Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Being Hypomanic

My mind races, my thoughts come so fast that I keep inturrupting and talking over people which I feel bad about straight away. By the time there is a pause in the conversation my mind has moved at least three more questions. I have to write everything down as the questions come up otherwise I have forgotten them by the time I get chance to speak, the questions come back later and the frustration starts because I have not got my point across when the opportunity was there. I am juggling everything, it is all in perfect control and I see everything perfectly clearly. When hings go wrong I sometimes see it as the inefficiency of others due to their lack of ability to function at my speed. I excel at work and get frustrated with anyone who slows my progress without good reason.

The downside is I talk to myself constantly, a constant slow murmour. People have started to comment. I am about as junior as it gets for the job I do and my frustration at the slow speed of a large organisation takes to make the smallest of decisions is unbearable. I want to go and fix everything!! I can't even wait for my supervisor to check his calendar when I need some of his time, that in itself gives me the internal fight of whether to push or not. I like to push but that causes friction.

I even eat as fast as I speak and get horrible heart burn. My mind keeps going at 100 miles an hour until the evening comes and I drug myself (presciption drugs for my condition). I am asleep with in the hour, by the next morning my mood is quite normal but throughout the day my mind starts to race and we cycle again.

I can no longer go to the evening meals after a long days meeting. It does not allow time for my speed to reduce to sleep and allow me to recover for the next day. This makes me feel isolated from my colleagues but if I went I would get to the exhaustion and then depression and burn out. My 'stay well plan' is to sleep well and stick to routine.

This illness is a big blessing as I experiance life as a roller coaster rather than a merry go round but it is also a curse that prevents really close relationships with others. Most just don't understand.

I look my meds about 20 mins ago and at last I can start to rest until tomorrow!


Leia said...

Hi Annie, I just read your blog and I want to say thank you for your honesty and courage. I think I may be bipolar, or something like that, I feel like I'm going mad, can't snap out of it, and your story has shown me there are other people who wrestle with these issues.
Thank you :-)

Raine said...

I get it. Thank goodness your meds are working and putting you to sleep!!! I'd been wondering where you were for so long. I'd thought you stopped blogging. Saw your comment on my blog and now that I see you are back I will relink you again. Welcome back!!

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