New Years Resolutions - 1 month update

My new years resolutions have been going really well up until when I went away this week.

• I have lost about 4 lbs (and not put any back on this week)
• I have had a friend around for coffee last Saturday, she stayed for a few hours and we chatted.
• I ate in everynight
• Took sandwiches to work
• Washed up before bed
• Tidied up before bed
• Cut my spending (I found a mistake in the electric bill - I have £200 to come back)
• I am also using less electricity than before (good for the enviroment too!!)
• Cancelled my broard band (I do not have a computer)
• Been to the gym regulary (also found out I get get a discount through work!!)
• I have been straigtening my hair regulary, this and my teeth improving has given me a little confidence in my appearance1 :o)

Overall I am feeling quite good about myself!!

The gap between my front teeth has closed! I also went to the psychiatrist about two weeks ago and he is very pleased with the insight I have into bipolar and social anxiety and is convinced I will stay well. He said I could change my check ups to annually but I am really a bit scraed of the illness still so I am sticking to every three months.

All in all the start of the year has gone very well. I am going to join Match.com as all I need is love and a baby and life would be perfect.

Mr Apparently Creepy Guy is off the scene. He asked if we could meet again, I told him I would love to but nothing is going to happen because I did not fancy him. I have not heard from him since. :o(

Working too hard!!

I have been away for work this week, I really enjoyed it but I fear I became a bit hypomanic and was disruptive. I hate being like that because unlike when I feel low my mind works so fast that I do not realise that my judgement has become impaired. If only I had stopped and thought!

I flew up to Edinburgh Monday evening and I got home Thusday evening about 10 pm. I had to get up and be back at work by 9:30 on Friday morning. I over did it got very stressed and did not realise what was happening until I found myself crying for stupid things while I was at work yesterday.

What got me so stressed out was rumours flying about regarding the reorganisation of the department. I worked with two people in my small team within the department for most of last year. They were my boss and one temporary member of staff. I had a great year, I felt I had a lot of support and working with these people was well within my comfort zone. It was announced that two more people would join our small group from yesterday. They are based in other european countries so it would involve some virtual collaboration. The temporary guy who I sat with and worked with for most of last year would be moving to a different group. I did not realise how worried I had become about the changes.

I sat with the two new people at dinner and made an effort to start getting to know them. I felt like I could cope with the changes and I would still have the support of this small group even if a few people changed.

I had about 10 to 11 hour working days all week, (I count the socialising that we are encouraged to do too as this is very draining and not at all relaxing for me!)

Thursday morning we were told that our new group would have lunch together, this is when I flipped!! I started asking my boss loads of questions about the rumours I had heard, putting him on the spot in front of everyone and giving him some very direct, nasty and harsh feedback in front of others. All he did in return was be nice to me and I was really using him as a punch bag!!! The harder I punch the more he tries to build my confidence, I feel really bad now, I made him look bad in front of his new employees. The truth is if I talk to other people while I am stressd they try to emphasise which really does nothing for me. He discusses issues and treats me with respoect which makes me feel a lot better. I just hope I do not wear out my punch bag and hope it is tough enough to cope. I know no one else who can make me feel better in this way, I wish he was my friend and not my boss!!

The hypomanic bit came in as many senior management and directors were there. I though well I always get good feedback from my participation in these meetings so this is an excellent opportunity for my career. As I focused on this I started to believe that the new people in my very small support group were not an issue and I would lead the group and be an important member of the group. I have not really been ambitous in the the past but I have enjoyed working on operational projects. In the last few years all these projects have been given only to group leaders, therfore I have become more ambitous as I would like to be involved in them again.

While I was trying to cease the opportunity I became very focused and my objective became obsessive, my opinion was no longer balanced, I fear I have made a fool of myself :(! I convinced myself that I would be a group leader and it was only a matter of time, I have switched roles in my department and someone from my old role said he wanted to see me sitting up there with the group leaders. I think that was another trigger.

While I was kicking my punch bag (my boss) he said he had been very proud of my contribution to the meeting over the past few days, that just makes me feel worse for being so mean. I think I probably looked a lot worse than him for using my punch bag in public.

Next time I will stop trying so hard, what will be will be!

I came home from work sick yesterday as I kept crying. I spent about 24 hours watching TV and sleeping, I think the one thing I can change next time is to get more sleep and not go to the pub or drink in the evenings. I so enjoy it though!!! My mind can just not cope though :o(

New Years Resolutions

Things I want to work towards.
- lots more friends, some friends I can ring and say, hey, do you want to go to the pub tonight!! (hence no. 2 below)

- loose weight, my medication made me put on a stone so I am going to have another attempt at shifting it!

