I have had enough....

I have had this horrible flu like virus thing the last few days. The physical symptoms are begining to clear but the depression is starting to set in :o(. I am still tired with a blocked nose and headache tho'.

All the uncertainty at work really isn't helping. My supervisor has told me that he will be moving to a new role so that is fact not rumour now. I have a lot of anxieties about how my job is likely to change when I have a new supervisor. I think I got a bit hypo as I have taken on far too much work and with one particular project I have I am beginning to feel out of my depth. There are new people working on it and they are very negative.

I'm ready to give up on work for various reasons. I use to thinkI was good at what I did and I had a future. Now there is nothing apart from a lot of hassle and no suport from anyone. But if I do not have work what is there?

I am feeling very very low :(

I had a bad day...

I was in tears three times before lunch this morning. I now feel drained and like shit. First a vendor we use at work told my boss I had refused to answer her question. Ok maybe I did not answer it but it was 9pm on Monday evening and I had done a whole days work on Sunday and been in the city on a course all day! OK, this pissed me off but I took a walk, could see where she was coming from and got over it.

A bit later I found an email from my boss telling me to note the words she had used and think about the impression I was giving her. Now that really annoyed me. I am doing my best and have been working 14 hour days this week so things did not slip while I was out the office. How dare he pick me up on this!

Anyway, I talked to him for a bit and he reassured me I was doing ok and said I could go home once I had done the essential stuff! Ok I got over that one again!

Next I went to lunch and I forgot my security pass. I knocked on the window and asked the security guy to let me in. Not only did he want to know where my pass was (that would be fair) but he started saying I can not leave it behind (as if I would lock myself out on purpose!). He was shouting at me 'How are you going to get back in?' How the hell was I suppose to know! I just walked away from him as I knew I could not take anymore. I sent my boss a text message and he came down to let me in. I was in full tears by this point. I could not look at him. He understood and let me be.

I bumped into the security guard again and he apologised for not helping me. Apparently he was talking to an off site boss who had reprimanded them all because 4 people had been found onsite without passes last week. He felt bad but it was not his fault I was upset. I still could not look at anyone because I knew I would start bawling rather than silent tears rolling down my face.

I finally got to the canteen to meet my friend. By then the table he was sitting on had filled up and I could not face strangers. I told him what had happened and we are going to meet on Friday.

I'm still on work email now, I'm just trying to keep the essentials ticking over but I am trying to rest. I can cope with these lows now but I'm not sure I can cope with people reactions to them. If anyone tries to be nice and if I do not know them well, it makes me worse. The people I know best seem to just keep me company and let me know they are there. They except "I'm having a bad day" as a good enough reason for the tears!

I think I need a rest.

Depressed now

I feel really low now, I have just curled up and cryed the last few evenings but I am feeling slightly better at the moment. I am just sick and tired of being single. I want some company in the evenings, someone to give me a hug share my tryumphs and help me through the tough times.

Is that too much to ask. I think I am feeling low as I have just discovered a man I liked is married. I no longer have those little day dreams so I am eating instead.

I think I need some new hobbies, something to get me out in the dark evenings and something where I am likely to meet youngish, single, intelligent and handsome men. Anyone got any ideas before I eat myself into stupidity. I have given up on internet dating. I might try speed dating again just to get out the house. I tried salsa dancing a while ago, I might try that again.

I feel very misserable, this is the longest depression (about 4 days) which I have had since June.

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