Friday, June 09, 2006

A Saturday in July 2005

Anxiety was at it's worse and this was written a little while before I became psychotic and was hospitalised. Not sure how long before as my memory is quite patchy during this period.

This was written 2 days after I called my boss and told him I was going to kill myself. He called the emergency Services.

I have edited only to remove peoples names ( just incase anyone I know ever finds this site)

I don’t know what the date is, and I cannot think long enough to work it out or even think where to find out. I am so mixed up and confused. I do not know whether this is because I have a mental illness or whether I have just worked myself up into a state over nothing. Either way my head is screwed up or I need some serious help.

A few days ago I wanted to take my own life. I think I would have done if I could find razor blades (I noticed 50p at the chemist) enough drugs. Paracetamol 50p-60p from work coffee shop, sainsburys on the way home, BP garage opposite sainsburys, Texaco by Traffic lights and co-op just up the road. The route home from work is planned I could do it!!!

Why didn’t I? A part of me still thinks it might have been better but there is something inside me that’s says somewhere someone might be able to help me. I was desperate I got up in the morning and just cried and cried and cried. I could no longer move or do anything. I could feel myself rocking and images of hospitals all washed out and white and extremely scary came into my head. That just made me panic more. But then I would realise and stop myself. But then I would say hang on I can stop I cannot be ill. I have a choice? Then I would find myself rocking somewhere else. It was really strange, I could stop but then again there was something quite soothing in the rocking. Did I really want to stop? But then again that image of the hospital would come back.

My best friend came around so I had to stop typing earlier but she has gone now, we had a good afternoon. I think I have scared her and her husband wanted me to go and stay with them but I need to sort myself out. I guess that is how single life is? My friend helped me tidy up and the Social Worker came around!!

The session with social worker was really awful. I think I might eventually get some help but I might have used a bit of emotional blackmail. I was really down on the GP’s and I know they are just over worked, I am still wondering why I have a social worker and not a mental health professional but I guess he might be able to get me some help. He sounded hopeful. I think I may have offended him in discussing going privately. Why have I been referred to a CRISIS support team, the doctor said reactive depression but I want to know why it keeps coming back and longer term prevention. I really don’t know but I want to discuss the long term issues not the immediate CRISIS. I don’t even miss my ex anymore, I am sure I have gone whole days without thinking about him!! The last thing I want is all that dragged up again.

I spoke to the social worker about Bipolar Disorder, I am so scared, I have asked to see a psychiatrist. He said he would contact me on Monday and try to get me in asap. He did try to talk me out of it first. I felt my feelings were dismissed and he was just telling me to pull my socks up. I’m glad my friend was there, she thinks he was just trying to calm me down and if I am going to trust him my friend’s story makes more sense. I feel so vulnerable, was he taking the piss or calming me down? The latter is probably more likely but without my friend there how would I have known that, how could I have known.

My friend and I have sent away for details about joining a voluntary national trust conservation group. There were loads of photos on the website that looked like they had a good social life :o). My friend needs to get out more and I need to meet new people. I don’t think I want a long term relationship but if I was to meet someone nice I would not complain. It is kind of nice typing rather than sleeping it slows my mind down a bit. I have to find they keys :o). I reckon I have an anxiety disorder now rather than bipolar.

I could not learn to swim at school I kept sinking and I reckon it was because I was so tense, now I love floating, as it is so relaxing. I must take my swimsuit tomorrow when I go to the gym. I am not sure I am even depressed right now, I don’t want to take my medication as the idiot that came with the social worker said it was quite a high dose. I would if I thought I was depressed. My friend is really concerned I am not taking it. I would calm her down if I took it but then again I don’t feel depressed and that was her diagnosis, I think the tablets are prescribed for anxiety too but that would be like self-diagnosis and everyone says how dangerous that can be. Both the social worker and my friend said I had a rational reason for not taking the tablets but there advice is still to take it. If I do have Bipolar and I do not listen to advise that would be really daft. I so want a firm diagnosis that makes sense because it will really influence the way I deal with this.

