I am a bubble of enthusiasm, excitement and energy
constrained by a world of regulations, traditions and responsibilities
constrained by a world of regulations, traditions and responsibilities
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
I'm still about
Just to let you know I am still here. I'm feeling a lot better now and back in remission. I was depressed from the end of November until about April. It was the first significant episode since I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Looking back I guess going toGermany for the day and looking after my Mother while working full time was probably a little eccentric.
I'm back on loads of medication and sleeping far too much. I'm definitely a lot more settled tho' and I have stopped crying on my way home from work! It's not much of a choice to sleep 11 to 12 hours a night or be suicidal every other day! I guess sleeping is the best option tho'. But, I am just sleeping my life away and there is so much I want to do. I'm still much better off than before diagnosis, one episode in 3.5 years compared to 3 in about 4 years is not bad going.
Life goes on and I feel a little stronger and a little more stable after each episode, I feel older and wiser and less disturbed by other peoples opinions of me. Depression is like an education which people who have not been there can never comprehend. I am spending a lot of time reflecting on whether I want to remain single indefinitely or whether I want to find a nice understanding and caring man who I can smother with love ;o). I do not seem to be short of offers but no one has tugged my heart strings in just the right way.
I'm back on loads of medication and sleeping far too much. I'm definitely a lot more settled tho' and I have stopped crying on my way home from work! It's not much of a choice to sleep 11 to 12 hours a night or be suicidal every other day! I guess sleeping is the best option tho'. But, I am just sleeping my life away and there is so much I want to do. I'm still much better off than before diagnosis, one episode in 3.5 years compared to 3 in about 4 years is not bad going.
Life goes on and I feel a little stronger and a little more stable after each episode, I feel older and wiser and less disturbed by other peoples opinions of me. Depression is like an education which people who have not been there can never comprehend. I am spending a lot of time reflecting on whether I want to remain single indefinitely or whether I want to find a nice understanding and caring man who I can smother with love ;o). I do not seem to be short of offers but no one has tugged my heart strings in just the right way.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
suicide...
Sometimes I think about taking my own life, I think once you have made serious plans and really contemplated the idea it will always return as a way out when things are unbearable. In my mind when I get anxious about a perceived situation which may or may not happen, suicide comes to mind as an emergency exit strategy for an unbearable life.
Depression is a danger to me as I may become delusional or paranoid that something is happening or about to happen when really it is not even on the cards. If I think life is unbearable due to an imaginary situation then suicide would be a mistake.
On the other hand, if life really ever did become completely unbearable and my perception of that unbearable situation was correct then I would want to make the decision about whether to stay on this earth. The real threat is delusional and irrational thoughts that make me perceive bad things are happening when really they are not. The real threat to me is not suicide as there are worse things in life than death.
Sometimes suicidal thoughts are quite natural to me, when thinking if this happens I'll do that. When there are no bearable 'thats' suicide is an option which relieves anxiety. Once I know and feel in control of that option I can move on and start to think of better alternatives.
To threaten suicide to get help would be counter productive in my case. I fear getting sectioned, going back to an NHS hospital where in the past my freedom was taken from me without just cause. If sectioned the suicide option is removed and I could end up in a worse state of anxiety. If I talk of suicide family can have me sectioned, so to actually talk about an iminant plan for suicide would be a mistake.
Talking about suicide may sometimes be a call for help, but I think it is a really desperate one and I have promised myself never to do it as a call for help. My life is too higher price to pay to get the input and friendship of others. Tho' help is really difficult to get at times I want help from people who care and not those who do not want the suicide of someone on their minds. Also you can scream from the hill tops, "HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME!!" but how can people help? Drugs are the best option for me as it give me time out as time to sleep!
Depression is a danger to me as I may become delusional or paranoid that something is happening or about to happen when really it is not even on the cards. If I think life is unbearable due to an imaginary situation then suicide would be a mistake.
On the other hand, if life really ever did become completely unbearable and my perception of that unbearable situation was correct then I would want to make the decision about whether to stay on this earth. The real threat is delusional and irrational thoughts that make me perceive bad things are happening when really they are not. The real threat to me is not suicide as there are worse things in life than death.
Sometimes suicidal thoughts are quite natural to me, when thinking if this happens I'll do that. When there are no bearable 'thats' suicide is an option which relieves anxiety. Once I know and feel in control of that option I can move on and start to think of better alternatives.
To threaten suicide to get help would be counter productive in my case. I fear getting sectioned, going back to an NHS hospital where in the past my freedom was taken from me without just cause. If sectioned the suicide option is removed and I could end up in a worse state of anxiety. If I talk of suicide family can have me sectioned, so to actually talk about an iminant plan for suicide would be a mistake.
Talking about suicide may sometimes be a call for help, but I think it is a really desperate one and I have promised myself never to do it as a call for help. My life is too higher price to pay to get the input and friendship of others. Tho' help is really difficult to get at times I want help from people who care and not those who do not want the suicide of someone on their minds. Also you can scream from the hill tops, "HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME!!" but how can people help? Drugs are the best option for me as it give me time out as time to sleep!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
I'm bored....
I don't often get bored but if there is a normal I am guessing this is it. I don't feel anything but I actually quite like it...
throwing away the pills....
I just flushed away the pills I bought the other day. I had to think about it for a little while tho'. I know you can not buy more than one box at the time. I was going to collect one box at the time until I had enough. I thought I would just start a collection incase one day I want to do it. But today I am in a good place and the depression has once again passed. I may collect some again in the future but today I don't want them in the house today...
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