Thursday, June 15, 2006

I feel low and sick and shit!!!

I have had a few crap days where I have been lost in unrealistic fantsies. I even pretended the person was with me to talk to, I kept telling myself to stop but I felt loved and happy, emotionally fullfilled. I convinced myself that someone loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their life with me and have children, I convinced myself they loved me. What a fuckin idiot! What goes up must come down! Crashing down!

I now feel numb, stupid and sick because I have been comfort eating and have ate far to much junk. As if I am not fat enough already! Why is life so shit!!! Why didn't I stop myself!

I don't think I will ever meet a nice man who understands me and who is attractive and has half a brain cell between their ears, not ancient and not immature!

AGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate myself and I feel SHIT!!!! Why is life so crap?

PS. Have not met my new neice yet, her Mummy is still feeling very rough! Hopefully tomorrow butI think I might just hold her and cry and cry right now!


james said...

We're all looking An... don't feel guilty for it. And I think we all have thoughts like that, too... but you're right they are unrealistic, and... unless you are writing a ficiton novel - generally unhelpful. BUT... give yourself a break and look forward. When you catch yourself thinking in that way, point your eyes at something in your midst to focus and get back into the sphere of reality (I have to do that quite alot, by the way!) Maybe its not even that unhealthy. I just find doing it at work is a bit dangerous :)

Cinthia said...

Finding a mate is difficult for one, but especially difficult for us, social anxiety sufferers. I totally understand what you're going through because I've been there and still go through that at least once a week. Hang in there. And be a good parent to yourself. Remember, you're special and you have a lot to offer to the world! You may not know it yet, but hopefully you'll see it one day.


Raine said...

((((((Annie))))) how very sad that sounds. Dont forget honey- depression talks to you and this does sound like depressive type thinking. I had bouts and bouts of it myself, thinking just about the same way. I did finally meet someone just when I had given up and was actually very content being on my own. LOLOL Then my reaction was more like- what are you doing here? what do you want? Its been a year now and we are very happy. It will happen for you too. Just not on demand

Annie said...

I used to do this a lot but have not got so caught up in the thougts for a long time, it just got me unawares.