Thursday, July 06, 2006
Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the worse day of my life. No one outside the cyber world really knows what happened and how I felt that day. The 7 July 2005 was not only the day of the London bombings for me it was the day my anxiety crossed a line and I was no longer in control.
The live news coverage of the bombings gave me a few hours relief from the hell that was going on inside my head. I intended to tell people who read this about what happened to me that day but as I have started to type I am finding I do not want to remember.
What bought my thoughts back was slicing a tomato with a very sharp knife my Mum bought me for Christmas. I was looking for a knife that day as I wanted to cut my wrists, I did not have one sharp enough. As I got better I found I do not like having too many tablets in the house as I decided on that once I could not find a knife. When I was given the knives all I could think about was how easy it would be to slice flesh with them. The images come to my head each time I use them. The other day while washing one of them I got a very shallow cut on my thumb. The knives are a weapon I could use on myself if I ever get that low again.
I really want to get rid of them, as I know on that day, had I found one I would have used it to end my life. I did not want to wake up again, I swore in previous depressions I would not risk my life on a cry for help, I would have done it properly! I am frightened of getting that low again. I only buy small packets of headache tablets for this reason and I do not want a set of giant kitchen knives in my flat!!!
My mother would not have bought them for me had she known, she says they frighten her, if only she knew what they did to me! She spent a lot of money on this gift so what would I say to her next time she comes to stay and takes over my kitchen?