Being Hypomanic

My mind races, my thoughts come so fast that I keep inturrupting and talking over people which I feel bad about straight away. By the time there is a pause in the conversation my mind has moved at least three more questions. I have to write everything down as the questions come up otherwise I have forgotten them by the time I get chance to speak, the questions come back later and the frustration starts because I have not got my point across when the opportunity was there. I am juggling everything, it is all in perfect control and I see everything perfectly clearly. When hings go wrong I sometimes see it as the inefficiency of others due to their lack of ability to function at my speed. I excel at work and get frustrated with anyone who slows my progress without good reason.

The downside is I talk to myself constantly, a constant slow murmour. People have started to comment. I am about as junior as it gets for the job I do and my frustration at the slow speed of a large organisation takes to make the smallest of decisions is unbearable. I want to go and fix everything!! I can't even wait for my supervisor to check his calendar when I need some of his time, that in itself gives me the internal fight of whether to push or not. I like to push but that causes friction.

I even eat as fast as I speak and get horrible heart burn. My mind keeps going at 100 miles an hour until the evening comes and I drug myself (presciption drugs for my condition). I am asleep with in the hour, by the next morning my mood is quite normal but throughout the day my mind starts to race and we cycle again.

I can no longer go to the evening meals after a long days meeting. It does not allow time for my speed to reduce to sleep and allow me to recover for the next day. This makes me feel isolated from my colleagues but if I went I would get to the exhaustion and then depression and burn out. My 'stay well plan' is to sleep well and stick to routine.

This illness is a big blessing as I experiance life as a roller coaster rather than a merry go round but it is also a curse that prevents really close relationships with others. Most just don't understand.

I look my meds about 20 mins ago and at last I can start to rest until tomorrow!

Support Network Gone

I have had a few months where I have been hypomanic for about 50% of the time. Now that is over I seem to have lost the good support network I had. It's hard to get it back :o(

I guess this is my lifetime struggle, no one elses. Other people and friends will come and go through my journey but the bipolar will always be there. Still it is a part of who I am and I must ride out the flat times.

I feel quite low, nothing too severe, just empty and wondering if this is how everyone else feels all the time or whether I am really low. I still feel blessed to experiance life in such an animated way, I still wouldn't stop the illness even if I could!

I have had a bad day at work, struggling with my boss. He treats me like a second class citizen and I am afraid it has got to the point where I can not talk and pass the time of day with him without him jumping on everything being patronising and even insulting. Interfering on with my working relationship with colleagues.

I don't think anyone is out there anymore.

Changing Meds

I saw the psychiatrist last week and he has reduced my sertraline from 150mg to 100mg because I am having too many hypo episodes. I have been taking the lower dose for about 5 days. I feel quite empty and possibly a little depressed. I wonder if it s the change in medication or whether I am just cycling. not even sure if I am just in a normal mood or slightly low. I don't think I know what normal is like anymore. I am still takng the Quetiapine and have no plans to reduce that ever!! I am feeling quite fed up and almost want o be hypo again! I'm just really fed up with it all at the moment.