Thursday, July 06, 2006

The Knives

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the worse day of my life. No one outside the cyber world really knows what happened and how I felt that day. The 7 July 2005 was not only the day of the London bombings for me it was the day my anxiety crossed a line and I was no longer in control.

The live news coverage of the bombings gave me a few hours relief from the hell that was going on inside my head. I intended to tell people who read this about what happened to me that day but as I have started to type I am finding I do not want to remember.

What bought my thoughts back was slicing a tomato with a very sharp knife my Mum bought me for Christmas. I was looking for a knife that day as I wanted to cut my wrists, I did not have one sharp enough. As I got better I found I do not like having too many tablets in the house as I decided on that once I could not find a knife. When I was given the knives all I could think about was how easy it would be to slice flesh with them. The images come to my head each time I use them. The other day while washing one of them I got a very shallow cut on my thumb. The knives are a weapon I could use on myself if I ever get that low again.

I really want to get rid of them, as I know on that day, had I found one I would have used it to end my life. I did not want to wake up again, I swore in previous depressions I would not risk my life on a cry for help, I would have done it properly! I am frightened of getting that low again. I only buy small packets of headache tablets for this reason and I do not want a set of giant kitchen knives in my flat!!!

My mother would not have bought them for me had she known, she says they frighten her, if only she knew what they did to me! She spent a lot of money on this gift so what would I say to her next time she comes to stay and takes over my kitchen?


Raine said...

I have two options for you. 1.) you get rid of them and tell her the truth. 2.) you keep them, but take each one and find a pipe and then run the edges of each knife over the pipe hard as if you are trying to cut it. But do it firmly with pressure. This will ruin the edge of the knife and it will no longer be sharp enough. I did that to all my knifes when my daughter was suicidal and it worked. She actually got around me in the middle of the night and tried and couldnt even scratch herself with one.(She told me bout it later) This way you will still have the knifes and you can just tell your mom you dont know what happened to them. Personally I think you should just tell her the truth, but I dont know how your relationship with your mom is, so I cant really make the decision for you. At any rate the most important thing is to always keep yourself safe sweety.

Sage said...

Annie...You have given me a real dilemna on this post. I feel compelled to write as it is an important issue but at the same time I feel unqualified to do so. Firstly I don't feel that you should get rid of the knives nor do I agree with Raine (although its a neat idea) that you dull the knives either. My thoughts are that you should explain the entire situation to your Mum so that she might take them home with her. If she were to come over and find them dulled what might she say? If they were gone you would have to either lie or run the risk of hurting her feelings. Therefore it is only logical to comme clean and tell her assuming she knows your entire mental background, if not then you need another plan but that is the best idea.
I do understand the concept of cutting as my wife #2 Remy was/is a cutter and on occasion gets the urge to cut even today although she hasn't cut in about 10 years. The reason that she used to cut was different from many as it wasn't a suicidal thing but she love the feeling. I had to do a lot of studying to learn the appeal she had for it. I'm still anything but an expert but I am atleast knowledgeable about the concept. I trust you work it out.

Raine said...

I do agree with Sage on that as first choice- the only reason I didnt say give them back was that I was under the impression that your mom was afraid of them also

Annie said...

I am nor going to give them back to my Mum as my relationship with her is too complicated, I am going to ask my friend if she would like to borrow the largest knife and the horrible chopper thing on indefinite loan. The smallest two I actually use quite a lot so they wll get blunter in time.

I can not tell my Mum as she disaproves of any talk about self harm and makes me feel like an idiot and that I am 3 years old. I do not get on well with my Mum, she still disaproves of me taking medications and thinks I am weak. I just don't want to bring the topic up again.