Wanting a baby

I have a doctor's appointment today, we want to get pregnant.  I'm really nervous as I'm on the wrong side of 36, obese and taking medication.  Also have a history of bipolar and a pending diagnosis for ceoliac disease and recurring depression.  I'm not expecting an easy journey.

2013 is drawing to a close.  I have 4 more working days this year and I'm exhausted. I am taking time off from Friday 20 December until 2 January. It will be a much needed break with plenty of rest and relaxation.

Apparently I'm moderately depressed at the moment, I'd call it exhausted and can't concentrate. However much I sleep I don't seem to feel any better at the moment. Everything is boring and I wish I could hibernate for Christmas.

My Hubby (Mr R) does not have any holiday left so I will be home alone for most of Christmas, however for the big day and boxing day we will be together.  We are eating out Christmas day, we are going to a local restaurant for Christmas dinner. Then boxing day we may go for a walk or something.

My new years resolutions for 2014 are the same as usual;

1. Eat less, follow a gluten free diet and cut out snacking and cakes.
2. Exercise more, walk to work from the park and ride when the UK weather permits.  Use Wii Fit.
3. Be happy.

Resolutions for 2010 were

1. to get up, get dressed and make the bed before switching on the computer or television.
I do this almost everyday these days.2. to post on my blog at least once a month.
Well I'm posting now.
3. loose weight.
I've gained even more.
4. keep a work life balance.
Doing well on this, just working 4 days a week and  not taking work home.  However I have taken a large pay cut to do this. 

Resolutions for 2008 were

1. Watch less television, listen to more music and be more active. I currently spend too many days in front of the televison.
Done
2. Have my own flat and be moved in by next Christmas!
Done but  sold it again to be in a larger home with my hubby.
3. Continue to try and expand my social life.
Done, I'm happy with my social life.

Resolutions for 2007 were

1. lots more friends, some friends I can ring and say, hey, do you want to go to the pub tonight!!
Done
2. loose weight, my medication made me put on a stone so I am going to have another attempt at shifting it!
Nope, still gaining weight.
3. be happier
Yes, much happier now I'm settled with Hubby.

If physical diseases were treated like mental illness

Copied from http://imgur.com/gallery/CWFTYoV

Shocking story, unfortunately I can believe it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-essex-25204276

Coeliac Disease

It looks like I may have coeliac disease. I have visited the doctor several time over the past few months with diarrhoea, eventually I had some blood tests and one has come back positive for coeliac disease.  I'm not sure which of the blood tests for coeliac they did so not sure of the false positive rate, however, I have been referred to the hospital for them to take a biopsy from my small intestine to confirm the results.

Some of the other symptoms include migraines and fatigue. I am really hoping the biopsy confirms the diagnosis as the symptoms make sense and a new gluten free diet could resolve all the symptoms.  I have to play the waiting game at the moment, I am waiting for the referral letter from my GP and then I have to make an appointment at the hospital where there is about a 6 week waiting list.  I still have to eat gluten until after the biopsy, I look at it and just think how it is probably making me poorly.

Anyway it is nearly Christmas :o)

Is it Time-To-Talk?

Is it really?  I still believe it is difficult to speak out about mental illness.  It's not strangers or friends I fear, it is mostly family and colleagues.

I feel regret about my last but one job, as I feel they made too many concessions for me after I spoke about my problems. They cared but would not let me be myself, make mistakes and work through the errors for myself.  There was always some fear on their part that I would blame them for my illness because of the amount of stress I was under due to poor management.  My boss thought I had a crush on him (maybe my fault through manic behaviour) and talking to these people I had to keep in my life and who had control over me made me feel very vulnerable.

My next job had absolutely no stress management policies and several others have left since I handed in my resignation. I was on minimum holiday and sick pay and the work load was unbearable. After my previous job I felt no desire to inform my colleagues of my mental health although I did confide in some friends I made at work.

My current job has excellent stress management policies and I hope this should be enough.  As I settle in and feel more comfortable I may indeed talk more.

As for my immediate family, it is just too difficult at the moment.  Although they know about my period in hospital they showed little understanding and still come with comments such as;

"you have nothing to be depressed about"

"there is nothing wrong with you"

"it's your fault, you just have to get on with things"

"you do not need any medication"

They have no concept about how much these things hurt and I become too distressed to defend myself so I just end up changing the subject and then I'm told I'm rude.  Their comments just hurt too much.

With those people a little more distant and friends with whom I have mutual respect, I like to talk.  They respect me and my opinions and beliefs and many show empathy which I really appreciate and this helps me feel accepted.  I will continue to post to my blog where I hope I can do my part to change the stigma associated with mental health. At this time, I cannot talk to family and colleagues.

Alice's Blog

I can totally relate to this post by Alice, (a time-to-change-blogger) particularly about hiding the depressions and feeling shame and embarrassment about the manic.  People will tell me things I am really ashamed of are okay but they are not okay to me.  I would never normally do some of the things which I have done when hypo-manic and things I have done cause me great pain as they do not fit with my concious values although I take full responsibility for my behaviour.  I can get myself into a depression from reminiscing about these things and can get into a vicious cycle.

bipolar disorder and me where does one end and the other begin

Petition...

