Self Harm as a Release

I have always thought of self harm as a cry for help and never seriously attempted it before as I was worried that people would think I am attention seeking and being a spoilt brat.

Yesterday I had a particulary bad day at work, I had put all my effort into two peices of work and really gave it everything I had. I thought on Wednesday it was complete, when I went in yesterday morning a very senior person in the company said simply he had changed his mind and did not want to use the wording I provided as an alternative for his inappropriate proposal. He wrote quite a rude and abrupt email so that really upset me.

I did not do any work yeasterday and I was in tears a couple of times. I was really ready to just resign and have done with it. I have been living in this town for nearly 5 years and I have tried really hard to meet people during the last 18 months and there is still no one I can call upon to go to the pub with after a bad day! I was seriouslg considering quitting my job and moving closer to my family. After all, a stressful famly is better than no famly!

I watch TV until 11pm just in numb mode, I went to bed and cryed for a while. After a bit the idea of self harm came into my head, I thought of the kitchen knives and I tried to cut myself wih a huge chopper. I did not want to cut deep as I did not want anyone to know. It did not matter if people thought I was attention seeking, I knew I was not!! In fact I did not want anyone to know!

The knives did not cut me, they were too blunt. I covered a used light bulb with a cloth and smashed it with a hammer. It took quite some effort to cut through my skin and draw blood. I was really surprised about how thick my skin is.

I have only managed a cut of about 1 cm. I felt quiet in the mind after, it was a release. I forced myself to get up and go to work this morning. I must have looked a right wreck. I did not wash, (I cleaned teeth cos of my brace) but I threw dirty clothes on and went to work.

It was really hard wth peple saying morning and stuff, I went to the bathroom several time and tryed to bite myself. I gotr some good hard bites up both arms but did not draw blood. It was a release from an unbearable situation.

At lunch time my boss (who I think of as a friend) asked me to join him for lunch. We had a good chat about things and I felt a lot better this afternoon :o). I do not feel like harming myself anymore.

I now understand that self harm is not attention seeking, those people I listened to many years ago when I was frst contemplating it were wrong. Self harm is a release. I in no way want to kill myself or stop living but the self harm is a coping strategy. Not an ideal one but it take the emotional pain away.

I know I probably need a bit more help right noe but I do not want to bother the doctor or psychiatrist this close to Christmas. Anyway I do not want more meds and I do not want pity. My chat at lunch time was the help I needed.

I am going to get my PC fixed in the new year as a matter of a priority, my blogg is definitely a better release than bites.

The bite marks are gone now, but they took several hours to go. I hope they do not bruise as I do not want to wear long sleeves all over Christmas.

Sorry for such a depressive post so close to Christmas, but it helps to write these things down. I still feel I have a new confidence, I am not bad for wanting to harm myself, it was a coping strategy until someone had time for me!