- be happier

Steps I am starting with

1. Start going to the gym again, (2 or 3 times a weeks) I managed this reasonably well until my car troubles. My car is now fixed so no excuses!

2. Invite people round for coffee and even proper dinner parties. I did one with my friends and parents last week and I have invited someone from work for coffee. This is a huge thing for me but an important step I think.

3. Try to be more organised with housework. I made laods of lists and planned what days to do each on, it has gone pear shaped today as I has Mc Donalds and now I am in the internet cafe. I put clean the bathrooms today so it is not all lost, I can do that in 15mins as I did the ensuite on Monday!! Health eating has gone out the window today, I must make sure I have a few ready meals next week!

4. To help with no. 3 I have put daylight bulbs in my bedroom and in one bathroom. I have also ordered a daylight lamp for my desk at work. So far this has given me more energy in the evenings so I am going to buy more bulbs for the hall way and living room. I only seen to be able to get old fashioned type bulbs at the moment, no hallogen bulbs and no energy saving bulbs - does anyone know if anyone makes them?

Just a quick footnote: A friend has taken my laptop away to have a look at it, if he can fix it I might get it back next week. I am really really missing it!!

Staying with Mum

I am staying with my Mum for a few days, she had an operation on her knee last week so I am here to look after her. At least I have internet access for a bit :o) !!

I feel much better now, I do not have the slightest desire to bite myself, I tried it but it hurts!!

Self Harm as a Release

I have always thought of self harm as a cry for help and never seriously attempted it before as I was worried that people would think I am attention seeking and being a spoilt brat.

Yesterday I had a particulary bad day at work, I had put all my effort into two peices of work and really gave it everything I had. I thought on Wednesday it was complete, when I went in yesterday morning a very senior person in the company said simply he had changed his mind and did not want to use the wording I provided as an alternative for his inappropriate proposal. He wrote quite a rude and abrupt email so that really upset me.

I did not do any work yeasterday and I was in tears a couple of times. I was really ready to just resign and have done with it. I have been living in this town for nearly 5 years and I have tried really hard to meet people during the last 18 months and there is still no one I can call upon to go to the pub with after a bad day! I was seriouslg considering quitting my job and moving closer to my family. After all, a stressful famly is better than no famly!

I watch TV until 11pm just in numb mode, I went to bed and cryed for a while. After a bit the idea of self harm came into my head, I thought of the kitchen knives and I tried to cut myself wih a huge chopper. I did not want to cut deep as I did not want anyone to know. It did not matter if people thought I was attention seeking, I knew I was not!! In fact I did not want anyone to know!

The knives did not cut me, they were too blunt. I covered a used light bulb with a cloth and smashed it with a hammer. It took quite some effort to cut through my skin and draw blood. I was really surprised about how thick my skin is.

I have only managed a cut of about 1 cm. I felt quiet in the mind after, it was a release. I forced myself to get up and go to work this morning. I must have looked a right wreck. I did not wash, (I cleaned teeth cos of my brace) but I threw dirty clothes on and went to work.

It was really hard wth peple saying morning and stuff, I went to the bathroom several time and tryed to bite myself. I gotr some good hard bites up both arms but did not draw blood. It was a release from an unbearable situation.

At lunch time my boss (who I think of as a friend) asked me to join him for lunch. We had a good chat about things and I felt a lot better this afternoon :o). I do not feel like harming myself anymore.

I now understand that self harm is not attention seeking, those people I listened to many years ago when I was frst contemplating it were wrong. Self harm is a release. I in no way want to kill myself or stop living but the self harm is a coping strategy. Not an ideal one but it take the emotional pain away.

I know I probably need a bit more help right noe but I do not want to bother the doctor or psychiatrist this close to Christmas. Anyway I do not want more meds and I do not want pity. My chat at lunch time was the help I needed.

I am going to get my PC fixed in the new year as a matter of a priority, my blogg is definitely a better release than bites.

The bite marks are gone now, but they took several hours to go. I hope they do not bruise as I do not want to wear long sleeves all over Christmas.

Sorry for such a depressive post so close to Christmas, but it helps to write these things down. I still feel I have a new confidence, I am not bad for wanting to harm myself, it was a coping strategy until someone had time for me!