Being Hypomanic

My mind races, my thoughts come so fast that I keep inturrupting and talking over people which I feel bad about straight away. By the time there is a pause in the conversation my mind has moved at least three more questions. I have to write everything down as the questions come up otherwise I have forgotten them by the time I get chance to speak, the questions come back later and the frustration starts because I have not got my point across when the opportunity was there. I am juggling everything, it is all in perfect control and I see everything perfectly clearly. When hings go wrong I sometimes see it as the inefficiency of others due to their lack of ability to function at my speed. I excel at work and get frustrated with anyone who slows my progress without good reason.

The downside is I talk to myself constantly, a constant slow murmour. People have started to comment. I am about as junior as it gets for the job I do and my frustration at the slow speed of a large organisation takes to make the smallest of decisions is unbearable. I want to go and fix everything!! I can't even wait for my supervisor to check his calendar when I need some of his time, that in itself gives me the internal fight of whether to push or not. I like to push but that causes friction.

I even eat as fast as I speak and get horrible heart burn. My mind keeps going at 100 miles an hour until the evening comes and I drug myself (presciption drugs for my condition). I am asleep with in the hour, by the next morning my mood is quite normal but throughout the day my mind starts to race and we cycle again.

I can no longer go to the evening meals after a long days meeting. It does not allow time for my speed to reduce to sleep and allow me to recover for the next day. This makes me feel isolated from my colleagues but if I went I would get to the exhaustion and then depression and burn out. My 'stay well plan' is to sleep well and stick to routine.

This illness is a big blessing as I experiance life as a roller coaster rather than a merry go round but it is also a curse that prevents really close relationships with others. Most just don't understand.

I look my meds about 20 mins ago and at last I can start to rest until tomorrow!

Controlling happy thoughts

With automatic negative thoughts I have become used to recognising the negative thought patterns overtaking and learnt to distract myself. With the happy thoughts and my mind racing I find it far more difficult to distract myself. What everI do seems to be at super high speed and slowing down these thoughts are impossible.

I have not had a lasting depression fo a long time but the highs are still bothering me. Everything goes well for a while and then I realise I have not been doing any of the basic chores in life. I have no clean clothes, rubbish piled high and realise I have been eating out everyday for a week because I have not been shopping. It gets to the extent that I head off to the supermarket, decide to eat out on the way and then go to the supermarket and buy far too much butno a single square meal. This can happen a for days at the time.

Scared of getting sick

I have had another good day at work and I was absolutely buzzing by the time I came home. It was quite an effort for me to slow my mind and relax. I think I will now be able to sleep. I so want to let go and just do my best at work and see how far I can go! I am scared of getting sick again!

Mind Rushing

At 2 am my mind was still rushing. I think talking to the guy I am going to meet today triggered it. Y told him I wanted to raise awareness about selective mutism. I then did not move from the sofa or have any dinner until 2am. That was about 8hours straight.

When I went to bed I did not feel tired, I could not lie still and I felt like getting upto do the some of the things I need to do today to prepare to go away.

It is 10am now, I intend to hang the washing, wash up and wash my hair before meeting for lunch at 12.30. I need to go in earlier to do a few things in town.

Doing all that stuff on selective mutism seems a little ambitous, I am going to contact the social phobia web sites at a minimum though - maybe I will do more maybe not?

I will post again later if I get time!

Select Mutism Awareness

For My Poster Campaign

- Selective Mutism is a psychiatric disorder that is characterised by consistent failure to speak in SELECT social settings in which there is an expectation to speak; such as school.

- The child might be genetically prone to anxiety and too frightened to speak. If the child does not receive professional help they may fail to grow into an employable adult and suffer many years of psychiatric illness. By educating yourself you can help them.

- Selective mutism may become apparent in children as young as three years old.

- 1 in 1000 children suffer, please help identify that child and get them some help. They are too young and too scared to do it themselves!


Organisations to contact

· Childline
· National Lottery
· Department of Health
· Department of Education
· General Government/ individual MP’s
· National Institute of Mental Health
· NICE (National Institute of Clinical Excellence)
· http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/
· Children in Need
· The BBC/ Schools
· Universities with teaching courses.
· http://www.social-anxiety.org.uk/links/links.htm?cid=1
· Channel 4 – TV advertising campaign.

I think I have set myself a big project - I have to do something, the information available mainly comes from the US, it talks about medication, that would scare most parent in the UK off. There is next to no information targeted at the UK population.

If you are reading this and you live in the UK please try and share some information with your familyand friends - we can't let young children suffer and grow up hinking they are different and bad people! PLEASE HELP!!!!

PS. It is 1am - I hope this still seems like a good idea tomorrow (or after some sleep) I have not done any laundry or house work and I am meeting a stranger for lunch tomorrow. The taxi picks me up at 10.15 on Sunday morning I am so going to regret staying up so late! I hope I am not getting too high!

I am ging to put a load of laundry in and then go to BED!!!

My views on BBC Documentary on Selective Mutism

Selective Mutism Campaign

I am going to Indianapolis via Chicago Airport. It is going to be a working trip so I will not have much spare time.

I have got a bee in my bonet about selective mutism. I really want to do something to raise awareness. I have been brain storming all evening about things I could do. I am going to write to all the mental health and social phobia oganisations I can find. My aim will be to just get them to put an information site on their websites. I am also going to start writing to the department of health, the department of education and to try and get them to fund an awareness campaign. I am also going to contact the national lottery, childline, and the BBC Children in need organisation. I have to do something.

I have been working on some information, I am going to try and post it! I wonder how this will sound in the morning!

My views on BBC Documentary on Selective Mutism 

lots to do...

Work was good again today, I spent a lot of time preparing for my trip to the US. The office was very quiet as a lot of people work from home on Fridays plus a few have taken holiday as many of us are flying to the US on Sunday.

I ate my lunch in the Orchard again today, it is really pleasant sitting there in the sun. Someone from my office came to join me so I did not feel quite so much like a loner! It was someone who does the same job as I do but I have not talked to him much as we work in different teams.

I have a lot to do tonight and tomorrow, although I have all my work stuff ready to go on Sunday I have not started to get my clothes ready and I do not have a suitcase. Most of them are in the dirty washing and the rest are in the ironing heap.

I have arranged to meet someone I met on a dating website for lunch tomorrow, I stood him up last time as I got really nervous and freaked out. He came quite a long way to see me and he is coming a long way again tomorrow - I can not stand him up again - I hope I do not get too nervous. Not sure why he would still want to meet me? I have been chatting to him for a while now and I have not managed to put him off?

I have loads to do so I need to get on! I will post again tomorrow evening.