Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Getting everything back into perspective

I'm feeling a lot better today. I had a chance to talk to my manager about the changes that are happening. He is a lot more clued up and people focused than my immediate supervisor. He talked to me about how the role of my current supervisor was going to change and assured me that my new supervisor would suit my style more effectively. He said he could not tell me who it would be yet as the legal stuff was not yet in place. He did share enough with me to settle most of my anxieties.

My next battle is to challenge a comment in my end of year appraisal. There is something in my development needs which I want to question. I'm usually quite submissive when discussing my performance and take the line of what ever you say sir. He has critisied a very basic skill which I feel I do well and master. It is not something I have the confidence to tackle head on but I think I can ask for specific example for when this particular area has been a problem. Even this will be a challenge for me and feels like a big deal.

I think that coment is a part of a larger issue of the whole department underestimating my ability so I think it is very important for me to challenge that coment. This perception comes from a recent task which management did to map peoples skills onto the technical career ladder. I felt really under valued. As my current supervisor has very little insight into what I do and I remain concerned that he did not have the appropriate information to do this task. I have the document which specifies the skills and I will challenge these and tackle this perception with my new supervisor next year. I guess we have progress as this is the first time ever I have anything to help me work out where I fit in the organisation and what others think of me.

I find this aspect of work and career progression the most difficult of all as you have to blow your own trumpet a bit. When I become hypomanic I feel like I rule the world and I can run the whole department and make great scientific discoveries. I hate arrogant people or big headed people. Therefore following these thoughts of great achievement and confidence the anxiety kicks in that someone may judge me as big headed or arrogant.

Work in general is back to normal tho'. After my manager settled some of my anxieties I became absorbed in my daily tasks again and the afternoon flew by. Why my supervisor could not share some of this information escapes me. My only conclusion can be that he enjoys having the power to withhold information.

3 comments:

Kim said...

you've got the writing skill and spirit. I think you fit perfectly at the huge bipolar support group on MDJunction.com

Nick Hanlon said...

Hey Annie,

It's great to read this positive post, especially the bit about you taking action to make sure people view you in a correct and positive light.

During my work in the social anxiety support group I run, I meet a lot of people who worry about coming across as big headed or arrogant. It seems to be a social anxiety thing. I used to also worry about this, but not now.

I love to hear about other people doing well and having great aspirations, so it's nice to turn it around and think that others would like to see that in me. If others don't like that in me then I feel sad because they obviously don't feel good about themselves. It makes me want to help them see that they too can do great things. It's the perspective that helps me feel good about being good. I hope it helps you too.

Glad things are cleared up a bit at work.

Best wishes for tomorrow :)

Nick

Raine said...

Merry X-mas Annie