Sign Petition to Demand an Apology for the Headline

Halloween Costumes

This makes me mad...  'psycho' costumes

I am one of those who takes offence.  How can a costume making fun out of the worse time of anyone's life be good for entertainment!  With fear of mental health patients, what do we teach our children when mental health stereo types are portrayed in Halloween costumes. Very ANGRY!  I stopped shopping at Tesco sometime ago, if I hadn't stopped I would do now.

Support Time-To-Change

Married Life

Well I got married to Mr R.

Life just feels more complete, I feel settled and content.  I got married at the beginning of July and after a 2 week holiday in the US of A I started work at the University of Oxford.  I am only working 4 days a week and it is definitely more manageable however I have had a significant decrease in pay.

To compensate for the reduced pay, I have started cooking. We use to eat out 2 or 3 times a week but I am 'playing house' at the moment.  I am doing a weekly meal plan and a weekly grocery shop.  I think I'm doing well with my new routine.

Life is wonderful and I am very very happy!

26.5 Working days to go!

42 days, 6 weeks to married life!

31 working days to go!

47 days to married life!

I have a lot to do, this weekend we have bought the dresses for my flower girls, next weekend I am going to London's flower market to plan the table flowers.  I have a hair and make-up practice this week, dress fitting in 2 weeks, Hen night in 3 weeks, meeting with the registrar, meeting with the florist. We also have to choose music for the ceremony, the meal and for the evening... The list goes on and on....

I have so many nice , exciting things to do and I have to go to work to a job I hate.  The only thing that makes me go is looking at the bill for the wedding, if it was not for that I would never go in again.  I should be looking forwards to my wedding not leaving work, however there is no need to count down to the wedding as the days planning fly by with excitement and days at work drag like hell!

35 working days to unemployment!

52 days to married life!

36 days to unemployment!

Counting down the minutes!

37 days to unemployment

I feel sick with the stress of working my notice.  A colleague of mine from the US has given his notice and only has to work two weeks notice period compared to my two month notice period.  I really don't know how I am going to get through this.  I feel sick at the thought of work and I cannot bring myself to do any :(.  I'm not ill as I am quite happy and functional in my life away from work, work just gets me down and I am fully buned out from the prolonged stress of working at that place.

I have started applying for new jobs, but at this stage I'm only applying for really interesting positions where I think I will be able to contribute effectively without getting into this situation again.  I want a job which interests me and which I can keep at for several years.  Preferbly somewhere where I can be open about my illness and receive support and not get into such stressful situations.

I am counting down the days, I have 37 working days left until I becaome a lady of leisure.  I am not getting anything done, everybody want a piece of me and I have nothing left to give.

Unemployment

Lots has happened since I last posted.  The biggest thing is I am getting married in just 9 weeks and 2 hours time.  I am really looking forward to married life and initially I will not be working.

I have handed my notice in at work as the stress has been relentless.  Although I am reasonably well compared to depressions I have had in the past, work is unbearable.  I have awkward clients that do not understand English, who keep changing their minds and want the world and all by tomorrow.  The company policy seems to be we never say no to a client no matter whether their request is ethical or even possible.

Mr R is being fantastic, he did really want me to quit. I have some savings which means I do not have to worry about being unemployed for a few months.  At the moment I am not sure whether I will continue my career or go into less demanding employment in another industry.  Now I am getting married and I am sharing living expenses, I can afford to take a pay cut which leaves me options to work part time or even perhaps retrain.

I am still struggling with mental health services on the NHS.  As work has been hard and my confidence has been low I have had a few bad days. As I have also reduced my medication I went to my GP and asked to talk to someone, perhaps some counselling or CBT before things get worse I said!  They referred me to a counselling service which I had to wait one month for someone to ring me to assess my needs.  After this call they rejected me as my problems are too complex and I have been referred to psychological services for assessment and they may refer me back to the counselling service.This is a nightmare.  In the mean time I have been doing some CBT online at the MoodGym, it seems to be a really good program.

I have to work my notice period for a further two months before I leave my job, I leave a few days before the wedding.  Right now I don't think I will make it another 2 months but I really want to get out of the job without a black mark against my name so I get a reference. I also don't want to have to cut back on the wedding budget.  I have to balance this against sitting in front of the computer staring at it blankly all day, the days really drag doing this and it is not getting any work done nor doing my health any good.

I best stare at something work related for a little while....

Wedding Bells!

I am officially engaged to be married! The date is set for the summer and plans are starting to fall into place.

Work sucks

Gosh I feel blue.  Work is really getting on top of me.  They hired me two years ago as an expert in my field but they do not listen to anything I have to say.  Then when it all goes pear shaped I have to pick up the pieces.  All this company seems to want is my CV on their files so they can win business but when it comes to doing the work, they don't listen to anything I have to say.  I need to get out of this place as it is depressing me.

I had a telephone interview for a new job last Friday, they said they liked me and wanted to see me for a face to face interview.  I am waiting for the phone call to arrange a time.  Unfortunately, even if this does work out, I am on three months notice.  I am hoping they will let me go earlier if I get it.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

They just rang back, I'm definitely through to stage two and they will have me in for a face to face interview next week.