Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Disapointed :o(

I thought I was getting the first half of my brace fitted at the orthadontist tomorrow but I got the day wrong and it was today. I missed the appointment! I was really disappointed and cried. I have been waiting twenty bloody years for this brace and was so looking forward to it. I was teased so much at school and not for prominant teeth but for not getting them fixed!! I have felt so much more confident since I made the decision to get the brace and I thought once people can see the brace I no longer need to be ashamed of my teeth!!

I hate my teeth and I have forever. I remember being about 8 years old and going to a disco with a friend, I did not realise it was for the village pageant(?) and for the Queen and Princesses at the fete. I refused point blank to have my photo taken and sat at the edge of the hall. When my friends Mum 'B' picked us up she told me not to worry and she would speak to my Mum. My Mum said there was nothing wrong with me and even told me that she had told B I did not want to be in the parade!!! In fact I did not even realise what the photos were for and the idea of strangers looking at my ugly face and laughing was enough to make me freak out.

Before that I used to refuse to smile with my mouth open since my front teeth first came through. My Mum would tell me I spoilt all the photos because I pulled a silly face!

It was all suppose to come to an end tomorrow and now I have to wait another month!! I have been so looking forward to it. It feels like I have been living in a dark dark place and have been counting down to escaping and now I have to wait another month.

My Mum apologised to me for not taking me as a child. B took me when I was about 13 but the dentist would not refer me without a parent or guardian present. You can get it done free o n the NHS until you are 16 but it is considered cosmetic for adults. It is only this last year that I have had the confidence and ability to even discuss my teeth.

My Mums apology was about the guilt she felt due to it costing me over £3k. It had nothing to do with the fact I have felt ugly, inferior and worthless for 20 years and as my parent and carer she did nothing to help me despite B having tried.

I was just smelly, awkward, moody and stubborn to her. She is staying with me at the moment but I had to leave my own flat to be alone to cry. My sister rang and my Mum told her what happened. My sister asked if I cryed and my Mum told her of course not, I was disappointed but did not cry!

My Mum has no idea who I am and does not know anything about who I am. I cannot forgive her; we have a relationship based on false beliefs. I would not have it out with my Mum now, as I do not feel there is anything to be gained. She will either deny it or be really sad. I do not think I could ever forgive her, I feel like she neglected me!!

I found out a little while ago that my eldest sister had a brace, which makes me even madder at my mother as she did not bother with me.

I could moan forever, but I will post again tomorrow instead!

I also went to the psychiatrist today, he is changing my anti-depressants/ anxiety medication as he feels the social anxiety is still impacting my quality of life as I have to pre plan phone calls and conversations. Also, when talking to people my instinct is to escape. I then sit on my own wishing I had some company :o(. He also said because of my history I will be on medication for some time yet.

I feel really low at the moment! I'm off to bed!! I have my Mum staying until Saturday, I have had enough already and she only came today!

No comments: