Wednesday, August 20, 2008

A new relationship, a BIG risk to find LOVE!

I'm still fed up, work is really difficult at the moment and everything is going wrong. My mind is just numb.

I'm still seeing that guy I mentioned a few posts ago. We had a really nice weekend and are planning to meet again on Sunday. I'm just taking things one day at the time and trying to enjoy it. It's nice to have someone about who cares for me and someone I care about.

I am quite screwed up when it comes to relationships. My parents have not shown each other any affection since I was very small. It seems to me that they can not bare to be in the same room as each other. My Mum seems to despise my Dad and is really nasty and spiteful to him. He just takes it all and rarely retaliates. My eldest sister (who is a half sister) says that my Mum married him for a meal ticket as she was a single Mum. I know my grandparents told her not to marry him because she would always regret it. From what I can remember they liked my Dad very much and I never heard a bad word, from them, against him. I wonder if she had doubts from the start?

All I can think about is being stuck in a relationship and not being able to get out, just like she is. Last year when I was dating someone who was completely wrong for me my Mum told me that I was stupid to dump him because I was not getting any younger and there might not be anyone else who wanted me. Maybe I should just not take her relationship advise and leave it at that.

I have been thinking about visiting my Grandparents grave. I have never done it before however, sometimes when I was very upset I would feel like my Nan was there. Shortly after my Grandad died I felt he was there too. I have not felt their presence for a few years. I wonder if I would get some comfort from visiting their grave? When my Grandad died my mood was all over the place. It was shortly before I was first diagnosed with depression. I wore a yellow jacket to his funeral, I don't think he would forgive me or understand!

I am also screwed up from the one serious relationship I have had. I was emotionally dependent on someone else. I hid behind him and would not do anything alone. I never want to be like that again. It took me years to really get over him dumping me. I'm a bit nervous of falling in love with someone and being dumped! However, even that has to be better than being stuck in a relationship without love.

This man is nervous of failure and thinks rejection is failure. To me failure is making the wrong decision and ultimately being unhappy myself or hurting him. The earlier you get out of a relationship the less hurt but if you get out too soon without finding out if you might have a future you are on your own forever. I think maybe we might have a future.

I want it to work, I want a secure loving relationship with a future. I want to share the ups and downs of life and I want someone to share the mundane routine with. I know I need to let go of the anxieties and just get to know him and find out if he wants the same things as I do. I have now started caring enough not to want it to go wrong.

I wonder what it would be like to have a 'normal' confident life. The early days of a romance are suppose to be a whirl wind of pleasure!!! Oh why oh why!!


Anonymous said...

Here's wishing you well, and don't let negative people bring you down. They just resent not having the audacity to make the choices you're able to make for yourself.

Raine said...

well for one thing you are just dating him right now- not marrying him. Dont marry anyone til you feel like there is nothing you want more. Another thing- even if you did marry and it didnt work out, you would never be "stuck". You own a home, you know how to support yourself and well. You are not dependant on anyone. If you had to leave a relationship you know how to take care of yourself quite well. Dont forget that Annie.

Anonymous said...

Too true, raine.