Short Days

I am beginning to have had enough of the short days now. I feel ready to do a little more work and hate being stuck at home when I am feeling well. I refuse to work longer hours when they are not paying me to do so. I just need some hobbies to make time at home without Mr R more interesting.

I think I will start preparing for a Christmassy Christmas. Still I feel quite excluded from the world as I am not allowed to work proper hours.

Tough Times.

Things are difficult at the moment. As the seasons changed my mood deteriated. People started to notice that I was not my usual self. After a water leak in my flat I had a mini break down. I couldn't cope with everything.

I took a few days off work and then went to the doctors. The doctor asked me lots of questions and then recommended reduced working hours for two weeks. This was great. I was not expecting anything from my GP. the reduced hours worked a treat. I was happy again. I was getting more work done and had energy left over to cook and do household things in the evening. This was a real lifeline.

My manager and director wished me well and had no problems with this. However Human Resources are another matter. they started giving me a hard time and did not want to pay me and they wanted to write to my GP and kept warning me I would not be paid. My management were brilliant and fought my case and I will be paid for those two weeks.

I returned to the doctors after the two weeks feeling ready to return to work full time and expecting that to be her advice. After talking to her for a while she recommended taking a further two weeks with reduced hours. I was called into my managers office yesterday and she told me I will not be paid for the hours I do not work. By contract I am entitled to 20 days paid leave and this adds up to less than 6 days over 4 weeks and they will not pay me. They have in the contract that sick pay is at the managers discretion and my manager supports paying me but Human Resources overruled him.

Anyway. Very stressed now!!

To finish things off my Nan died at 3am this morning. We were not particularly close. She was in hospital and I went to see her a few weeks ago. She seemed relatively well and convinced she would only be in for a few days. I was going to take Mr R to meet her in the next few weeks and take her Christmas present with me.

R.I.P Nanny.

Medication

My old psychiatrist said to me that once I was in a protective relationship we could consider reducing my medication.  I do want to reduce them one day but at the same time I am quite scared.  I have had a brilliant 6 months, probably one of the best times of my life.  I don't want it to end and I don't want Mr R to be put under any pressure or stress if I become sick.  Neither can I afford to be sick from a work point of view.  I am on 3-4 months check ups with my GP at the moment, I may raise it with her next time I visit.

Mr R and the next step

Mr R and I have been discussing moving in together.  I have made it clear that I don't want to do this unless we have a future together and we are in this for the long term.  Mr R compared this to the sun coming up in the mornings, the sun has come up every day for the last 6 months and there is no reason to think the sun will not keep coming up.  The thing is if we want a good future together we will need all the money we can get hold of, it is VERY expensive to live in the south east of England and there are few professional jobs elsewhere in the country.

If we pooled our resources we could save almost a whole sallary towards buying a property (and even getting married one day).  I think we will make it, he thinks we will  make it, there is no reason to think we won't and we both really want to be together forever.

 My one doubt remains, he does not want children as much as I do and I fear I may not be being truely honest with myself about how much I want children.  I have a very powerful maternal instinct when I see a baby or young child but when I think rationally maybe I don't want them.  When Mr R spoke about our future he spoke of the nice house, the garden and the cats but no mention of the children.

I pushed one man I once loved away because I wanted the whole package of marriage and children and I ended up loosing everything, he used my wants as one excuse amongst many to end things despite now being engaged to his confidont of the time. 

Mr R comes first and I love him very much and we will be officially moving in together.  To me it is a brave decision, but thinking in the moment nothing feels more right and more natural and no one knows what may or may not happen tomorrow but with Mr R by my side I feel like I can handle what ever comes my way. 

Children or No Children, the dilema!

I'm in my mid thirties now (34).  I told my GP that I was in a new relationship and she really worried me.  The conversation started with talking about contraception.  That's fine I'm comfortable with that.  Then she said I needed a very reliable contraception because of the drugs I am taking which are not suitable if you want to become pregnant.  Still fair enough.  I told her we were using condoms and this is where it starts to go wrong.  She frowns so I ask what she would recomend as I prefer not to take the pill due to it's association with depression.  She started by suggesting the implant which works for three years, however because of my age she changed her mind and said if I had the slightest urge to have children it was not for me.  I am too old as it lasts three years I maybe too old to have children once the effects wear off.  She basically said that if I want children I need to have them now.  But hadn't I just told her I was in a new relationship.  Ummm.  I'm so confused.

