Being Blind and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

I was lucky enough to visit the Dialog Museum (http://www.dialogue-in-the-dark.com/) earlier this month. I went with colleagues from work so we were in a relatively large group. You go into the museum and everything is completely black. You have a guide for the group who is blind and leads you through the exhibition. It was a brilliant experiance. I did not stop talking for the whole hour, I may have pissed people off because of it but in reflection I would not have swapped the experiance for anything.

It really made me reflect on social anxiety. If I sit there and do nothing and say nothing it makes me disabled. Taking away my vision and making me rely on talking to others to know where to go and having to use my voice to comunicate was enlightening. I could not watch and follow so I had to talk and ask.

As most of my job involves working on the telephone I may as well be blind in my dealings with other people. I need to speak up and ask for help when needed. Today I had a break through on applying the cognitive behavioral therapy I learned some years ago. I started to worry that my management were discussing me and both planning what to say to me and when to deal with me as I was being needy. I asked one if they were coordinating their responses and when he said no I was able to completely break that cycle of automatic negative thoughts :o).

feeling awkward

I found my blog on a Medical Information site and I have noticed it is quite easy to find on google. I have been thinking about people I know stumbling across it for quite a while now and wondering how I felt about that. I don't think I mind but I would want to know they have read or are reading it regulary. I need to make sure I think about what I am posting. Anyway, that's why I have changed my blog a bit!

I wanted to post about a stupid email I sent to someone at work, it has been worrying me all day. It has been a stressful time recently and my colleagues and I have been working long hours. One particular guy who has an awful lot of responsibility. He is really nice and shows me a lot of support and respect. When he gets stressed he can be uite hard to work with. This week he was being particulary negative and I asked him to try and be more positive. To give him credit he really behaved differently for the last few days. Anyway quite late yesterday evening we had achieved what we had been working really hard towards for the last few weeks. I was quite relaxed and he sent me an email asking if I had received an important message and whether I could send confirmation. Of course I sent it straight away and I asked him if he was taking time off this weekend. He said yes, he was spending it with his children. Ireplied with one word 'GOOD!!! :o)'. I have been feeling really anxious all day that he might think I meant it was good he was taking the time off because he had been grumpy. That was not what I meant at all, I just meant good because I could sense he was stressed. I sent a careless email before that hurt his feelings, he did not tell me for two days. I am now worrying that he might have taken the 'good' the wrong way. The more I think about it the more I feel that way. I hope I have not upset him. We work really well together and I have a whole lot of respect for him, probably more than anyone else I work with. He shows me so much support I would never want to hurt his feelings but I fear he is quite sensitive :o(.

I think I am having a bad day, not only can't I get that out of my mind but I also became paranoid about a FunWall post on my facebook account. It was something about finding out who had a crush on you. I sent it on to some friends just to see what it was like. Problem is I unselected one person I used to have a serious crush on. I then became really paranoid that he would find out and things would be awkward. Then I became really paranoid that the people who wrote the email had carefully manufactured it and now this person would know I had a crush on him and even worse than that, think I still had the crush.

I think I am loosing my grip today. I am trying to forget about the email I sent yesterday and get things into perspective. If possible I will check he didn't take offense on Monday.

I think I might take my meds and get some sleep....

Video Camera

I'm feeling a bit tired and getting paranoid at the moment. I can't wait to go on holiday.

I have been on a training course for the last few days. It was filmed so it can be broadcast on the internet. I was comfortable with this because when I watched a course on the internet, which was run by the same people, and the audience were not filmed.

Today the audience were filmed. I was a bit anxious but I handled it. I was put on the spot and had to come out to the front of the room while being filmed. The good news is that I did not panic or blackout but could notanswer my question when everyone else had answered theirs. At the end of the course the organiser asked that if anone did not want to appear on the video to contact him.

I left some quite strong comments on the feedback form saying we should have the right not to be filmed and we should have been warned about the filming. I said the filming will deter me from attending future courses. I feel embarrised for making a fuss. I left my comment annonymously but I am still getting anxious and paranoid about any discusions of comments they may have. I'm not sure which is worse.

I alsoworry about appearing on the inernet film. I am not sure what would be worse though, being disguised and the only person disguised so people who knew I was there would know it was me or just letting it happen. I will probably let it happen but feel very cross I that I have had to make the decision.

Comming home I got a bit hypo with unrealistic expectations of my self and started to over genralise about what 'they' would say about the head case who got stroppy about the camera. I also got quite emotional about people taking the piss in the past and if 'they' had not done this the camera would not be an issue. I'm not even sure if anyone took this piss in the past or whether I was delusional with my depression for a long time.

Anyway, I must get some kip.
PS. Gorden Brown is now PrimeMinister

A bad morning

I got up this morning feeling as I have done every morning recently, I got dressed, not exactly in my best clothes but wore a skirt to keep cool and a green top. As I looked in the full length mirror on the way out I saw some woman looking back who dressed like they were 50 and has no fashion sense.

I left the house anyway and headed off for work. The automatic negative thoughts got the better of me and by the time I got to work I felt like a complete total missfit. I kept going, I got out the car to walk to the office but I felt like the people walking behind me were making judgements and sniggering. Wen I walked up the stairs someone held the door open for me, they seemed tolook me up and down and laught too. I passed two other people on the way to my desk and the same happened.

I sat at my desk shaking and sweating for about 5 minutes, it felt like everyone was staring at me. I managed to turn the computer on but I could not cope with sitting there. When I wanted to go and get a drink but I could not face standing up.

I sent an instant message to my boss saying I was not feeling well and I needed to take the morning off. That was a big mistake, I may as well said I am going to gohome and cut my wriats. I should have said I had to take the cat to the vet or something. He called me into his office and started questioning me. He said I could go home as long as I went down to occupational health first. The thought of walking through site with everyone starring was enough to make me cry so I decided I would stay at work. I tried this for a few minutes but think my boss staring at me too.

I emailed occupational health and told them I was having a bad day and needed to take a few hours off. Could I go now and go to see her this afteroon. She would not let me and said I had to go and see her there and then. I sat in her office and had to face a detailed third degree on my medication, the support I have been getting (or lack of it) how work was, and how much holiday I had taken. Eventually after sweating buckets and shaking I was allowed to come home and get changed.

This would have all been nice if I thought any of them were doing it because they cared about me and wanted to make sure I was ok. I think they aredoing it cos i is their job and they have to! None of them cared last year when I needed the help!

On the radio on the way home they were talking about everyones sense of fashion going out of the window and people just wear as fewer clothes as possible. This is the type of thing that sent me psychotic last time. I'm a bit scared incase I was hearing things. Unless there is a God after all and he is making sure I hear what I need to hear! Either way I laughed at the time but now I am a bit scared.

Anyway I have got changed and put on my favourite jeans (not suppose to wear jeans to work but hey that's the least of my problems today.) I made my consultation appointment at the Orthadontist today. It is on the 6 September! If I work on my appearance I think I will feel a bit more confident.

Anyway, I best get back to work! At least it will stop the shitty thoughts!