I have been away for work this week, I really enjoyed it but I fear I became a bit hypomanic and was disruptive. I hate being like that because unlike when I feel low my mind works so fast that I do not realise that my judgement has become impaired. If only I had stopped and thought!
I flew up to Edinburgh Monday evening and I got home Thusday evening about 10 pm. I had to get up and be back at work by 9:30 on Friday morning. I over did it got very stressed and did not realise what was happening until I found myself crying for stupid things while I was at work yesterday.
What got me so stressed out was rumours flying about regarding the reorganisation of the department. I worked with two people in my small team within the department for most of last year. They were my boss and one temporary member of staff. I had a great year, I felt I had a lot of support and working with these people was well within my comfort zone. It was announced that two more people would join our small group from yesterday. They are based in other european countries so it would involve some virtual collaboration. The temporary guy who I sat with and worked with for most of last year would be moving to a different group. I did not realise how worried I had become about the changes.
I sat with the two new people at dinner and made an effort to start getting to know them. I felt like I could cope with the changes and I would still have the support of this small group even if a few people changed.
I had about 10 to 11 hour working days all week, (I count the socialising that we are encouraged to do too as this is very draining and not at all relaxing for me!)
Thursday morning we were told that our new group would have lunch together, this is when I flipped!! I started asking my boss loads of questions about the rumours I had heard, putting him on the spot in front of everyone and giving him some very direct, nasty and harsh feedback in front of others. All he did in return was be nice to me and I was really using him as a punch bag!!! The harder I punch the more he tries to build my confidence, I feel really bad now, I made him look bad in front of his new employees. The truth is if I talk to other people while I am stressd they try to emphasise which really does nothing for me. He discusses issues and treats me with respoect which makes me feel a lot better. I just hope I do not wear out my punch bag and hope it is tough enough to cope. I know no one else who can make me feel better in this way, I wish he was my friend and not my boss!!
The hypomanic bit came in as many senior management and directors were there. I though well I always get good feedback from my participation in these meetings so this is an excellent opportunity for my career. As I focused on this I started to believe that the new people in my very small support group were not an issue and I would lead the group and be an important member of the group. I have not really been ambitous in the the past but I have enjoyed working on operational projects. In the last few years all these projects have been given only to group leaders, therfore I have become more ambitous as I would like to be involved in them again.
While I was trying to cease the opportunity I became very focused and my objective became obsessive, my opinion was no longer balanced, I fear I have made a fool of myself :(! I convinced myself that I would be a group leader and it was only a matter of time, I have switched roles in my department and someone from my old role said he wanted to see me sitting up there with the group leaders. I think that was another trigger.
While I was kicking my punch bag (my boss) he said he had been very proud of my contribution to the meeting over the past few days, that just makes me feel worse for being so mean. I think I probably looked a lot worse than him for using my punch bag in public.
Next time I will stop trying so hard, what will be will be!
I came home from work sick yesterday as I kept crying. I spent about 24 hours watching TV and sleeping, I think the one thing I can change next time is to get more sleep and not go to the pub or drink in the evenings. I so enjoy it though!!! My mind can just not cope though :o(
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