how i feel..

Annie said...

It can be really difficult to get into the system and I worry about falling out of the system once again but it sounds like you really need some help. Try writing to your doctor in advance and ask to be sent to a specialist! It sounds like you need some help and there are some good people out there.

What is the system like in Germany. I have a German work colleague who obviously struggles with mental health but he does not like to talk about it.