I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after a psychotic episode in the summer of 2005. I think I had a mixed episode with psychosis and anxiety. It was really frightening and I believed I was dying but no one would tell me. I did not sleep for over a week but I did not feel tired and would pace and walk around rather than sitting still! My mind was racing and my beliefs got more and more terrifying.
I was first diagnosed with depression in 2000 when I was 23 and I had three severe episodes of depression before I was diagnosed with bipolar. The summer of 2005 was the first time I was psychotic and I would rather die than go through that again. I thought I was dying and no one would tell me. I also thought my mother was dying at one time. I played out some of my most deepest fantasies. All my life, up to my diagnosis, my view of the world had been darkened by depression, this had made fantasies a large part of my life and they had also become very dark.
I remember feeling very anxious since I was extremely young, my first memories of school when I was 4 years old were about anxiety, of course I did not understand what it was at the time. I would not speak to the teachers, I was frightened and I was getting told off for being rude because I would not answer the teachers. I was always in trouble but I never said a word. I now believe I had selective mutism which is an anxiety disorder which was only recognised as an illness a few years before I suffered. I was just seen as rude and naughty.
At the moment I am well, I take 50mg Sertraline (also known as Lustral or Zoloft) for my anxiety and I take 2.5mg od Aripiprzole (also known as Abilify) as a mood stabiliser. These provide few side effects but I am trying to reduce these as much as possible to try for a family.
Since my diagnosis in 2005 I have been relatively well, I have had a few episodes of depression, some deeper than others. I have also had a couple of periods where I have needed to work reduced hours. Mostly because of an extremely stressful job. I have also had a couple of periods where I have got a bit carried away with things and felt far more confident than usual, I usually look back at these times with shame and regret.
In the summer of this year (2013) I married my man (Mr. R). I am very happy and along with all the love, he also supports me, lets me talk, lets me hide under the duvet and provides stability.
Life was very dark before I was diagnosed, I always knew I was different and did not fit in but did not know why. Getting the correct diagnosis has been the best thing that has happened in my life however, I had to get extremely sick before I managed to get the help I needed.
I first wanted to kill myself when I was about 12; to everyone else I was just a moody teenager who spent all my time in my room (nobody ever came to see what I was doing) I thought nobody cared. I was an easy target for bullies and I would hang around with all the other kids who were bullied. Some of whom are still good friends. But I was not happy, I planned my suicide, I put the suicide note under my mattress and planned to take an overdose about a mile from my house down a farm track called green lane. I just never went through with it; I clinged to the hope that life would get better.
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