Self Harm as a Release

I have always thought of self harm as a cry for help and never seriously attempted it before as I was worried that people would think I am attention seeking and being a spoilt brat.

Yesterday I had a particulary bad day at work, I had put all my effort into two peices of work and really gave it everything I had. I thought on Wednesday it was complete, when I went in yesterday morning a very senior person in the company said simply he had changed his mind and did not want to use the wording I provided as an alternative for his inappropriate proposal. He wrote quite a rude and abrupt email so that really upset me.

I did not do any work yeasterday and I was in tears a couple of times. I was really ready to just resign and have done with it. I have been living in this town for nearly 5 years and I have tried really hard to meet people during the last 18 months and there is still no one I can call upon to go to the pub with after a bad day! I was seriouslg considering quitting my job and moving closer to my family. After all, a stressful famly is better than no famly!

I watch TV until 11pm just in numb mode, I went to bed and cryed for a while. After a bit the idea of self harm came into my head, I thought of the kitchen knives and I tried to cut myself wih a huge chopper. I did not want to cut deep as I did not want anyone to know. It did not matter if people thought I was attention seeking, I knew I was not!! In fact I did not want anyone to know!

The knives did not cut me, they were too blunt. I covered a used light bulb with a cloth and smashed it with a hammer. It took quite some effort to cut through my skin and draw blood. I was really surprised about how thick my skin is.

I have only managed a cut of about 1 cm. I felt quiet in the mind after, it was a release. I forced myself to get up and go to work this morning. I must have looked a right wreck. I did not wash, (I cleaned teeth cos of my brace) but I threw dirty clothes on and went to work.

It was really hard wth peple saying morning and stuff, I went to the bathroom several time and tryed to bite myself. I gotr some good hard bites up both arms but did not draw blood. It was a release from an unbearable situation.

At lunch time my boss (who I think of as a friend) asked me to join him for lunch. We had a good chat about things and I felt a lot better this afternoon :o). I do not feel like harming myself anymore.

I now understand that self harm is not attention seeking, those people I listened to many years ago when I was frst contemplating it were wrong. Self harm is a release. I in no way want to kill myself or stop living but the self harm is a coping strategy. Not an ideal one but it take the emotional pain away.

I know I probably need a bit more help right noe but I do not want to bother the doctor or psychiatrist this close to Christmas. Anyway I do not want more meds and I do not want pity. My chat at lunch time was the help I needed.

I am going to get my PC fixed in the new year as a matter of a priority, my blogg is definitely a better release than bites.

The bite marks are gone now, but they took several hours to go. I hope they do not bruise as I do not want to wear long sleeves all over Christmas.

Sorry for such a depressive post so close to Christmas, but it helps to write these things down. I still feel I have a new confidence, I am not bad for wanting to harm myself, it was a coping strategy until someone had time for me!

The Knives

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the worse day of my life. No one outside the cyber world really knows what happened and how I felt that day. The 7 July 2005 was not only the day of the London bombings for me it was the day my anxiety crossed a line and I was no longer in control.

The live news coverage of the bombings gave me a few hours relief from the hell that was going on inside my head. I intended to tell people who read this about what happened to me that day but as I have started to type I am finding I do not want to remember.

What bought my thoughts back was slicing a tomato with a very sharp knife my Mum bought me for Christmas. I was looking for a knife that day as I wanted to cut my wrists, I did not have one sharp enough. As I got better I found I do not like having too many tablets in the house as I decided on that once I could not find a knife. When I was given the knives all I could think about was how easy it would be to slice flesh with them. The images come to my head each time I use them. The other day while washing one of them I got a very shallow cut on my thumb. The knives are a weapon I could use on myself if I ever get that low again.

I really want to get rid of them, as I know on that day, had I found one I would have used it to end my life. I did not want to wake up again, I swore in previous depressions I would not risk my life on a cry for help, I would have done it properly! I am frightened of getting that low again. I only buy small packets of headache tablets for this reason and I do not want a set of giant kitchen knives in my flat!!!

My mother would not have bought them for me had she known, she says they frighten her, if only she knew what they did to me! She spent a lot of money on this gift so what would I say to her next time she comes to stay and takes over my kitchen?