I just don’t know what thought to type first, what if I forget some thing important as something else jumps into my mind. How are they going to help me if I do not get everything down? What if they do not think anything is wrong with me because I miss something important. Should I give this to my friend to read she would be able to tell me if I was dolayly. I can’t type quickly enough, I am tired though but I do not think I would be able to sleep. It is 11:30pm.

Dad just logged onto MSN messenger, I spoke to him but I still have not told him I am off sick. I just can’t stand the worried silences and the concern. He didn’t ask; it is Mum and my sister who will start asking questions. They think I hate them but they just do not understand. They still think I am going to go away travelling around the world but I do not think I want to go, not if I am going to get some help here, I don’t even know if I will get help though, I want long term help but then again I do not want to waste anyone’s time. It might be the case that no one can help me though, I am sure the social worker said at the end of the day I just have to help myself. What if there is nothing wrong with me and I just have to keep going, everyone will think I am attention seeking. Work was so crap they probably think I am skiving anyway. I SO SO SO don’t want to loose my job. I hope they do not make me take the career break if I do get some help.

I am just going to say about Thursday, as I have not really been able to tell anyone and writing is so much better. Why can’t I say I am just going to say about Thursday, people say I do not need to justify but I just can’t make a decision without, what if I get it wrong or someone thinks I am stupid. Anyway Thursday, I wanted to kill myself and I was thinking really hard to find a way but I couldn’t. I do think I would have taken the tablets if I thought there had been enough, I just could not think of a way. I was going to take them anyway but I was worried there would not be enough to knock me unconscious. I was going to go to the shop get some more, a knife from downstairs I don’t know. I know I did not want to die, I was really going to hurt myself though, but that is attention seeking and everyone hates attention seekers. I have interrupted meetings with stupid excuse questions as things have worried me, but were they just really stupid things, or did I really need them, did I just want attention? I don’t know? But I was not in control. I just did things out of desperation only to regret them moments later and feel even worse. My mind has wondered again I may have been thinking about this, I can’t really remember what I was panicking about.

I went to the doctors but there were no appointments until 3:10 and I had to push to get that one. They would not let me wait for 5 hours although I would have quite happily done so as not to be on my own. I decided I would drive to work late, on the way I heard about the explosions in London, I pictured everyone standing around concerned and talking. I came home again but I was worrying that someone would have seen me and said I was around and well enough to get there and did not go in. I would be fired. I came home and watched the news for a couple of hours, I started worrying about friends who work in London, if I sent them text messages I would worry they were trying to get through to family and more important friends but if I didn’t they would think I was uncaring and too wrapped up in my own troubles.

I want to put everything down but I am too tired. It is 1.43am. I am not sure if I want to avoid turning the light out or (I have forgotten the sentence I am starting to nod off) a micro sleep? Is that self diagnosis your hate me for that. I think I have anxiety disorder, it seems to fit, I don’t think I am depressed as I want to do this and write more but when I was depressed I just wanted to sleep all the time. I have been typing this for 3 hours. There is still so much to say and if I stop typing I might miss something.

I never did talk about Thursday, I want to say about Bipolar symptoms, feeling angry with system and loads more. I don’t think I can stay awake much longer but I won’t remember everything that I wanted to say. I have done this before stayed up this late with work and stuff. In the morning this will seem crap. With work one day last week I was typing some feedback for my supervisor. It took me until 1.30 am to do it. I knew I had got it better earlier in the evening and could not get it right again. I went to bed as I had to get up the next morning for work, I overslept, I was late for and I deleted the stuff I put in the email I had been writing as I decided it was better to talk to the person directly.

