Thursday, November 18, 2010
When I fell in love, it should have been forever, as I’ll never fall in love again.
I am on a flight on the way home from a business trip. I get very lonely on business trips as my colleagues all have family they miss, they ring their husbands, wives and children. They all look forward to going home where I relish their company and wish I could spend more time working with other people.
I contacted my ex at the airport, for the first time in years. I have missed him a lot recently. Despite it being more than five years since we went our separate ways I still have not felt close to anyone else. I have dated a few people (in fact I have a date on Friday) but I have never felt so close and so relaxed with anyone else. The closeness I felt through my sexual relationship with him has never been rivalled. He was my first love and I doubt I will ever feel the same way again. I have given up hoping.
I have often heard people say that when a man wants sex, his desire is driven by the need to spread his genes far and wide. When a woman wants sex, she looks for a man who will protect her and her children for life. It seems so obvious when you write it down but I had never thought about it so clearly before. My ex was socially competent, he protected me in social situations, I could go along with him and I knew that because he was so popular and perfect (in my eyes) I would always be accepted.
I am going to see Harry Potter on Friday for a sort of date. I am going with a nice man but I am not attracted to him. I wish I was as I do not want to be on my own anymore.
Yesterday I was walking along the beach as it was getting dark. For a while I thought I was just going to keep walking and never return. I wanted to just walk across Europe, living a simple life on the streets. Alternatively, I thought of just walking out into the sea and drowning. These thoughts were so much less disturbing than the thought of continuing life within my torturous mind.
I am thinking of stopping the aripiprazole again. This time I will discuss it with my psychiatrist and maybe think about going back on a low dose of quetiapine instead. I still do not feel myself, my brain is not functioning how it use to. I phase out as people talk to me I cannot remember the beginning of the sentence as they reach the end. They are just all words which mean nothing, I feel vacant and detached from others. This does not help my loneliness.
I just want to be one of the crowd; nothing special, nothing extraordinary, just a part of a group of friends who I can feel comfortable with and who I can relate to. Is this too much to ask?
I visited a cathedral today. I was looking to feel wanted and loved. It worked for a while and I am feeling better than I did yesterday. I started praying that I would die soon. I want God to take me rather than someone else who had something to live for. In the end I felt better, a little more wanted and again came back to the realisation that only I can help myself.
I cannot imagine a future alone and I cannot imagine a future with another.
I wonder as I sit on this flight across Europe, would those people sitting in front of me, the man next to me or those behind care or try to help if they knew how I felt and what I was typing! How can I reach out to the kind people around me?
I long to be free; free from the inner voice which criticises every move!
“you smell, you have hairy armpits and hairy legs, your hair is a mess, you are incompetent at your job, you put other out, you are fat, unfit, incompetent, everyone thinks you are stupid, people laugh at you and hate you, you are ugly, you are a waste of space, you are a couch potato, you live in a mess, you should cancel going out on Saturday night to make space for someone who others want to see, you are selfish, mean inconsiderate and get on everyone’s nerves, you are a waste of space and the world would be a better place without you. Go on kill yourself, you are a burden of your parents and your sisters think you are a recluse, what is the point”
How can I get out of this mess? I want life to return to the days before things went wrong with my ex. He could not cope with my clinginess and depression. When Ithought he loved me I never felt things were so bad. I believed no matter what the rest of the world thought of me I would always have him. Then he left me with no discussion, no hints and no time to get use to the idea.