The massage was lovely and has worked a treat.

Massage as therapy

Working on some learnings from my time in hospital a few years ago, how you feel physically and mentally are very closely linked.  I have booked a deep tissue massage for lunch time in the hope it will induce a relaxing and productive weekend.  I am extremely tense and my shoulders are hunched up.  I'm looking forward to an hour of bliss!

I am working from home on easy stress free stuff this morning :o) but I feel awful about the stress I am causing others by not doing the most urgent stuff :'o(.  Still at least I am working!

miserable, poorly and paranoid

This is my 200th post.  WOW! I never thought this blog would last more than 5 minutes, I definitely didn't intend to keep it going this long!  Writing to my blog does make me feel better tho'.

My day has been crap again, my mood is falling and I keep crying.  I have also been daignosed with irritable bowel syndrome which just adds to the overall discomfort.  I came home sick again today as my stomach felt like it was going to explode :'-(!

I keep crying for no real reason too and this morning at work I was feeling very paranoid.  I had to do a short presentation and I lost my nerve. :'-(.  I also felt very self concious :-(.  I cry when people look at me and I cry when people are nice to me, and I cry when people ignore me!  Poor people!!

I am feeling much better today and I am looking forward to going back to work on Monday.  I am going to have lots of catching up to do!  I will make another attempt to increase the aripiprazole under the supervision of my psychiatrist.  i see him again next week.

Sick Leave

I am on sick leave at the moment.  I have a job which is a desk job and requires a lot of thinking.  The problem is I can not sit still, settle and get on with my work at the moment.  I have a lot of built up physical energy that keeps telling me to get up and do something.  The frustration comes when there is nothing physical to do.  I was climbing the walls at home in my one bedroom flat so I am staying with my Mum for a few days.  There is nothing physically wrong with me but I am incapable of sitting down and concentrating.  I am sick but I do worry that others do not understand the nature of my illness :o(.

Aripiprazole Update

I am still at my Mum's although I am going to try and do some work tomorrow or evven later today.  I think my agitation is stress related as well as the side effect of aripiprazole.  I spoke to my psychiatrist this morning and I am to reduce both the aripiprazole back to 5mg daily and the queytiapine is to be reduced further to 25mg daily and we will review on Monday.  He thinks it is a transition problem and will calm down.  I hope so as I am certainly enjoying having those few extra hours in the day!

My mind is quiet, it is not like anxiety, but I keep getting up like I need or want to be doing something.  I just don't seem to be ableto settle down and get on with anything at all.  Perhaps that is why I am doing lots of short blog posts.

I can't sit still!!  My brain keeps telling me to get upand walk about!
I am going to go and visit my Mum!  I have a phone call booked with the psychiatrist tomorrow morning.

Staying off sick today!

I am staying at home today, I have had a really good nights sleep and I even took an afternoon nap yesterday.  Maybe my body just needs time to adjust after taking quetiapine for several years.  The quetiapine made me sleep 10 to 12 hours per night, sometimes longer so it makes sense that 8 hours will not be enough during the transition.  I took an extra 25mg of quetiapine yesterday as I could not settle and sit still.

I am staying at home today, maybe do a little work from home once I start to get bored.  I think I could go back to sleep right now :o)!

I came home sick again

I have come home sick again today.  Sometimes I just think it would be nice for someone to ask how I am?  or whats wrong? or how is the new medication going?  But no this is an illness people struggle to talk about and despite my openess and informing people I am changing medication, no one asks me how it is going, how I am feeling or why I have gone home sick two days in a row.  It's not a lot but it would mean a lot to me while I am feeling fed up and sick of all the meds. 

I feel like an overweight fast approaching middle aged women who lives on the outskirts of society.  I can cope with much of the weirdness, jerky movements, discomfort, inability to sit still but I so desire to feel a partof the gang and one of the crowd.  But I'll never be that and I have always known that.

Being myself is fine and I have confidence to be myself but I still wantto be one of the crowd too.

I have an appointment with my GP on Monday and the Psychiatrist on Wednesday.  I'm thinking of staying at home for a few days.

I feel ill now :o(

I have just come home from work sick, my stomach is the size of a fooball, I could burp for England andI could not sit still.  I went for a brisk walk which seemed to help but my tummy hurts.  My stomach is notdrug related just woman related but it is not helping with my overall comfort!

Aripirazole update

Things are still going well with the new drug. I increased the dose from 5mg to 10mg two nights ago.  I also decreased the quetiapine from100mg to 50mg.  I have noticed that ocassionally I have been a little jittery, and also noticed it harder to sit still for long periods of time.  This may well be I am just noticing it more as it is a known side effect.    I haven't lost any weight but I am still eating too much.  I am going to try harder this week!

