Tuesday, November 09, 2010

What if...

I am meeting someone this afternoon to discuss the possibility of a new job.  I am so fed up and really need the change.  My job has changed so much now that I no longer enjoy it.  I want something new and exciting in the hope I will once again feel some motivation for life.  I keep wondering, what if....  what if I took that other job,  what if I did not have recurring depression, what if I was not so socially anxious, what if I had a different up bringing.  Something has to change soon.

I have been thinking about death quite a lot recently.  I keep watching other people with families.  I go home each night and sit and watch TV or play computer games.  This is not the life I want but I know no way out.  It is not I do not want to live, it is more I do not want to live this life.  I have tried making certain changes but so far nothing has helped.  I am so very lonely.  I am not going to kill myself, I could not do that, I just wish I had a button to press which would totally obliterate my life.  Just make it so I was never born, then no one could miss me and no one would hurt.  It would not start a cluster of suicides or have an adverse impact on those staying behind.

I am crossing my fingers about this job I am going to see about this afternoon.  It is closer to home so would cut two hours off my working day each day!!  At the moment I have a very long commute.  If I get the job, maybe I could start at the gym again, loose some weight (I have put nearly a stone on this year).  Maybe then my energy will return??

I am very tired all the time, I feel misserable and blue.  The slightest thing makes me feel anxious and stressed.  I have felt like this for so long now, I need to feel 'normal' for a little while.  Everthing feels so stressful I just need a break.  I am going back to see the psychiatrist in two weeks.  I never seem to be out of his office at the moment.  I just want to feel better.

Hey, I have two job interviews lined up, I feel a bit better already.  I really need tochange my job, I think that is my problem at the moment!

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