Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Is there really anything wrong with me...

The week before last I was at the gym every night my mood was NOT particulary high but I was feeling fat and frumpy and thought the exercise might help. By last week I stopped the gym each night. I could not get up to go to work in the mornings so getting to work late meant I had to stay late to get the work done. I spoke to my boss yesterday and discussed working at home for some of the time this week just to get life back on track. He agreed without any resistence, he just asked me to make an appointment with occupational health as a follow up.

The thing is though, have I just got behind at work because I have been staying up late at night. My mood has got worse because I have not been eating properly and I'm just over tired and a bit fed up or have I got myself into a hole because my moods were not stable in the first place.

I wonder if I just hide behind my diagnosis as it is easier than sorting my life out. Everyone has moods and I am just wondering if I suffer anymore than anyone else. I have a comfy job, working from home 50% of the time right now. I feel really lucky. I feel a bit worried about taking advantage and using my illness as an excuse for poor performance at work.

I have also been wondering about diagnosis, is there really anything wrong with me. Do I just make too much fuss about small fluctuations in my mood or do I really need to be aware of my moods and manage them.

I'm so pissed off with this label, if you are told you are sick in the head and your thoughts are distorted how are you ever suppose to trust anything you think again! Justbeing given this label is enough to screw you up for life even if you are perfectly well!!!

I think I spend too much time analysing my moods and just need to let go. I really fear being psychotic again though!

WHY OH WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!!!!!!

5 comments:

Alex Nagy said...

I dunno what to say other then that my doc and therapist say that being on and keeping a regular sleep schedule is very important to us folks with BPD, so the change in sleep schedule could be a bad thing for you. Get back to a normal sleep schedule and don't overdue it at the gym, and cheer up! You've got someone who like you to help you through the bad times, right?

Nothing better then a shoulder to lean on when needed, in my opinion.

Annie said...

Thanks Alex :)

Alex Nagy said...

You're welcome annie!

Raine said...

Alex beat me to it lol. Its imperative to managing your illness to keep a regular schedule. Lack of sleep will mess up your moods and start the cycling and when I start getting depressed I start thinking the same way you are. Just before I get REALLY depressed and KNOW I am really ill. I start thinking there is nothing really wrong with me, I am just lazy and taking the system for a ride just like people always say and I should get back to work.....actually this is when I have a normal spell and I convince myself I can do just that. Then depression hits with a vengeance and I realize that it is just not possible and I am even more depressed because I realize I really am ill. Dont play with your sleep Annie. Its important

Anonymous said...

Annie,
I know what you're going through with the BPD. I've had it for four years now. It don't want it to own me and neither should you. It's hard to have a label of mentally ill when no one in the world understands unless they've been there. Check out my blog if you get a chance mindrides.com