feeling awkward

I found my blog on a Medical Information site and I have noticed it is quite easy to find on google. I have been thinking about people I know stumbling across it for quite a while now and wondering how I felt about that. I don't think I mind but I would want to know they have read or are reading it regulary. I need to make sure I think about what I am posting. Anyway, that's why I have changed my blog a bit!

I wanted to post about a stupid email I sent to someone at work, it has been worrying me all day. It has been a stressful time recently and my colleagues and I have been working long hours. One particular guy who has an awful lot of responsibility. He is really nice and shows me a lot of support and respect. When he gets stressed he can be uite hard to work with. This week he was being particulary negative and I asked him to try and be more positive. To give him credit he really behaved differently for the last few days. Anyway quite late yesterday evening we had achieved what we had been working really hard towards for the last few weeks. I was quite relaxed and he sent me an email asking if I had received an important message and whether I could send confirmation. Of course I sent it straight away and I asked him if he was taking time off this weekend. He said yes, he was spending it with his children. Ireplied with one word 'GOOD!!! :o)'. I have been feeling really anxious all day that he might think I meant it was good he was taking the time off because he had been grumpy. That was not what I meant at all, I just meant good because I could sense he was stressed. I sent a careless email before that hurt his feelings, he did not tell me for two days. I am now worrying that he might have taken the 'good' the wrong way. The more I think about it the more I feel that way. I hope I have not upset him. We work really well together and I have a whole lot of respect for him, probably more than anyone else I work with. He shows me so much support I would never want to hurt his feelings but I fear he is quite sensitive :o(.

I think I am having a bad day, not only can't I get that out of my mind but I also became paranoid about a FunWall post on my facebook account. It was something about finding out who had a crush on you. I sent it on to some friends just to see what it was like. Problem is I unselected one person I used to have a serious crush on. I then became really paranoid that he would find out and things would be awkward. Then I became really paranoid that the people who wrote the email had carefully manufactured it and now this person would know I had a crush on him and even worse than that, think I still had the crush.

I think I am loosing my grip today. I am trying to forget about the email I sent yesterday and get things into perspective. If possible I will check he didn't take offense on Monday.

I think I might take my meds and get some sleep....

Guest Book

I am curious about who is reading my blog, I have found it on a few websites and a few people have left me comments. Raine is my one faithful reader but who else is out there?

Please leave me a comment, tell me who you are, where you are from and what you think of my blog?

I have noticed a few students leaving comments, do you have anymore questions? How did you find my blog.

Instructions if you recognise me...

WARNING: I express my feelings openly in this blog, I talk about some very dark years in my life and my experiances of self harm and suicidal thoughts, don't read any of this if you don't want to. If you have recognised me it might be tempting (it would be to me!) but be strong and turn away now if you don't want to know.

Ok, here's the story. I started this blog in 2006 and I have kept it going far longer than I expected I ever would. I have started to find it more and more easily in google searches and even through a few links on relevant topic pages. In an ideal world it would be totally annonymous but as we live in the real world some people who know me well or have a lot of contact with me may recognise me through my actions, my experiances or my behavior. This message is for all those people....

Number one; say hello in a comment otherwise contact me through facebook (using my real name) or by email and let me know you have read this, I really don't mind. If you want to approach me face to face that's ok too but please warn me in advance.

Number two; don't feel you have to discuss any of the content with me, try not to feel awkward. I really don't mind people knowing about my past problems or my current battles and I know the internet is a public place. If you do want to talk about it that's ok too.

Number three; I often use this to vent, if you recognise yourself keep in mind that I don't worry what other people think of me anymore and I don't judge other people. The hardest part of what I have been through is believing other people don't like me. This has tortured me in the past and I never want any of the people around me to feel like that. Yes, I get frustrated with people ocasionally but I'm human and it never lasts. I am a person who loves my family, friends, colleagues and acquaintences. I don't want them to feel the slightest hurt. (maybe the meds I take keep me well sedated)

Number four; Don't talk about me or my blog to other people who know me, even if you are saying nice things this tends to make me very paranoid and uncomfortable.

Number five; Read the About Me post for my reasons for writing this blog, and yes I know the risks. But I want others to understand what I have been through and what I am still going through, I want to help people who are suffering and help their family and friends to understand.

So much for family support....

Work has been a real nightmare, I am so busy I am working every hour I can, I don't have any clean clothes, I have just done the washing up after 2 days of leaving it, I am living on takeaways and starting to feel my grip going. I have not even thought about Christmas and have had to cancel my time off work next week.

I thought, I know, I will ask my Mum to come and stay either this week or next, just for a few days until I am back on top! Just to help me out for a day or two, my Mum and sister are always saying they are here for me and let them know when/if I need them. But rather than her helping (the first time I have ever asked after two and a half years) she cancels the one day she was going to come and help me get a Christmas tree.

I'm thinking of cancelling Christmas this year! I can't cope and all I get is hassle. It even seems like a hassle to receive presents, my sister wanted to know exaclty which colour and make of lounge suit to get me, in the end I said forget it get me slippers (she was getting annoyed that I would not go into shops and try them on, I have not had time) now she is emailing me pictures of slippers.

If I go quiet and need a rest and want to be left alone they ring me 10 times a day. The first time I have ever asked for help not only does my Mum say no but she cancels the one day she was going to come anyway. This is when I need the help, I have a career I love and I am having to choose between managing my illness and my career. I can't go on sleeping 10 hours a day and working 12 hours a day. If I only slept 7 or 8 like everyone else I could work 12 hours and keep on top of looking after myself.

THIS IS NOT FAIR!! IT IS TIMES LIKE THESE I FEEL MOST ALONE!!!!

The people I work with are lovely but I don't want to tell anyone why I am strugling. My boss is the only one who knows my history and he is off on holiday. That leaves my business partners and I really don't want them to know.