It is 1am now, I am so tired I am just going to list the other stuff I wanted to put down
1. I think I have Anxiety disorder
2. I can’t carry on like this, I will loose my job, I stare at the screen and go over and over things without making any progress
3. I love my job
4. I want some help knowing what are real concerns and what things are stupid
5. My friend is helping as a sounding board but I do not want to rely on her forever
6. I wanted to mention my boss and contact with work
7. Why I though I had Bipolar, I was just as sure about that as I now am about anxiety
8. If I mention anxiety to the social worker after having now mentioned bipolar he will really think I have gone mad on the internet diagnosis which he warned me about
9. How am I expected to just sit and wait a couple of weeks with all this in my head
10. How angry I am that I have not been able to get help-
11. How worried I am that I may have isolated family but how scared I am to call them
12. It is 1:10 am I think I might be typing crap!!
13. What if all this is just dismissed and I am told to turn the lights out earlier and stop messing around.
14. I have forgotten the next point.
15. I forgot to get ready for bed before I started, I was going to have a bath and try to stick to the bedtime routine I established over the past few days since I first spoke to the social worker
16. I have drank over a litre of water today plus some other drinks
17. I have bad pins and needles I have been sitting on my foot too long
18. I had something important and I have forgotten it again.
19. It is 1:14
20. I am going to get ready for bed and then continue
21. I have cleaned my teeth, still have make up to do and get changed
22. I did remember the other thing but have forgotten it again
23. Maybe I have a personality disorder and I am getting carried away with the anxiety
24. I must look that up
25. ok 1:19 must get ready for bed
26. got other thing
27. Not sure if to meet my boss and discuss Friday and whether I should share this with him. I frightened him on Thursday. I emailed him on Friday and he did not return my email, maybe he is avoiding me but he was working from home and I did not send it until later in the day
28. There are typos and spelling mistakes everywhere should I correct them or keep them.
29. I can not make decisions
30. I am typing crap I am going to go to bed, but I do not feel in control.
31. I wanted to put the mess my life is in and how much stuff I need to sort out, career break, travelling, handed notice in on accommodation, parents arranging going away party and have sent invites to everyone, I don’t wanna go.
32. ok 1:24 must finish getting ready for bed.

Right it is 1:30 and my mind is going numb but I will leave my laptop on incase I think of anything important.

I have just read this through maybe I am hypomanic. I was going to put maybe I am a genius and therefore have mania as I can’t be because everyone hates me. I bet I delete this sentence!!!


1:38 am
I just had a game of pinball. And started thinking more really scary thoughts, I started thinking about what I could put in the morning when I read this crap, I tried to justify it, I started to think of sentences in my head but then what if I put what sounds good rather than what I feel at the time. I could mess everything up.
I forgot to say why I do not want to take my tablets, what if it hides the real symptoms. I read the label earlier tonight, can’t remember why, it said they can treat anxiety along side depression but nothing about anxiety alone? What if I get stuff wrong people will hate me, I have said people will hate me before. I have thought that in the past maybe I am trying to manipulate my thoughts, how do I know what thoughts are real and what aren’t. I had to change that sentence it said what is real and not rather than thoughts, they might think I have schizophrenia.

People say a little bit of knowledge can be dangerous what if I am told I can not work at XXXXX cos I get exposed to Neuroscience information. I said I wanted to share this information with my boss, what if I share it and the company takes advantage of me to promote a product. What if I am advised to avoid stress and not go back, I love it there. I don’t think they would take advantage they have been really good to me so far. What if this gets into the press and get the company gets in trouble.

God, it is 1:53 am I am knackered and going to sleep, I am going to turn my phone off but my worse nightmare would be my Mum trying to call, can not get through and comes rushing down here. There is nothing she can do anyway.

I’m tired; I am going to the gym with my friend tomorrow. If I am not up with my phone on she will worry. I think my friend is different from my sister as I can just be with my friend and not do anything, she will not tell me what to do even when I want her to :o)

1:57am Goodnight, I will set my alarm to make sure I am up when my friend calls

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