Not Taking Medication...

He He He; I didn't take all my medication last night and I had a good day today. It was not an easy day by far but I felt things more intensely than I have done for a long time. I had forgotten that I was missing out on a part of life. Quetiapine is a really strong sedative.

I know this is a bad idea and I am sure not at all sensible but it was a genuine mistake which felt quite nice. I am tempted to do this more often, just for fun! Let me explain...

I am really busy at the moment and I get frustrated that I can not fit everything I want to do into my life. I am looking for a flat to buy (I have viewed seven in three days and I have another tomorrow and another on Thursday). I am still really busy at work too. I also have research to do regarding buying a flat and the various laws and leases. For example when you own the property (a freeholder I think) vs. buying the right to live in the property for 100 years (leaseholder). It is all really complicated. Most flats are leasehold but sometimes you can buy a share of the freehold.

Anyway, while I was researching the difference last night I remember thinking about taking my meds and then I think I forgot. When I looked at my pill box Mondays were missing. I also had a slight sense of heartburn which I often get after taking them. (Not painful but I just know it is there). This really confused me as I seemed to have taken them because they were not there however I did not remember taking them. Anyway an hour later I was laying awake so I decided just to take half the dose of quetiapine. I only take 200mg rather than the recommended 300mg so I knew an extra 100mg would not do me any harm.

I was a bit worried that I would not wake up in the morning because it was late and my normal dose usually knocks me out. I had a really pleasant night though. I stirred a few times which I don't usually do and when it was time to get up I felt like I had rested for a while. Usually I fall straight asleep and wake up in exactly the same position the next morning, often with a few aches if I was not laying correctly.

I did not get up in time for work this morning, I have been having difficulty for a few weeks. This is not usually a problem as I work flexi time so I just have to stay a bit later. However, this morning I had a meeting at 9:30am and I knew I was going to be late. I felt an anxiety in my stomach which I have not felt for a long time. I found it quite exciting, it gave me a real buzz. Just for comparison I missed a more important meeting the week before Christmas. It was a 9am meeting and I did not get to work until 10am. Someone tried to reprimand me but I stood my ground and actually felt hard done by. I was suppose to be on holiday that day and they were having a go at me for being late. No anxiety crept in at all!

The meeting which I was 15 minutes late for today was with my supervisor. He started talking about the changes which will happen during 2008 and I got stressed by this. I like my supervisor a great deal and he has helped me through some of the hardest times of my life but I have not felt a connection with him recently. Today however, he noticed this had stressed me and talked me through it until I felt better.

The day went well until about 4:30 when I received a phone call from a meeting which I said I would make myself available for, incase they needed me.
First I received an instant message saying, "can we call you?"
When I said, "sure", they said "We will call in about 10minutes".
During those 10minutes I worked myself in to a state. The difference between now and a few years ago was that I didn't avoid the situation. The call went well in the end, I could answer the questions and I did not dwell on it after the event!

I wonder if today is a what a 'normal' day for 'normal' people is like. I have definitely been missing all the emotions and I am wondering if I am over sedated.

I have only taken 100mg instead of 200mg again tonight as it was good to stir in the night. I know only too well that this is not sensible. The thing is that in the past this illness has scared me a lot. I have always sworn I would never stop taking my medication even though I have always known that many people do after 2-3 years of stability but they usually relapse at some point. I didn't think this was worth the risk but maybe I will think again.

I had a good cry this evening as my Dad got an email from a bogus lottery scam telling him he had won more than a million pounds. He asked me to check it out for him and he said he knew it was probably a scam. The thing is when I confirmed it was through the advise on the real national lottery website I could sense his disappointment. It really upset me, I mean HOW THE FUCK* DO PEOPLE GET OFF DOING THINGS LIKE THAT!!!!! THE LOTTERY IS A CON ANYWAY WHERE PEOPLE WHO ARE SHORT OF MONEY WASTE £100 A YEAR ON THESE TICKETS, SPEND HOURS CLINGING TO DREAMS THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AND THEN IF THAT IS NOT BAD ENOUGH SOMEONE COMES AND TELLS THEM THEY HAVE WON WHEN THEY HAVEN'T, JUST TO CON MONEY OUT OF THEM!!!! IT IS CRUEL AND PRAYING ON THE VULNERABLE!!! THERE ARE NO EXCUSES!!!

*apologies for the language, I don't use it often, but sometime it is needed to express the strength of emotion!