This is how it goes....

Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence, Conqueror, Panic, Misery, Black hole, Nothingness, Loneliness, Determination, Methodical, Conqueror, Delight, Confidence,

No Crash Yet!

No crash yet although I have eaten a whole large bag o chocoalte buttons and kept topped upon the diet coke all day.  When I feel better I will start Weight Watchers again.  In the mean time it is party all the way!  Maybe it will triggor a hypomanic period! :-)  By the way, the cat does not like dancing with me, she would rather sleep.

I have spent most of the day working and I am happy with the amount I have achieved. Iam off toTescos to buy Onions to make French Onion Soup.  That should be reasonably sensible after all the chocalate :-)!

I may be happier but still behind on the housework, I need tofind some clothes to wear to work this week!

YIPPPPEEEEEEE!!

I havejust filled up on cadbury's chocolate buttons and diet coke.  I am now dancing around the flat!  I am dreading the crash after the sugar rush but who cares, for now I am happy :-)!!  I am working as I dance :-)

Sugar crash post will be later :-(!

I went to the coffee shop and thenouttodinner on my own.  I got more work done in those few hours than I have managed all week.  I'm just going to go to bed and type some of it up!

I am sick to death of this awful illness!  I can't work, I can't concentrate and I can't do nothing.  I think I will take  walk in the rain!  I can't diet cos eating is my only source of comfort and I am rapidly expanding around the waist!  I want out, I just want to be normal, accepted and feel a part of the world rather than an on looker who watches life pass her by.

I got in touch with my psychiatrist today. I have to increase the srtraline to 200mg for a little while.

I want out!

I have had enough.

It feels like I am never going to get any better and even if I do it will come back again.

Work is falling apart I am completelyover whelmed by the amount of work I have to do.

I go days and days without talking to anyone and I am  feeling more lonely every day.

I tried calling the psychiatrist today but no one was there.

working again

I'm wondering why I find it easier to work from home on a sunday evening than I do when I am in the office.  I tried working at home on Friday and I got very little done, I was trying to work but I could not concentrate.  Back to the office tomorrow.  I hope this week is more productive than last week. 

I can't hold a thought in my head!

I started weight watchers last week.  I lost 1lb this week.  As I gave up on the diet for two days I am satisfied.  I would have been satisfied with no change in weight so loosing 1lb was a bonus.

I am still struggling to do anything.  The smallest of tasks just seem to be completely over whelming  so I end up getting nothing done.  I don't seem to be able to break things up into manageable tasks at the moment.  I am suppose to be going away this weekend but getting ready seems too difficult.

I worry that I am messing up my brain and turning into someone who is not me.  Then again I don't know who I am anyway.  I do know I was happy with life a little while ago before I started changing medications.   Now I am awake a lot more but I am struggling to work and function.  I cannot hold a thought in my head! :o(

I want a holiday from antipsychotic medications but my psychiatrist says because I have had a severe psychotic breakdown in the past he cannot recomend it and I am likely to relapse if I stop taking them.

BIG YAWNS!!

Those negative thoughts are becoming a real battle.  I was promoted at work and I find promotions a really stressful experiance.  I know if I was feeling well I would be coping a lot better than I am now.  I have a very high work load but no energy and I do not seem able to concentrate and break big things down into manageable chunks.

I went to a pub quiz last night and it went on and on so I did not get home until late.  I think I am over tired and I am hoping a good nights sleep will fix the problem.  I came home from work at lunch time today and it was only earlier this week that I was starting to feel well again.

I am starting to ignore people who are giving me a lot of hassle and demanding work from me which I do not have tme to do.  I think it is a ticking time bomb!

negative thoughts are back but spring is coming

It's been a long hard winter and I'm glad spring is coming! I seem to be fighting those familiar negative thoughts a  lot recently.  Is that person staring at me.  Those people are whispering about me.  So and so thinks I'm stupid.  He does not like me.  I think they are all irrational and a little paranoid but I do wish they would go away.  Fighting them and distracting myself takes an awful lot of effort.  I am still only on 5mg of aripiprazole and as the side effects seem to have gone away I am wondering if I might be better off with a slightly higher dose as originally planned.  I have another appointment with the psychiatrist in a few weeks and this will be my first question.

Otherwise I am doing well, my flat is tidy, I'm quite organised and generally getting on with life.  It's just everything is taking just a little bit more effort.  I must admit it is nice being able to getup inthe mornings again :o).

My parents are coming to stay this weekend and I have put on so much weight I have decided to join Weight Watchers.  The first meet is tomorrow morning.