My Mum also thinks I should have children asap.

I think I would like children, ideally we would have met several years ago and now be considering whether we wanted children and planning for this but we didn't.  He needs time to get use to the idea of children as it is not something he has given much thought to.  Does that mean he never will want children?  He said he was not opposed to the idea but not for a good few years.  The problem is I may not have a good few years and I have told him this.

On top of all these normal worries I then have to think about my medication, risks to a baby, risks to my own health and the strain and pressure Mr R would be under if I were to become seriously ill.  When I think how stressed and tired I get now I wonder whether having a baby would be a good idea anyway.

I have thought about this a lot and at no time have I thought for a second that Mr R is not for me regardless of whether or not he ever wants children.  I won't be having the implant incase the opportunity for children happens, I won't be having children anytime soon and I won't give up Mr R.  I just hope that one day Mr R would like children too and that day does comes before my biological clock says too late.  It makes me very sad to think it might not happen for us.

Mr R

It's hard to find time to post recently, I think that's a good thing. Life is going pretty well.  I love Mr. R more and more all the time.  I spend nearly all my free time with him and time just flys by.  He understands depression and supports me a lot when I have a bad day.  But not only does he support me he also gets cross with me if I sit around feeling sorry for myself.  He makes sure I get up and go out :o).  He's just what I need.

I do worry a lot though.  My new job is quite challenging and I really don't know whether I am not good enough to do the job or I am just still finding the ropes.  I have sleepless nights about it sometimes.

I get very insecure about work and when I talk to my Mr R I sense he gets frustrated with me and does not feel he can help.  I try to reassure him I am ok and my illness is my problem at the end of the day.  Just being with him makes me feel better.  When I am with him it puts everything into perspective.  All that's important is love and being with those you love, it does not matter if you are cleaning the streets or president of the US, when you're in love, nothing else compares. 

Mr R told me jobs come and go, everything comes and goes but we are for the long term :o)!  We are going out for dinner tonight to one of my favourite restaurants.  I want to go and make myself look beautiful for him.

I keep expecting to wake up and find the last few months have all been a wonderful dream and I will go back to that person who just sits in front of the TV to take her mind off how crap life is.

Mr R knows about my blog and my past now so we have no secrets.  I couldn't imagine life without him anymore.  I hope I never have to. 

I'm falling in love again

Things are wonderful with my new man.  I wish I could spend every minute of every day with him.  I have had a rotten day today, things at work are difficult, my car failed it's MOT .  He is home and I have not mentioned my blog yet, best go for now...

iPhone

I have set up my phone for blog posting.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Tapas restaurant

a general update

I am still seeing my R, he is still gorgeous and perfect in every way.  He is very supportive of me and encourages me to get out more and walk and stuff.  My Mr R left my flat this morning before work and I will not see him again until sunday as I am going to visit my parents for a few days.

I have seen the NHS psychiatrist and she basically she noted my history, reassured me I would be able to see her when I needed to and discharged me into the care of my GP.  I feel much better these day anyway so I just hope it continues to last.

I baked my Mum a birthday cake yestrday, I need to get a cake tin on the way home from work so I can transport it.  It is a sponge cake with Jam and butter icing.  It has cherries and jelli diamonds on top.

I better get back to doing some work, although I am struggling lots today.  but in general I like the job and have passed my probation period.

Oh yes, one more thing, I think I have stopped putting weight on, I just need to loose some now to get back to where I was.

Life is looking up!!

After about 6 years of loneliness I have finally met a man who I actually quite like, enjoy spending time with and do not feel pressured by.  He is still being quite perfect.  He sent me 20 red roses on valentine's day, we have just been away for a perfect weekend despite it being cold and wet.  We have been together 4 weeks now and I still have not discovered the catch with him.  I did not think I would be this happy with anyone elses company now I have learnt to be happy with my own.  We seem to enjoy many hobbies together and everything feels easy.

I also started a new job 5 weeks ago, it has been a bit slow getting started but I am enjoying it.  There is less pressure and it is only a 5minute drive away.  It used to take me nearly an hour to get to my old place of work.

I went to New Zealand for 3 weeks in January, it was fantastic.  Luckily I missed all the earthquakes.