I had a lovely day out with Friends yesterday.  We visited HMS Victory and did a boat tour of all the current war ships.  There were ships visiting from the Netherlands and Germany, these were my favourites :o).

On Tuesday I find out what is happening to my job, whether I still have one and whether it is going to change much.  I'm trying to be positive.

Reaction to BBC documentary 'My Child Won't Speak'

Well I watched it.  It was quite emotional for me.  Each of the three girls had a different impact on me.  When I was a child I would not talk to any adults outside my immediate family.  I still struggle with anyone who has the upper hand or in a position of authority although I do comfortably manage polite greetings these days.

Danielle was the eldest and still didn't speak when she was 14 or 15 years old.  She started a new school to help her overcome her difficulties.  I felt for her as she was fighting the fight without professional help but with a mother who recognised she was suffering.  I had to manage without proffessional help, without any help for that matter.

 My mother went through all the emotions discussed by the other mothers; the reasoning, the bribary, the desperation, the frustration and even tried disciplining me.  But I never ever felt she understood.  She is a strong believer that exroverts are better than introverts, not different, better! And she never let me forget it.   I had a conversation, aged 11 or 12, that I was too old to be shy now.  I was no longer a little girl and itwas just rude.

Megan is a beautiful little girl aged 10.  She was having therapy at school. All the other kids had just got use to not talking to her.  But, she was getting help and starting to win her fight. She had a very quiet voice but everyone was quiet and listened to her.  I remember when I use to try and talk at school, I was not heard.  The teacher saw my lips moving one day and I was told if I wanted to talk I would have to talk louder.  I felt so embarrised I did not try again.

Red was the youngest.  She was eight years old and could not speak to her grandfather.  She obviously loved him very much!  I missed out on relationships with my Grandparents and Uncles as I was growing up.  It is only recently that I have realised how many happy memories my sisters have of them,  I have was left out.  There is still time for meet to know my Uncles but it is very hard for me to start a conversation now after so many years of polite hellos and goodbyes with nothing inbetween.  After this programe I feel inspired to try again.

One of the childs anxieties started after after talking to a stranger she thought was her mother.  It wasn't.  Her mother said she had never seen anyone so upset after she realised.  I had a similar experiance when I was very young.Aged about three I lost my parents.  I was running up and down the road crying as I looked for them.  A lady eventually caught me and helped me find them.  I think I kicked her when she tried to pick me up.  I screemed the whole time.  I would not tell her anything tho'.

I think it was the same day, it was definitely the same place.  I was hiding behind my Dad's leg as they were talking to another man who had the same trousers on as my Dad.  I was horrified when I looked up and realised I was hiding behoind the wrong pair of trousers.  My parents were laughing and talking and I thought it was because they had the same trousers on!  :'o(! This all happened before the mutisim set in, but if there was a triggor that day must have been it!  I use to have nightmares about waking up naked for years after.

Finally they spoke to children braking bones and not crying.  I think the most shocking thing I did was when I was putin the wrong taxi by the school.  I was about 7 I think.  The taxi driver took me t the wrong house.  I got out the car at the wrong house and started walking along the road.  the taxi driver insisted I got back in the car and he took me back to school.

I am not moaning and certainly do not feel sorry for myself, but watching the programme really helped me understand how I have got to the place I am today.  I would not change anything about my life now and all the experiances I had as a child have made me who I am today.

more

The programe will be on BBC iplayer for the next week.

Selective Mutism

I overcame the problem myself as I grew up, but to the day I left University aged 23 I was still unable to speak up in a class setting.  I was offered counselling when I was 16 but it was a bit late by then and when I moved into the sixth form the Head of Sixth insisted I could not have any unless I asked for it myself.  The problem was I couldn't ask so I never received any help.

After a complete psychotic breakdown, aged about 27 I was finally diagnosed with social anxiety and bipolar disorder.  The whole world changed when I realised I was sick and not naughty, that was also very scary!  I came so close to attempting suicide but I didn't!

I'm looking forward to seeing how the next generation are getting help.  I think the BBC earn their money with things like this, I hope they do not dissapoint.

I have a 'date' with someone 12 years older than me tonight, a 'suger daddy'. Still men my own age always give up on me.  It's a first date, I'll try and tell him I suffer from depression if I get the opportunity.  If he reacts ok to that I may agree to a second date.  The rest can come out if and when it ever needs to.